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Dads Dating After Divorce
Dating after divorce isn’t what it used to be—especially when you’re a dad. The rules have changed, the world has changed, and now you’ve got kids in the mix. Join Dallas and Jude as they share real-world strategies and insights from their work with dads and men at BlackBoxDating.com and TheDivorcedDadvocate.com.
Dads Dating After Divorce
17 - From Checklists to Chemistry: Decoding Her Dating Profile
Ever stare at a profile and think, What does any of this actually mean? We go straight at the modern maze of dating after divorce—where “active,” “preferably no kids,” and political banners can make or break a match before you’ve said hello. As two dads who’ve lived the post-divorce reboot, we break down how to read between the lines, when to move on, and how to show up with humor and direction instead of treating dates like job interviews.
We tackle the illusion of abundance on apps and why chasing algorithms keeps you stuck. You’ll learn a simple filter that protects your time: chemistry beats criteria. Checklists have a role, but they don’t create attraction—experience does. We share a practical “show, don’t tell” approach to profiles and messages, including how to turn vague labels into vivid conversations that reveal compatibility fast. We also get candid about age and timelines, why biology and logistics matter, and how to be compassionate and clear when goals don’t align.
For single dads, this conversation flips the script on “baggage.” Your story is an advantage when you present it with ownership and lightness. We outline how to lead playfully without posturing, answer money/work questions without auditioning, and spot red flags in rigid non-negotiables or identity-first politics. Plus, we offer concrete steps to get off the app and into real life quickly—because attraction lives in person, not in bullet points.
Ready to save time, have more fun, and date with a backbone? Hit play, then share this with a dad who needs it. If it helped, leave a quick rating or drop a comment—we read every one and it helps more dads find the show.
Hello, and welcome to Dad's Dating After Divorce, the only podcast dedicated to dads traversing the wild and interesting world of dating after divorce. My name is Jude Sandoval. I'm the founder of The Divorce Dava Kit, and my co-host is Dallas Bluth, dating and relationship coach from Black Box Dating. How are you doing this week, Dallas? I'm doing fabulous, Jude.
SPEAKER_01:Just got back from a few days up in the mountains. Wonderful harvest moon. All the autumn colors. It was, it's, yeah, I'm feeling refreshed and recharged and ready to dive in this morning. How are you doing, man?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. This is this is the best time of year. I love it. I love it. It's great being up in the mountains. Yeah, we're planning to get up this weekend too with the with the kiddos. It's just refreshing and awesome. We live in God's country, so we are truly, truly blessed to be here. Not diminish anywhere else across the country, but this is just an amazing place. So, all right. Well, let's jump in. The the topic is decoding what women are putting on their dating profiles. Maybe just decoding women in general might maybe be a good one. One episode?
SPEAKER_01:Is that all we get to do this in? One episode? Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:That would be a years-long series, I think. So, and and then yeah, and trying to yeah, yeah, marry that with decoding what we're thinking would be, yeah, pretty uh we'd we'd solve the world's problems, basically, if we could figure that out. But we're gonna do it in the context of kind of the the dating profiles and what to what that's like because as a divorced dad, we have a limited amount of time. And I've I have found in my experience with the dating profiles and also just in general communication that I've wasted just a ton of time. So this is this is kind of dear to my heart because I know that you can you can be more effective and more efficient. And again, you don't know what you don't know. I didn't know. I wasted a ton of time. I've learned the hard way. So that's why I want to to share this. And we've got a really good example. I was doom scrolling last night. Yes, I do that once in a while, get sucked into the to the vortex. And I ran across this an Instagram post about this woman in San Francisco areas, the Silicon Valley area, who has she's 41, 42 years old, and she bought a bunch of billboards across the the metro area there, and she put her picture up with a website, and her website is marylisa.com. And so so those that are listening, you can you can kind of follow along. If you want to stop right now, pull out your phone, go to Mary Le M-A-R-R-Y, L-I-S-A.com, MaryLisa.com. You can follow along because if you're listening and you're not watching this, you're not going to be able to see our examples. But so she built this website, and her and the whole thing is she wants to find a husband. So she has done a marketing campaign. Literally, this is this is a pretty useful. The first thing you said is, wow, this is a this is a huge budget. Those those those billboards are not inexpensive, very, very expensive. She has done a great job with uh with videos, with with photographs, with a nice professionally made website. It's broken down really well. So I will give her that. She is she's doing a tremendous job of marketing herself. And and and so I want to dive into it a little bit because I I just it was very interesting to me to to kind of read through it. It basically what it is is it is a it is a much more detailed dating profile, right? So those that don't are not yet on dating apps, congratulations, good for you. Don't start. Yeah, don't start. You can avoid it. Don't get sucked in, maybe. But for those of you who are, you know that you kind of each one each one of the the dating apps has kind of a different way in which you do it. But you're basically sharing some general information about yourself, and you can go into details, you have a bio, all of that. So so that is that is good. And and and what I'll say, and then and and let's just talk about the good and bad of that first, because I feel that part of that is good, but part of that is also very limiting because it doesn't allow the opportunity for exploration, right? Exploration and the adventure and the interest in learning about somebody. You kind of just you know X them out or swipe left or whatever they call it because of whatever it might be. So I I like that it it helps us to connect. I don't like that it is it can it can be, depending on your mindset, very limiting. What are your thoughts around it?
SPEAKER_01:We're talking here about the dating platforms in general and that the apps, yeah. So the thing about the the strange phenomenon with the dating apps is it gives us the illusion of lots and lots of options. Emphasis on the word illusion. There's, you know, dozens, hundreds, you know, of potential dating opportunities out there, and we are swiping left and right because we think that there is this huge supply there. When you're in real life, when you're, you know, in a supermarket, in a bar, on the street, looking at your neighbors, you know, friends of friends, looking for who are the single people, there are not literally hundreds of options in front of you. So to your point, you end up slowing down, you end up taking more time, and you end up giving more opportunities and more attention, and you take more seriously and you value the opportunities that cross your path. Where the dating app shows up, it gives you the illusion of lots and lots of options. And when we have this huge abundance, you know, it's you know, supply and demand. When there appears to be a huge supply, the value goes down in our mind. We're like, well, there's, you know, this is like gravel, you know, this is like sand, there's there's just tons of it out there. And you don't stop and look at each individual person with the same attention, with the same really value out of the gate. And, you know, and but at the same time, like you said, it does solve a certain problem of if everyone that was single was walking around with with a hat on that said, I'm single, and we could identify each other, it would that would solve the problem. That in a sense is what these dating apps appear to do on the surface, is they they sift up to the top of the population, the people that that are single. But even with that, you you know this. You go on the dating app, you see the most attractive candidates being thrown at you immediately. A lot of times they haven't been on that website in months or years. That's the algorithm playing a game in order to get us to be engaged with it. Um I can I could go down a million different rabbit holes here, so I'm gonna rein it in and ask you which one do we want to go down first?
SPEAKER_00:We will we'll probably we might do a deep dive into dating apps at some at some point here, because I think it's it's it's good to demystify and talk about some of what you talked about, the algorithms. There are fake profiles that's been that's been uh discovered that that many of these apps have fake profiles on them to do exactly what you described, should show create this uh feeling of abundance around there. And and to your point about being able to identify single people, that's one of the things I think I hear guys say, oh, that's great. It it's it saves me the awkward conversation of, oh, hey, how are you, how are you doing? Are you dating anybody? No, okay, bye. Like, okay, and and I understand that, I respect that, but if you can't get that far in real life, you're gonna get have trouble even on the dating sites because at some point you're gonna have to you're gonna have to meet them in in real life. If if you can't approach and have a just a few minute conversation or or a conversation, uh extended conversation, and then ask somebody if they're single or ask them out, then yeah, you've got more things to work on than being on on the dating app. So, all right. Well, let's well, let's so the other thing I want to premise this with also is we're we're real we're kind we're talking one-sided here. We're talking about women and we're talking about their profiles, we're talking generalities here also. So before we start getting any hate email about, you know, well, same for men, and dah dah dah, yes, that's true. There are things, failure to launch, like all that stuff too, right? Okay, we do, we know that, we understand that, we recognize that, but we're talking about one side because our audience is really looking and needing to know and understand how to decode this stuff, what it might really mean, how does it save them time? How can they really connect? So that's my disclaimer before dude also secretly loves hate mails.
SPEAKER_01:So go ahead and send him all the complaints that you have. I know he sends that, but the truth is he loves it.
SPEAKER_00:Dallas just says that because I am the one that gets the email. So anyway, okay. All right, so I will say the first so the first thing, let's talk about. She has on her on her site the a page and it just says non-negotiables, and she has a a detailed list of everything from a partner, from age, education, politics, physical build. So what's what is your gut reaction to that? Is it intimidating, or is this is this a good thing? Like she's laying out exactly, and I look at that and I go, Yeah, not for me.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, okay. Well, I'm gonna start with the fact that this is a woman with a budget, you know, who's you know, spending literally tens of thousands of dollars, if not over a hundred thousand dollars, on a marketing campaign to promote herself. And then she's saying, These are my non-negotiables. Like, I I okay, so I'm I'm just gonna say that that women on their dating profiles, you know, and even a lot of times on first, second dates, they love to throw out this checklist. This it's gotta be he has to be this tall, he has to be making this much money, he has to do it. And I I there is a mindset, I guess, that that they're coming from where this makes sense. The problem is, those aren't the dudes that they're fucking. Those aren't the those aren't the guys that they're actually giving their attention to. So, you know, this is the difference between stated preferences and actual behavioral preferences. And and the thing is, like, as guys, and this is the real trap, as a guy, we think, oh, I'm supposed to meet this checklist. The men that I work with, they, you know, we'll have these conversations. We had a Friday night out in the street, you know, last week, and one of the guys was like, So, you know, my home is almost completely paid off. I've got this great job, I've got this going on, I go to the gym, I'm dressed up. He is basically describing himself in a check checklist format, and yet he's not getting the attention that he wants. And I told him, I was said, you know, the checklists are not the thing that actually create the experience that gives you the response you want from a woman. The checklist is the thing that comes later to make sure that it's to make sure that you're you you you're a good fit and a good compatibility. But the chemistry doesn't come from checking off all the boxes. The chemistry comes from stepping past awkwardness, the chemistry comes from what kind of experience does the woman have when she's in your presence. Okay, all okay, I'll get off the soapbox for a minute. The problem though, and this is why the dating apps are so incredibly frustrating for men, is that on the dating apps, it's incredibly difficult to not be reduced to a checklist, to not be your height. A lot of times I don't think people put income, but but certain criteria, it's hard to not be that on a dating website. It's hard to not, it's very difficult on a dating website for a woman to have an experience of you immediately.
unknown:Right.
SPEAKER_01:That leans into some of the secrets of doing online dating effectively, which we can get into if you like. But um but those checklists, guys, absorb them, we use them, we apply them, thinking that's what women want. But the truth is you can have all those criteria and should be like, yeah, but you know, I'm just not really feeling it. I'm not really feeling the chemistry. It's like you can't think that those checklists are really where it's at. It's not.
SPEAKER_00:So so I appreciated I appreciated this because it for me helped me rule her out immediately, right? Like this having the checklist, I look at and I go, okay, really, really narrow thought process, really, maybe maybe some control issues, maybe like so, like all these potential personality traits that I know are just are not gonna work well with me. So in in that context, as as a guy, as a dad, as a busy, I appreciate I appreciate having that that real specific specifically laid out. She goes into her political beliefs and that she won't basically date the other side of the political belief. So it's like, okay, well, that that's great. And and I think there's there's something to that, and that goes back to to knowing what your what your values are. And and and the flip side of that is sometimes we see these these bios that say fluent in car uh sarcasm or looking for my ride or die, or or what's another one? Oh, looking for my partner in crime. It's like, what the hell does that mean? So so so what does where's what is the balance? Where and and let's let's decode so well, let's decode some of those some of those lame ones, like looking for the looking for partner in crime one makes me crazy. It's like, what does that even mean in real world? Like you're not going on a so you know, I I actually have a I actually have a response to some of them that I just mess with sometimes and and and it talks about me going on like a crime spree, and I I need somebody, you know, an attractive woman to to to man the cattle prod, and and and I send that. It doesn't get it never gets a really good reaction. But so so what do you what do you do with that?
SPEAKER_01:Okay, so can can I go all the way back to eighth grade here for a second? I mean, do we really have to do that? Well, not in a romantic sense. It's at this is actually eighth grade eighth grade English class. Oh eighth grade English class, there was something that that my teacher told us that stuck with me. It's show, don't tell. When you say my ride or die, or you say, you know, I I want my forever person or whatever, you're telling someone. You're you're you're you're giving them words that that that are labels, essentially. But what does that actually mean? What does that actually feel like? That what is the illustration? Show me what I'm actually stepping into. And and that is the key to doing effective online profiles. My one of my top lines of all time when when I was doing online dating, one of my top lines of all time, and women brought it up constantly, both in messaging and in real life, when we would get together, uh, was something to the effect of I make my bed every morning because I like the way it feels when I crawl into it at night. Something along those lines. It was it was more well-worded than that. But it said nothing. It wasn't like, oh, I'm a very organized guy or I'm neat and tidy. I I skipped past the descriptor and I gave the illustration. When you give the illustration, it gives people a concrete picture of what's in your mind. And they can try on that picture and see whether or not that's compatible with them. So if somebody's saying a ride or die, you know, that could be because they want some crazy bucket list companion that is wants to bungee jump off of every major bridge in North America. Right. Or it could be a ride or die, as in, I need to know that no matter what happens in these situations, that you will listen to me. I mean, ride or die could very much be on those two ends of the spectrum. And saying a, I would say a cool line, but obviously Jude has made it clear that it is very not cool. You know, but saying some kind of canned line like ride or die, people think that they're in the groove, that they're that they're somehow being expressive appropriately. Step past those lines and get to the illustrations. So when you're designing your own profile as a guy, make sure that you're that you're showing rather than telling. Don't use canned phrases. And then on their end, if you can, or what you you know, get to the picture behind the words to find out whether or not the compatibility is actually actually there. Right.
SPEAKER_00:So if we're looking at this profile, so opposite from from from Lisa, who's the the 42-year-old that that created this website and kind of is showing us, she's got a pretty narrow box, a little sh small box in which anybody's going to fit, right? Could it be could could you surmise from some of these trite sayings that that are on there that maybe that person is the other end of the spectrum and hasn't quite gone through to really understand what it is that they want, right? We've talked in in multiple shows before, understanding what your values are, what you're looking for, how you can be intentional. Could could you look at that and say, okay, well, she's probably not really honed in on exactly what she wants. And that's not gonna that's not gonna be for me. Again, you're it's hard to decipher, right? Could could you say that or or or not?
SPEAKER_01:Well, you uh to some degree you can. You could say that she hasn't gotten there, or you can say that she's come to understand what she wants in life and what's really important. I mean, you can see it a lot of ways. The way I choose to see it is the vibrant woman that is really, you know, showing what she's really after and it's really attractive. I she's she's the most desirable woman out there. She's the, you know, and she's open energetically. She's the one that's going to be off the market the fastest. So the way I see it is women like this, it's that that's the majority of the profiles that they write that way. And again, just to repeat what you said, guys, we have our own set of issues. We're not just dogging on women saying all the guys are doing work.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, exactly.
SPEAKER_01:It is both sides. But the way I the way I coach men towards this is okay, so this woman is not entirely self-aware of what's actually going to be effective with her, of what she actually wants to experience. That's a sleeping beauty scenario. She's waiting for the right guy to come in along and give her the proverbial kiss that wakes her up. So she's got this huge list. And so if I'm on a date with a woman that's like, well, I'm looking for this, and I'm like, okay, cool. You're looking for it. That's awesome. And I'm going to wait until she's like, so Dallas, do you make this much money? Like, Dallas, you know, do you I'm going to wait until she gets up the gumption to actually ask me directly because I'm not going to sit there qualifying my resume to her checklist. That is that is playing into this limiting and very mental intellectual rationalized approach to it. She doesn't want a rationalized intellectual experience on a date. She doesn't. What she wants is a romantic emotional experience on the date. She wants to feel like this guy's a mystery and I'm loving it. I, you know, this guy is coming with all kinds of, you know, stories and places and things that he's doing, and passions, and drive, and direction, and everything. And suddenly my list feels really boring compared to my experience of this flesh and blood man. And and but the thing is, that's something you can only really do in real life. You can do a little bit over text, a little bit over the messages. But for me, when I see women that are doing that, one, I again, I try to have compassion for where they're coming from, that they're like, I'm sick of guys that don't do this. That's fine. You know, they're coming from a place where this makes sense to them. But I'm I'm coming from a place where I want her to experience a vibrant man that isn't that is not going to sit there and try to qualify himself against her list. If she wants to ask about one of them specifically, I'm more than happy to be honest and transparent. But if but if she can't get with the flow and enjoy, you know, the playfulness, I don't want to bother going down your list and and you know answering every one of the points.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, well, and to that point, I've one of the fastest turnoffs for me is starting to run through that list when you're just starting to what do you do? The the the the one that gets me, if it's in the first two or three months, what do you do for work? That makes me crazy when I get that from a woman. Because in in my mind, that's looking at something that's external. We're talking about income or or are talking about wealth. It's it to me, it's essentially the same as saying, what are your measurements? Right to to her in the first couple of minutes, it's it focuses on something that's totally external, has nothing to do with learning who the person is, getting to like anything around that. And I it it's that well, that just makes me crazy. Now, now, some of it, so you hit on the fact that maybe she doesn't quite know. And so in in this, in this particular example where where it is maybe something that's a a vague saying or a vague bio like that, I'll be honest. If it it depends on how hot she is, if I'm gonna give her the benefit of the doubt, right? So if she's pretty hot, I'm gonna be like, okay, well, I'm gonna give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she doesn't, maybe she doesn't have things quite refined in her mind, or maybe she even just doesn't know how to put together a dating profile. Because what you just described of show me, that's not that's just inherently people just aren't aren't good at marketing in general, but definitely we're not good at marketing ourselves lots of lots of times. And and so I'll give the benefit of doubt if she's really hot, right?
SPEAKER_01:Well, yeah, well, and to you, and and that's fine. And and to your point, if she's really hot, she doesn't have to. Most guys aren't reading the profile, anyways. Most guys aren't paying attention, they're not trying to do it. She's like, why am I going to bother putting all of this out there? I'll just put a few pictures, you know, that guys swipe right on, and I'll wait for the guy that has cute pictures and writes back to me, and then we'll work out the rest in person. It that brings up an important point of how much effort is somebody really putting into all of this. Uh, to bring it back to the anomaly though, of the woman that is like higher, you know, taking out billboards, she must be, from this criteria and all the politics and everything, she must be looking for a 0.5% or less of the male population that that she's looking to connect with. And I'm sorry, like I feel like she's whittled, you know, her material down to a sliver at this point. That I feel like that's the thing that's probably, you know, creating the biggest challenge is she's probably too much up in her head and too dialed in. It's like we we we have to let this breathe a certain amount.
SPEAKER_00:We really do. Yeah, well, and it's I I feel a little bit sorry for her because I have experienced and dated lots and lots of women this age group that have have experienced. One of the things she talks about is why am I single? Because that's the question I'm sure she gets all the time. And that's why am I single? Why have I never married? Why have I why don't I have any kids? And she and she goes through all the reasons of of why she uh why that's in fact true. And one of them is let's see if I can find that here. Well, maybe not. One of one of them is that so in my 20s and 30s, I was focused on my career, really growing my career, doing this, and and and so it hasn't been something that is important to me until now. And she wants to have a family. So one of the things she talks about in her bio is it and she really specifically lays it out in two to three years, I want to be married and have and start having kids. And she's 42 years old. So this is already, you know, I I remember when Jackson and I were having our last child, she was like 35, and they were like, You're this is they call it a geriatric pregnancy.
SPEAKER_01:Over the age of 35 or 36.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, yeah, yeah. And and I was like, Oh, okay, that's interesting. I didn't I didn't even know that, but I mean, I'm not supposed to know that, I'm not not a woman, but this is pretty this is pretty common. She's well past that. And and I've since looked at the statistics and figures of getting pregnant or if you have to do IVF or something like that. Like the percentages go so, so far down for that to happen. So, so some of this, so I say that to say some of this stuff is not is is because I feel like she and many other women have been fed this whole thing, like you don't have to worry about biology. You don't have to worry about timelines and you can have it all, do it all. It's the it's the same mentality of you're you're okay, buddy, don't worry about it. Like this, it's just it's just not how we work physiologically, biologically. And and to me, so then to me, I look at that and I say, okay, there's a little bit of disconnect of from reality in in your life here. Like, not only do you have all this stringent stuff, and like you said, you're looking for the 0.5. What you want in a life and a lifestyle, probability is is really, really low that you're going to be able to achieve that.
SPEAKER_01:Well, and and as far as my point of view is when it comes to family, children, marriage, future, all of that, that's a that's a two-person design. And she's saying, This is my picture, and you better be on board with it. I mean, yes, okay, you know what you want, you know what you're going, but the more you constrain that picture, and the more you demand that another, that the partner conform to it and fit right into it, you're you're diminishing your dating pool, but you're also like, I would look at that and go, like, geez, how much of a say do I have in how any of this is going to go? I mean, and and you know, and that's a turnoff for a man, you know, to feel like to feel like you're you're giving up your freedoms to someone else's that's decided how it's going to be. I mean, that's for most men, that's just not going to be very attractive. And and to come back to your point, there are certain things that are realities. Money is a reality that everybody has to deal with. Fitness level, body type, those are real things. For guys, height is a real thing. There are definitely ways that you can get around all of these elements, but they're real. And the fact that a woman has a biological clock running, yeah, that there's this definitely is there. And if I'm a man that really, really wants to have children, the truth is a woman that's 35, 32 is going to be more attractive to me than a woman who's 40, 42, looking to have children simply because we have time on our side. That and that, and there's no two ways about it. We have more breathing room, we have more options, we have more things that we can do. And I I really hope this woman with the billboard accepts that and acknowledges that, because that that is simply there's there's a wealth of time available in other women that that that that she's not bringing to the table. And you can you can rant and rail and say should all day long. It shouldn't be like that, it shouldn't be like that. But to your point, there are certain facts that we just can't change.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, you you you you can't. And so part it the other thing that's a total you you talk about it being really narrow in a turnoff. The other thing is there's an application process on her site. So it's like click here to to apply. And it's like, oh yeah. Okay. Number one, any guy that does that is not gonna be a self respecting guy that she's gonna want to marry. And and so this is just like it's just never gonna happen. But so there's a there's another one, and if this one is really. This is one that's really pertinent to the divorced dads listening. She she puts preferably no kids. Like that's her statement. She she says she's looking for a man aged 35 to 45. Well, which in itself kind of goes to this lack of reality, if you will. She's 42. She's looking for a guy seven years younger and only like three years older than her. That's probably not gonna happen that's probably not gonna happen. 35-year-old guys aren't looking for 40-some-year-old women to then have families with and have babies. Again, that's that's we're talking in generalities. There's maybe some guys that that would be. She's an attractive woman. I I I I I could give her that, but you know, looking if somebody's has their values defined and what they want, and and men, that's she's probably not falling into to that category. But then she says, quote, preferably never married with no uh with no children. And so this is a phrase that we get as as divorced dads lots of times. So what is she really saying? Because it says doesn't say no kids, it says preferably no kids.
SPEAKER_01:I mean, preferably, I guess it means if you I'm I'm just gonna guess that if you check all these other boxes, I will can still consider you if you have these items. I'm gonna I'm gonna guess of course, but don't expect yourself to be at the top of the list.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. Is it about is it about not having baggage? Is it is is is that part of it that she just wants something.
SPEAKER_01:So I what I'm feeling from her is like she just wants something clean, exactly like the yeah, she wants a clean slate that she can paint her picture onto. That's that's what I see. Again, because she has a very clear picture of what she wants, what she wants her life to look like. I spent my 20s and 30s working in my career, I've done this, I've done that, I've done that. And now what I want the now, what I want the next part of my life to look like is this. I'm I'm sorry, I'm just gonna say that's a rather vain way to look at your life. If you actually want to be partnered up with somebody, it is a co-created picture of what life looks like. There doesn't feel to me like there's a whole lot of room. I I haven't looked at our website, but there doesn't feel to me like the whole lot of invitation for a man to come in and speak into what would look amazing to him. It just feels like there's maybe a five to ten percent margin for him to kind of like maybe have a man cave in the backyard or something, like maybe, but but like that's it. Like it seems like she has it's like she's already like painted 95% of the campus, and the guy has like very little room left to work with. And I don't know any man that is that is attracted to that situation, right?
SPEAKER_00:And it's unfortunate for her because she is not, so let's go to the masculine-feminine dynamic. She's not leaving herself open to to having a man lead and co-create, create and co-create that's that environment for her, which is partly what women want, the sense of adventure and romance and and all that. She's got all of this criteria there. She's just not open to all that, which is the sexiest, most fun part of establishing and and and having a relationship with somebody. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. I mean, when you come to a date, the the best, the best dates are you had your checklist, you had your questions, she had hers, and both of you forget them completely because you go off on these amazing spontaneous tangents. That that's the very best that you can. And again, a woman that that brings this checklist to the table, what I tell the guys is go ahead and let her say the checklist, spend it, but don't play into it. Don't feel that you have to answer all of these. And she's incredibly rigid about coming back to them. Well, it I would say be playful with it. You know, and you know, what do you do for a living if your answer is well, as little as possible, to be honest.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:I mean, like, you know, it's yeah, I use the George Capanza, I'm a hand model. Yeah, right. There you go. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:And then I just want to see what their reaction is.
SPEAKER_01:Exactly. Because if they are more interested in the checklist than they are in being playful in the moment, you know, you have to ask yourself, is this someone that you really want to be playing with? You know? And at the other side of the spectrum, if you're just a clown and you really don't take any of this seriously and you don't have your affairs in order, you know, like when you have a good job, when you have your finances, you know, in order, then you can kid about it all day long and be playful because you know there's a foundation underneath. You have to start with having real answers to these, to these, all these questions. Exactly. And you have your answers that make sense to you, but you don't want to, but you want to invite her into a playful world to detach her, break the break the tethers and the moors from the dock so that the two of you can get out there and actually have a journey.
SPEAKER_00:Right. And and let's talk about that because I think that's an awesome, awesome point, is if you know your values, you've got your life together, to to whatever extent we ever have our life together, but but you know who you are. Being playful and and having fun like that is is a really great because so and and and you you you call it clown, like, but if you are just a clown and you don't have, you're gonna have to show up at some point, and it you're gonna they're gonna see through that really quickly. So so so you can feel confident, and and and I think guys oftentimes, just because we have this this linear brain, right? Compartmentalized brain, don't don't allow ourselves to get into that lightness and that that humor, and we might get into, oh, well, this is a checklist, and okay, well, she's asking this again, and da-da-da. Like, try to try to break through. Some women just have not experienced a guy that is comfortable in his skin and is able to lead and wants to have a healthy relationship, and so this is her defense mechanism to to weed out all the clowns, right? Because you know, there are there's a lot of us are clowns. I've been a clown in my lifetime, so I was that person at at some point too. So, so so the the and and then if you start to do that and you still see that that that real stringent of coming back to the same question or really trying to dial it in or trying to see if they're checking off, then you know. And it's like, okay, this woman, I can't even break through to get to her to her feminine nature so that she can have a little bit of fun.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. This woman is stuck in the corporate space, you know, romantically speaking, and we're never going to get past it. And some guys, that might be what you're looking for, cool, but but let her go find one of those guys if if that's if that doesn't turn you on. Yeah. Coming back to the to the playfulness side, the re like I think a lot of men are told to do all the things that we do in life because this qualifies us. Literally, like, you are not qualified to have the women that you want. You're you're not qualified to have children, you're not qualified to feel proud of yourself, you're not qualified to feel confident, you're not qualified to have any attention unless you do these things. There is there is a plenty of truth to that. Uh, you know, a respectable man does a certain number of things in his life, he does them well, and he does them because he likes the way they make them, they make him feel. But most men stop at the qual at doing it because it qualifies him in life. The thing that that really helps men is when you have when you have done the work, and a clown is somebody who has not done the work, who has not, who has not built the character, who's not taking care of business in his life. That's a clown. Once you've done the work, realize that the humor and and the playfulness naturally emerges on top of that because you know everything's taken care of. You can mess around, you know, you can go and have a couple of drinks on the weekend. You can be playful, you can be rowdy because you've taken care of business during the week. That's what we're talking about. When you're on a date, those are your off hours. You know, you're there to have fun. You did your work that qualified you to be there earlier that week and the years leading up. And so when you come to the date and you're wondering, how do I get to that playful place? It's because you earned it. And a man that has earned it, you're it's it's like you've brought in your big harvest and there's a feast. There's plenty to go around and you get to relax. You know, we're in the fall season, you know, feasting and everything. Like that's that is what the that is what playfulness is to a woman is this man has so much abundance in all the areas of his life that he can kick back, be relaxed, and laugh and play because he knows there is plenty stored in the bank, emotionally, financially, and otherwise. That's what the playfulness is really demonstrating.
SPEAKER_00:Well, and and so that that whole qualifying thing, it and this is a tough one for dads, particularly because our our self- self-worth, self-esteem, etc., has taken a hit going through this. And then there's all you are a great dating and relationship coach, but there are a ton of them that are out there online, everywhere, talking about, oh, you got to get jacked, or oh, you got to be making, you know, level up to X dollar amount, et cetera. And so so what happens is we start to think about that in the context of qualifying ourselves. And I would just say to the encourage the dads, listening, stop qualifying yourself. Don't think about it in terms of that, but think about it what you just described, which is do I have a vision and direction for my life? Okay, so yeah, okay, you went through a divorce, life has changed exponentially, it's very different. The the relationship that you once thought was gonna be for the rest of your life is no longer, that's that's difficult, but you have a have a vision or direction. So know what it is that you want to accomplish in dating. Know what it is that you want that's gonna be different this time in in this relationship, and then you bring you bring that, and then the the then you're not qualifying yourself, you're you're inviting, like you always say, you're inviting that person to that vision and direction for for your life. And that's gonna be different for it's different for Dallas compared to to Jude, right? It's different. I always I am I always use the the example like uh it's different between a Tom Brady and a Prince, right? Like Tom Brady was the athlete, stud, great look. Prince was just this little guy, but he was and and kind of weird looking, like and and and and very you know very exotic and different. But man, did he get a lot of chicks, right? And and so, but but and you can no guy can deny that he was a stud, right? But he was like whatever, five foot eight and wore purple and and fluffy shirts. And so the the point being is don't qualify yourself to all this other crap that's that's going in or out there. Qualify to you qualify yourself by creating your vision and direction in your life, and then you go out there, and guess what? There are gonna be women that are gonna be attracted to that. It's not gonna be every woman, so you're gonna get a lot of no's like I get a ton of no's, right? Yeah, but that's okay because that just that weeds it out faster, right? You don't want the no's. That that creates the problem it you just got out of, which is your divorce, right? Exactly.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, and to bring it back to the dating profiles, they've shown statistically, you don't want to create, you don't want to attempt to create a universally compatible profile because that actually doesn't get much of a much of a response. Like you're it's not a lot of negatives, but it's not a lot of strong positives either. When you essentially are repulsive to a certain amount of the crowd because you're showing who you really are, you end up being highly attractive to another part of the crowd. And the net gain is actually quite worth it. Um let me let me also bring back to it.
SPEAKER_00:I just want to point out guys that are listening, Dallas is world renowned for the the online dating stuff in his profile. So he really, really knows what what he's doing. And maybe we'll do a whole episode on that one day about your experience, what you've done with it, and and why you bring such a vast amount of knowledge with it. But I just want to say that if you if you Google him, you'll you'll see what what what I'm talking about. There's you know, there's been there's been shows about uh about Dallas and awards, and I don't know, is there a is there a is there a Dallas Bluth online profile award somewhere out there? We should start one of those.
SPEAKER_01:I don't know, dude, but you're definitely gonna get me in hot water. You're definitely gonna get me in hot water. So I want to bring it back though to to the single dads and that that have this doubt in their mind about you know their own what they're bringing to the table. And I would here's the challenge that I would put out to every single dad listening to this episode. Every woman is, she responds according to the experience that we're giving her. And as a single dad, you are bringing certain qualities as a man to the table that a man that's never had children and never been married cannot bring to the table. A man that's never been married can bring certain elements. Look, I'm a clean slate, you don't have to worry about all of this stuff. And also, maybe I'm not ready to get married, maybe I'm not that type, maybe I never will. That's all part of the never been married, don't have children crowd of men. For the single dads coming to it, realize that, yeah, I've been around, I've been, I've been, you know, banged or banged up a little bit because I've been through a divorce. And you know what? I really know where I stand now. That is a highly attractive trait. And when you can share that with a woman and she can experience it, her shoulders will drop. She will exhale, she will be like, this guy has been there. He the the the rosy-colored glasses have been broken at this point. This man understands what it is to be a father. He understands the responsibilities. Heck, if I've never been married and never had kids, this guy's going to be able to help us get through this in ways that a guy that's never been through it, you know, can't. Realize that these are all traits and qualities that you as a single dad have, that the guys that don't have children and have never been married don't. And and and when you when you can focus those, channel those, when you can see those as ways that you can deliver an experience to this woman that only a single dad can, that's going to give you a competitive edge in the marketplace for certain women.
SPEAKER_00:Yes.
SPEAKER_01:Lean into it. It's part of who you are, use it.
SPEAKER_00:Absolutely. And in I encourage guys when they're having the conversations about their past relationship or the or their divorce to speak to speak to it in a positive manner because that is exactly so, and and it's not it's not even a spoken thing that you have to what you describe. Well, like I've been through a battle and I'm resilient, da-da-da. Like they know it. They you just if you're showing up and you're like, yeah, this is what happened, this is what it was through, and and then you have this lightness and this positivity about a potential new relationship. They're like, wow, this guy's been through a like a war, right? Or a battle or whatever. He's come out, he's survived. You know, it's like the the this is a bad this is maybe gonna get me in trouble this this now. It's like coming like military that used to come back from battles, right? Like they came back and they persevered, and that was attractive, right? Like you've been through a battle, it's not the same, obviously, but but that just the hindbrain of women is just that's gonna register, and you don't have to have to talk about all the difficulties that you've been through or anything else. They're just gonna in it's just gonna happen.
SPEAKER_01:Well, you want a seasoned player on your team, not a rookie. Yeah, you know, you don't want the guy coming in, it's his first season. Yeah, put me out there, come swinging the bat, missing, too exciting. You want the seasoned player who's been through it, you know, who's had the hard season, who's had the wins. And you know, and that's part of the culture, you know, in that dugout is you've got the seasoned players helping the rookies, you know, really, really, you know, step into to where they need to be. And when you're a single dad, you're seasoned. You know, coming back to the slow cooker, you know, episode, it's like you've been slow cooked, my brother. Yeah, like you know, you've been seasoned at this point. Bring that richness, it is richness. Bring that richness to the table and present it that way. She might not have ever even thought of it that way, but when you own it and you bring it to the table, and last thing, like you said, when you have processed things inside of you and you can get to a place of likeness where you're no longer bitter, talking about the past experience, and you go, yeah, that probably wasn't such a good idea, and you can laugh about it while still taking responsibility. Again, that that shows a level of maturity that us guys that don't have kids and never been married, we cannot demonstrate.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. So let's put a bow on this. Preferably, if you see preferably, can we say that that means there's open opportunity? Basically, because there's all these checklists. If you're hitting most of these checklists, the preferably means, yeah, there's, you know, like like I was saying, well, it depends on how hot she is, right? Like there's a you know, preferably, it preferably means okay, like you're gonna have to hit some other criteria, probably, but there's an opening, so don't rule yourself totally out.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I absolutely don't rule yourself out. And I'm gonna come back to it of don't get don't get overly overly caught up in trying to qualify yourself to her list.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, true.
SPEAKER_01:That's in a passive following role. If if she's hot enough, if you're attracted to her, if you want to take a swing, take your swing. Now, if there's something that must be on her list, you should probably throw it, hey, by the way, I already have kids or whatever it is. Just put it out there as a as as a as a matter of honesty. You want to put it out there. But you do not need to qualify yourself to women. You you simply don't. It's this isn't a matter of you trying to sign up for a job and bring everything to the table. The real criteria is how does she feel when she's in your presence? That is the real criteria that matters. Step there first. Yeah, so oh, pref prefer this, prefer that. It's like, well, why don't you see how hard you're laughing when you're when once you've been with me for 12 minutes, and then we'll decide how much that preference is really important to you.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, yeah, that's that's funny. Okay, I want to hit on just a couple more, a couple more things. One is the the the kind of lifestyle and core value alignment thing. You get you get profiles that are listed like active, right? Does that mean you need to be a marathon runner? Like, is it about shared energy, a willingness to get just will you get off the couch? Like, what does what does that truly mean in a relational context?
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. I I mean, again, show, don't tell. Active, what does that mean? For me, active is literally building rock walls in the mountain. I don't think anyone else lifts rocks, digs them up, puts them in wheelbarrows, and stacks them into walls. I don't think that's anyone else's definition of active, but I can tell you it is very active. Yeah. These are we we have to see this as these are generic words, and we're looking for specific, concrete examples. And and and and again, generic the the the right way to do this, this is what all the coaching is about, is the all of these are opportunities. When a woman says active lifestyle, and you throw in there, you know, well, you know, and you throw in there two or three concrete specific ones that are at polar ends of what active could look like.
SPEAKER_00:Yes.
SPEAKER_01:And and and you make her laugh because she's laughing at the fact that she was so generic and left it so broadly open, you know, to so many different options. Again, you've stepped right past the generic boring label, and you're already into a shared experience through through your concrete imagery that you're providing, even in a first message. Yeah. So what I'm hearing a lot about generic labels. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. Well, that's what I'm that's what I'm hearing a lot from you with some of these profiles that are are generic or maybe not very well well written, is don't get don't get too caught up into them, but you can you can mitigate and try to dive deeper into it through some simple conversation. And that might be, we might get into how to do that through messages and and talking. Ultimately, here's the thing, guys. Get in front of the get in front, get together with the person. That's going to be the way to do it and to learn about them and to to really see if there's any opportunity. So all the rest of this, all the rest of this stuff is semantics for getting in front of the person. So I just want to leave that out there.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, and and every one of these women that's writing a profile that again feels generic, they feel like you know, large labels, every one of them, they're in they're in single mode. They're in the mode of a woman that is not in a relationship, which is not going to be very much in her feminine. When you meet her in person, when you interact with her over text, and you show up with a very attractive lead, you're going to shift her into a different mode. And suddenly the words are going to change, the labels are going to change. And this is what I call a sleeping beauty scenario. When you show up with the right humor, when you show up with the right confidence, when you show up with the right energy, what was a boring profile becomes a vibrant woman.
SPEAKER_00:Yes.
SPEAKER_01:That's that most of these women are to certain guys, they are sleeping beauties waiting to be woken up. So don't like, oh, well, she's not all that. It's like, dude, if she is all turned on and amazing, she ain't gonna be single for long. She's she's gonna be swept up by some other guy really, really quick. You have to realize this is fruit that is higher up in the tree and maybe not fully ripe, but you have the effective capacity to wake her up and take her from a generic place to a vibrant, sexy place. Okay, so is that true?
SPEAKER_00:This is the this so this is the final one, and it's probably the hardest one. And we don't have a ton of time to get into it, but is that in fact true when you get the political statements on on a on a on a profile? The the if you are a blank swipe left, or you know, this has become a real prominent filter and and and not even just a filter. It used to just be a filter. Now I see on lots of women's, it's like if you are this, like no, and I think that's pretty clear, right? But what about if they're not in the same alignment as you are politically?
SPEAKER_01:So I think for a lot of people, okay, so if someone feels strong enough about politics either way, to put it way out there, like no Trump supporters. If you voted for Trump, I never want to talk to you. You know, that's a that's a typical line that's out there. What whatever the political slant is, if it's strong enough that they're putting on their profile, it's clearly a part of their self-identity. It is part of how they see themselves and who they see themselves to be. So that's not just a wake them up situation. That is something where that they derive strength from about themselves. I would ask yourself, how much if if that re well, I would really ask yourself, does that identity in a woman turn you on? Is that something that you really want as a man? Never mind the fact that she might be yelling at you for your for your beliefs or your actions or whatever. Like, never mind that part. Ask yourself, do I want to be with a woman that that is being so vocal and so so, again, strongly identifying with that particular position? If you're like, great, yeah, because we have the same views, wonderful. Go go off, have little babies that have the same points of view, great. But if but if she's at the opposite end of the spectrum and it's a turn-off to you, recognize that it's a turnoff and don't try to have this uphill battle of trying to change her identity and politics to be what you are. Dude, swipe left and filter her out. And you're filtering out from your side. This isn't she disqualified you. She showed you who she is. You're disqualifying her because she turned you off.
SPEAKER_00:Right. Well, and that goes back to you know what you were saying, which is it's okay because when you're filtering out yourself or others, that's opening you to be you know open and and attractive to some other some other segments that really is looking for what it is that that that you are. So don't feel this there's this scarcity mentality lots of time, but I feel like divorced dads get into it and be like, oh, but she's so hot. It's like, okay, but you're like, trust me, if if you haven't figured that out and you've been through a divorce, you've got a lot more work to do. Just just be okay. There are more women out there, I promise you.
SPEAKER_01:Okay, let me let me just put it out there. There is no, I'm I this is not scientifically proven, but we all know it. There is no correlation between how hot a woman is and how hot sex with that woman is.
SPEAKER_00:Very true.
SPEAKER_01:No correlation whatsoever. As men, we're attracted to but what looks hot and and and we and we we're like, oh, we're gonna have that. Once you get there, there is no correlation. Sometimes it's hot, but sometimes it's not, but there is no direct correlation between how hot a woman appears to us and how hot the actual sexual experience and other experiences are with a woman. For me, I want to be having hot sex with a woman. And, you know, and part of that is her physical attractiveness. But ultimately, being with a hot woman that is like, yeah, okay, there's consent, and yeah, okay, we're kind of getting it worked out, but it's not really hot. I don't see the appeal. I really don't. And when I talk with my clients and they finally land with women that, you know, that that it finally clicks with, half the time it's not who they thought it would be, but they're in a place that they couldn't even imagine be fe being feeling with with the hotness of the chemistry going back and forth.
SPEAKER_00:Right. And so for me, with the the political thing, I feel like if they are putting out there so what you just what we described, which is real clear statements, it that just disqualifies, right? So that's that's easy. The the as far as aligning one way or another and and and putting that on your profile, for me, that that also, because there's some there's some specific things that are in there that are in uh alignment with a political party that are value-based. And and so typically, now that doesn't mean that that doesn't mean see, and and this is where it gets dicey, I think, Dallas, is I think 80% of all people, whatever party they're in, agree on most things in life, right? So, so the problem in in this whole polarization is that you're ruling out all these people that 80%, if if you could 80% is a good percentage anywhere. Baseball, gambling, like those are good percentages, and we're ruling so many of them out. Now, so that that that is that's a struggle that that I have sometimes, all although if they're putting out like I'm this or I'm that, it usually means that there are some core values. Now, there's other core values that that align more importantly for me to to to the person, their their faith. For me, it's is it's faith, is uh is a real big one because that's a that's a whole because I've created my lifestyle around that, right? So it goes to what I've created and what I've envisioned in the direction that I have in in my life. But I do feel that if I do see one or the other on there, that those those do correlate to a value, but maybe not rule them completely out because I have actually dated actually many women that that would say that they're on the the different end of the political political spectrum than than I was, and we've had good relationships. Now, the thing was is in very hot sex, but But the thing was, is it wasn't enough to get that to the point where it was going to be totally in alignment. So wrap us up with that. Like you don't want to rule out 80%. You probably have a lot a lot in common, but maybe not. Is there a so like how do you decipher that? That's what I'm asking. That's a tough one.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, okay. So when people are very blatantly strongly identifying with it and they're loudly played, you know, pasting on their page where they are, trust yourself. Is that a turn-off for you or a turn-on for you? And that's an easy swipe left or right. I think to your point, we need to realize that there's a lot of interpretation, gray area, who a person really is. In economics, they talk about heuristics. And in the economic context, heuristics is a mental shortcut that we make. You know, sort of like what you would call a rule of thumb. You can basically know that, you know, saving uh 10% out of your retirement out of your paycheck every month is your for retirement is a good thing to do. You haven't done all the math. You haven't gone all the way down to necessarily work it all out. You just trust the rule of thumb. You're trusting the mental shortcut, the heuristic of it. Well, heuristics can definitely get in your way when you talk about something like politics, because it's like, oh, well, you're Republican. And I'm using that as a mental shortcut, a heuristic, to disqualify people because I assume that means a whole bunch of things. In a dating context, unless someone is really strongly identifying and publishing big billboards about it, unless someone's doing that, you don't want to apply these heuristics. You don't want to make assumptions about the whole person. You want to get to know the person, be honest as the person reveals themselves, but you want to get to know the person to see where the compatibilities and incompatibilities actually fall.
SPEAKER_00:Right. And this also is predicated upon what is it that you're looking for while you're dating, too. So if you're looking for a long-term relationship, like, you know, to bring it back to the Lisa lady, and it's real specific and she wants to have kids and et cetera, then and and she describes herself as a specific, has a specific bent, and she's not completely non-religious. So then you might know, okay, yeah, that you can use that heuristic because as a dad, I don't want to waste too much time. It's pretty clear that she's not in alignment. It's if if at best it's going to be something short-term, which if that's what you're doing and you're open about that and that's your intention, that's fine. But also be clear with the person. But if you're looking, she wants a relationship, she wants kids in a family, if that's what you want to, it's probably not going to work out. So you can use that heuristic.
unknown:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:And and if you are, and if you're a dad and you haven't figured out those values yet, that's what Jude is particularly good at is helping to rebuild those building blocks from the ground up to put your life back in order so that you know what is really most important to you when you're going out on the dating scene.
SPEAKER_00:Thank you, Dallas. Yes, that is true. Maybe we can wrap it up with that. And and I will say then when you are you're getting into the dating pool again, there's nobody better than than Dallas to help you. Not only, and and so this is the thing. We talk about quote unquote dating coaches, but you know, what we talk about a lot is uh approaching, et cetera. What you do a ton of is relationship, like in the relationship, which is is huge and is is I would argue the most difficult and challenging thing. So so even guys, if you are dating somebody now, I want to point out that Dallas is a great resource for you to be able to get to whatever level you are looking to get to in that relationship. It's not just finding that relationship, it's helping you in that relationship too. And and maybe we need to hit on that a little bit more, but talk about that if you want, but also let let everybody know how they can get a hold of you.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, one of the one of the things I love is that when I'm working with a man that's single and then he begins dating, and then I check in with him, and I'm like, so you still gonna hang out? He's like, Dallas, I need what you're doing now more than ever, because I want to continue the things I was doing right into the relationship. Yeah, it's you know, I've I've I've worked with people that are married, I've worked with people that are engaged, and you know, their fiance is getting pregnant, and where, you know, where is this gonna go? And they're coming up with new challenges. That is all part of it. Dating is really that's the hook where we start. But yeah, it goes in further. So, and um, check out the uh the men's coaching program, blackboxdating.com. That'll give you all the details. And if you're in the Denver area last Friday, Saturday of every month, we actually hit the streets live and go through all this stuff and um even go up and talk to women together. So, yeah. Jude, awesome. How can people know more about all the wonderful services that you provide?
SPEAKER_00:Divorced or divorcing dads, check out the divorced advocate.com. We've got resources for you wherever you're at in the process and whatever you might need. So the divorced advocate.com. All right, Dallas. Well, I said I was gonna keep it under an hour and I failed to do that again as the co-host. So we're gonna have to I'm gonna have to get better at my man. There's just so much to talk about with this. It's just and and you and I are such geeks on this stuff that we could probably just keep talking forever and ever. But hey, appreciate all your pros and wisdom. It was another great episode. If you found some value in this, guys, please share far and wide on social media, give us a star rating, or even better, give us some comments.
SPEAKER_01:Yep, and all that hate mail, send it right over to dude. He loves to get it. And until then, we will uh talk to you next week. All right.