Dads Dating After Divorce
Dating after divorce isn’t what it used to be—especially when you’re a dad. The rules have changed, the world has changed, and now you’ve got kids in the mix. Join Dallas and Jude as they share real-world strategies and insights from their work with dads and men at BlackBoxDating.com and TheDivorcedDadvocate.com.
Dads Dating After Divorce
18 - From Availability To Attraction
Ever get a “let me check my schedule” that drifts into silence? We unpack why availability feels confusing, how to read it without taking it personally, and what to do instead of pushing for a plan. Our focus: inviting, not burdening. You’ll learn how to craft vivid, low‑pressure invitations, keep your energy consistent after the first spark, and swap the effort mindset for a cleaner metric—response. If the invitation is clear, authentic, and playful, the yes becomes obvious. If it isn’t, you have your answer.
We dive into the difference between busy and disinterested, the cyclical nature of feminine energy, and why compassion is a secret performance enhancer for men. When you accept cycles, you let the pressure out of the system, which ironically makes you more attractive. We also take aim at dating apps: they create an illusion of infinite options, but most are low quality. One embodied ask in real life can outmatch a hundred messages online. We share practical first‑date ideas that feel “exotic” without being expensive—think uncommon presence, not Paris.
Consistency is everything. If you show up charismatic once and go bland over text, attraction fades. Keep the same authentic voice in your follow‑ups so she trusts this is who you are. We cover how to speak from the heart when availability wanes: affirm the good, say what you miss, and invite a return to it without blame. And we underline a crucial mindset shift for divorced dads—be on mission. When your life has purpose beyond dating, your presence feels grounded and women can lean into choosing you.
If this resonates, hit follow, share it with a friend who’s back in the dating world, and leave a quick review. It helps more dads find the tools to date with clarity, courage, and real connection.
Welcome to this week's episode of Dad's Dating After Divorce. My name is Jude Sandval. I am the founder of The Divorce Advocat, and my co-host today is Dallas Bluth. Today and every day, every week. Dallas Blut, the founder of Black Box Dating. How are you doing today, Dallas?
SPEAKER_00:I'm doing fabulous, Jude. It's uh great to be back here for yet another week of talking about dad's dating and all the craziness that goes into it.
SPEAKER_01:Oh man, it's crazy. It's yeah, it is definitely crazy. I've got some fun, interesting stuff that's this happened this week. I don't know if we'll jump into it, but but uh what I do what I would like to talk about is we've we've been we've been talking a lot about kind of theory and strategy and getting your values in line and stuff. I wanted to talk a little bit more in practicality of like what you're doing within the context of a relationship and and talk about two specific things, which is one availability and two energy. And when I say energy, not just like the energy of like the person's bubbly or whatever, but the energy that somebody is putting into or not putting into or effort, okay. Maybe we say maybe we put it that availability and effort instead of energy. How about that? Availability and effort that they're that they're putting into a potential relationship, dating a potential relationship, or during a relationship. Because that's gonna probably differ and and vary, but I think in the beginning, you can kind of get a sense of what that might be in the relationship. So let's let's let's start off with the with the availability thing, because this is a frustration that I hear from dads lots of times. So they've we've talked about doing the work, getting yourself in a good place, creating the environment in your life. And I hear guys that are like, yep, you know, I'm post-divorce, I've taken the time, and I've got my life in order, I've done my co-parenting. Well, I've got everything aligned, my job is good, or my my business, etc. And maybe I meet somebody and I get their number, or if you're on the apps and you you match with them, and then you start to try to coordinate, maybe just even that simple first get together, which as far as I'm concerned, should be kind of low-key and no pressure, and just kind of see if you you you like the person, and you're met with like, oh, I'll check my schedule, or let me get back to you, or I've got uh the third, the third Thursday of of the month's ending in Y, and that would be three months from now. You know, so just uh a lack of of availability, and so just so first off, just give me some of your do you get that too from from from from guys that that you're working with too?
SPEAKER_00:Oh yeah, yeah. The the availability piece and it um and the hard part about it is we don't know how much of it is genuine lack of availability, how much of it is a lack of interest, how much of it is a matter of them just being kind of wrapped up in themselves and what they're doing, and they get so many invitations, you know, to go out that you know they don't really care, you know, how polite they are or respectful in in doing it. And it and it's it's really, really hard to know from the outside what situation we're looking at. They could be an incredibly busy woman on a professional, you know, level. They could be a single mom that has kids and they've got the and they've got those kids anywhere from 50 to 100% of the time, and they they they don't have a lot of time. And and that this is the hard thing when we're talking about just meeting somebody is you have no idea what the story really is. You know, them them not being available could be everything from they really are book solid to they just got burned and they don't want to put themselves back out there. And so what it comes to, the only solution I have found is that as men, we have to absorb the cost of that up front, not in an indefinite way, not going, you know, we don't want to be a doormat, we don't want to be a nice guy, we don't want to be 100% adaptive, but we have to acknowledge that somebody's gotta, you know, somebody's gotta spend a little bit in the beginning. And I see it as a man is we have to be a little more open-minded, a little more adaptive, a little more just just add a little bit of allowance in there because nobody knows the other person when you're starting out.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. I so I used to get really annoyed about this in in in the beginning, but then I well, then I started maturing in how I dating, number one. But number two, I started asking more and more questions about the leading questions. Well, help me understand what your dating life looks like, what's your availability? And what I seem to find is, and we've talked about this lots of times, women just look at things and approach the world in different ways. Men are very linear and organized. And I want to go on a date, I'm gonna I'm gonna date three times a week, and I'm gonna do one lunch, one like they really have specific laid-out plans. And and I what I started to find, and this is this is just my experience, but I want to hear because you work with way more, you know, way more guys dating, that women just have not even thought through it. I'd I'd ask and I'd say, so what is what is your vision for for dating? And if we were to get into they're like, you know, blank's there. I don't I don't have any idea. And so so is that do you do you find that that's that's also that that's true?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, that is well, some women that do get very intentional about how they're gonna do it, like our last episode, that turns into checklists. That turns into them being very predetermined and almost headstrong about what it's gonna look like. I've found that you know, women that are in a good place, they're they respond to the to an effective stimulus from the right guy. They're waiting for the right guy to come along, they're waiting for the right invitation to come in to come along, they're waiting for the right vibe to come along. And when it does, suddenly they're available, suddenly they have time in their calendar, suddenly they they can they can afford a babysitter, suddenly everything starts to work out when when they're responding to the right invitation from the right guy. To come back to your own point, yeah, go ahead. Well, that's a good point.
SPEAKER_01:So from a from uh like a practical standpoint in approaching women or asking them out on on dates, then does that mean if she's giving you the well, let me check my schedule and she doesn't get back to you, or she's slow or she's vague, or or it's really not, should you just let it go? Because you it's probably not, you're probably not the one that she's looking for, or what it's just not gonna happen, or how do you press into that if she's if she's doing all those things that are just like, okay, well, I'm asking y'all, I'm taking because you know we take we take and we're gonna talk about this with with the effort part of it after, right? Is uh is we take all the risk up front, really. And and and so if so, how far do we press into that before we say, oh, okay, it's just is not gonna happen.
SPEAKER_00:So I I would I would say press into it is not the energy that I would look at. I would say how strongly do we want to invite her? Because and again, maybe this is semantics, but my one rule in dating that I share with every man that I work with is don't burden the woman. If you're pressing into her, if you're leaning into her, if you're creating a weight and she's feeling the pressure, that is just gonna cause everything to close up more with her, and it's not gonna lead to what you want. Now, if you want to invite more boldly, if you want to invite more exotically, you know, to, you know, oh, I'm I was thinking of taking a day trip down here or I was gonna do it. And, you know, you you make your you have to the first question you have to ask is what is the invitation that I'm extending it, that I'm extending, and two, what is the energy and state of the man, me, that's extending that invitation? Those are the two things that the woman is going to respond to, yes or no. Brad Pitt shows up and invites you to go to the you know to Paris for the weekend, women are gonna probably gonna say yes. That's just how that works, because it's the man that's showing up and it's and it's the invitation that he's extending. Well we we might not be Brad Pitt as far as fame and fortune goes, but that doesn't mean we can't be Brad Pitt as far as energy and as far as how enticing and and and engaging and exotic the invitation can be. So Okay, let's stop right let's stop right there because I'm I I'm really curious about this.
SPEAKER_01:How exciting and exotic can I make like a first intro date? Like let's just say we met somebody, you talked a little bit, you got her number, and then you're you're you're you're reaching out or you're meet on like what is like what is that? What is an exotic coffee date look like or or just meet for drinks or whatever?
SPEAKER_00:Help me out. Help us out with that. I I'm I'm so glad that I met you. No, really, I mean, I you know, like I don't often feel this way when I talk with somebody and I really want to get to know you more. What are you doing on Saturday? Would you like to grab a would you like to have coffee with me? That is exotic because it's authentic.
SPEAKER_01:Okay, so not exotic, not exotic plans like Paris, coffee in Paris for a first day, not exotic locations or or design, it like an exotic invitation that that that brings her that draws her into you to your energy.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, so by exotic, I mean not normal. Exotic is other than the standard normal. If I'm like, hey, yeah, so do you want to have coffee sometime? That's just normal energy that 99% of the guys, that's what it feels like when they ask them out. But I am like, you know, it's been so fun chatting with you here. Normally I don't laugh this much in line when I'm getting two things at Walmart. But gosh, you are so much fun to be around. I would really love to see you again. Would you like to have coffee? And then, so that's that's the exotic part of me as a man being vulnerable and showing, you know, showing a certain energy, a certain presence in the moment. The other part of the exoticness is, I would say, the playfulness behind it. I'd be like, hey, have you ever had coffee at a mini golf place? There's I know it sounds weird, but I found this place up on the north end of Denver. It's like, it sounds odd, I know, but I I went there one time, it was totally cool. Do you want to come check it out with me? Again, we're not talking Paris, we're not talking something, you know, super exotic, but I'm being playful. What we're doing, why we're going. It's like, well, yeah, so what's what part of town are you in? You know, like, oh, there's a, you know, I'll find a coffee shop. Like, there's nothing exotic about that. But if I if I tell them, you know, there's this traditional tea place, like they have all these weird things, or it's like, you know what, I don't actually drink coffee or tea, but I love juice. There's this, there's this, you know, all organic juice bar the meaning to check out. Are you down to you know, to try it with me? All of those are something outside of the norm, outside of the typical boring routine. And he and this is the trick. As a man and as and as a a writer, a composer of invitations, I don't want to be boring. I don't want to blend in with every other man that is aster out. And the and and again, it's like, how much do I press into it? Well, press into myself first. And how much energy am I actually offering in my own presence and authenticity? And how much energy am I infusing into this invitation that I'm extending to her? If I want her to be available for me, I need to be enticing on my end when I when I invite her out.
SPEAKER_01:Okay, so that makes perfect sense. Except for the fact that you are a pro at this, you just rattle that off, and I can just see you in the grocery store line at Walmart or wherever. Like, nail and that, and then you've got the date on Friday. Like, no problem. The rest of us guys like me, you know, are just if that doesn't, and I know it takes some practice. Like, give us some tips on how to get better at that, whether it's text tech for lack of better term, text game or grocery store game or whatever. It's not, it's not game, but approaching and and and and asking out, give us give us some tips on how to get better at that, what we can do around that, etc. Because yeah, I agree with you 100%, but I'm standing at the store and I might be, you know, I might make some stupid, stupid comment, which is actually gonna do the opposite. Like she's gonna run to the next line, right? To to go check out. But like help help me out with that a little bit. Help the guys out, and yeah, with that.
SPEAKER_00:It all it all depends. I mean, if you make some stupid comment, but you laugh at yourself in the process, you know how at the moment suddenly you became super authentic and quite charming and endearing and honestly rather exotic. You you became interesting, you became something out of the norm. It's really how you roll with it. So, okay, okay, being present, being in the moment, gosh, it's such a it's it's such an overplayed term at this point. You know, people say it so much. One way that I can say that works really well is essentially if you imagine that you are opening a window into your imagination through your words, either spoken in person or or over text. As in, I'm imagining this. I'm not going to dis I'm not going to summarize it. I'm not going to turn it into generic terms. I'm actually going to be as concrete and illustrative as I can with my words. It's much easier for any person to feel into that when you can. The biggest tip though is what I just did with you. I I was like, I'm just going to make Jude feel awkward. I'm going to ask him out right here and demo it. Guys, that's really all it is. Is, you know, I I decided to break the rule of treating you like a male co-host on a podcast. And I I immediately I just jumped into role-playing with you as if you were a woman that I was asking out because I knew that would be far more effective for you to experience it with me. And I do this with my clients. We do role playing when we do Fridays in the field, you know, and we're all out there. We will drop into role playing. And then when we're doing it, a lot of times we get attention from women because we're so authentic when we're doing it. And then I'm like, come on, guys, let's go over and talk to them. And we we go over and they realize this isn't role playing. This is granting permission for me to step into the role that I've always desired being as a man. There isn't really any magic trick. It's I'm gonna I'm gonna give you a really it's gonna seem off the wall analogy, but just go with me for a minute. So have have you ever uh you ever spoken a foreign language, like fluently? Have you ever been lived in another country for an extended amount of time?
SPEAKER_01:No.
SPEAKER_00:No, okay. So I have. I've lived five years of my life abroad, and I remember my first stay abroad was in France, and I was I had this moment where I knew all the words in French, but my accent was like kind of okay. And you know, I was je parlais français comme ça, comme un américain, and it you know, it wasn't all that great. And then one night I was out and actually started drinking a bit, and and I was like, I was like, Oui, je parle français comme un américain, you know, and I like really got theatrical about it. And they were like, they were like, siz! You're like all the French people were like, Oh, you're speaking wonderfully, like your accent's great. And I was like, I was making fun of you guys when I was doing it, like I was doing a caricature of what a Frenchman like sounds like when they speak French, and they're like, Well, that's what we sound like. And and what it was was I I let I had to I had to cut the tether to be to speaking English and being American, and I had to jump in full board into speaking a foreign language, uh essentially into the role that I wanted to be in. When it comes when it comes to the energy as a man and in your invitations and in engaging with women, that's really what it comes down to. As long as we're thinking about it and holding it back and you know, kind of playing it through almost like we speak English, but we're well, we think in English and we operate in English, but we're trying to speak French, you're always gonna have a nasty accent. But when you really are like, well, screw it, I'm just gonna jump in with both feet, and I'm going to become the thing that I really want to see and feel and hear myself being. Ultimately, all the tips and tricks are just training wheels to get you to jump in and be fully present in the moment. And this is the term I use. You're granting permission for you to be Brad Pitt. You know, you're you're granting permission. It's like nobody says every man walking around can't bring the energy that Brad Pitt does.
unknown:Right.
SPEAKER_00:We can, but for some reason, we don't allow ourselves to let that out. We don't, you know, to to to to to sing with that kind of a romantic confidence. For for some reason, most of us just hold it back in.
SPEAKER_01:I'll tell you, whenever you talk, you get me really excited, right? And I'm like, yeah, yeah, I'm gonna go out there and do that. And then it's like, then you know, I don't see or talk to you for six days, right? And then it's like, oh yeah, back to the the same thing. So which and I say that to say, guys, get you know, get involved in his community because it's definitely worth it because not not only just you know skills and and whatnot, motivationally, and like what do you just do what you just described truly. I I hope everybody else listening. I'm sitting here, I'm thinking, I'm going, like, how do I go do some what like I want to get out there? I want to go, I'm gonna go walk, I'm gonna go take a walk and meet some women, right? Like, so so that's awesome. And I and I think I'm just gonna summarize all that, which was which is fantastic and and and very inspirational. Is just be yourself and give yourself permission to just not worry about rules, not worry about all the stuff that you've got in your head. If you want to meet somebody, you're Brad Pitt, like like channel that energy and go out and do it. Yeah, we and it's gonna tip it's gonna take practice though, too.
SPEAKER_00:I mean it it takes practice, it also takes daring to do it. One of the one of the things that nobody really talks about, you know, in general culture, but that every man agrees with when we get real, is that masculine energy has a dangerous edge to it. There is no doubt that a man that is fully activated, it's this weird paradox. When you're fully activated, you are very dangerous on the one hand, but then you have this self-mastery that makes you safe on the other hand. You have to, in order to really embody that, you have to dare to let yourself really let the fire start burning. You have to dare to be passionate. And, you know, 95, 98% of the men, you know, that I work with, that's really the struggle. And they're like, is this really okay? Can I really let this out? And it's like, absolutely you can. You want you want to develop self-mastery and manners and you know, all these other things to to to to bring charm to the table. But that active ingredient of you walking up to the woman and going, My gosh, I would totally kick myself later if I didn't if I didn't come up and talk to you. Are you are you single by any chance? You know, can I, you know, can I take you out for a drink later? You know, and if you're being completely genuine, not game, but but really genuine in that presence, again, to bring it back to the topic, I am energetically available. I'm sorry, every man out there, I mean, I I lead by example. If I need to be energetically available before I point the finger at her and ask my and ask why isn't she energetically available to me? Gentlemen, when you bring the energy to the table, she will respond to that with her energy. And it's not even voluntary, it just happens.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, and that masculine energy you're talking about, then with a feminine woman, that's gonna be very attractive to her, that being out there, taking that risk, uh seeking, looking for what you want and and going after it and approaching and talking to her and pushing it putting yourself out there. But you're also gonna get rejected a ton, too, because there's a million people out there, men and women that just are not in a good place for whatever reason. You just don't take it personal. It has nothing to do with you because somebody that is healthy and if they are they are comfortable having conversations, they're just gonna say, Oh no, I'm not interested, or I'm in, I'm in a relationship, or whatever. And they're gonna be kind about it too. So, so so just don't take things personally, which which I I want to get into the energy thing too that you just brought up, but but I I I also want to point out then if you're doing all of this right like you just like you just described or Brad Pitt, oftentimes you're gonna get you're gonna you are going to elicit a reaction in her that's that is that is that is positive, right? But potentially you're that's gonna change when you walk away, when that when that feel, and then you might get, then you might start getting when getting a like oh some passivity around it, or then not the response that she felt because she was in the moment. And I say this because I've had it happen a lot, and I've got a great example. Like one of my my teenage daughters are dating now, and she just one of my daughters just did like a 180 on a guy, and I'm like, oh man, that's like and then it's like this is the the you know the fickleness around femininity that we also have to know and understand, and it's not like her thing was was not hateful, or you know, it was just caught up in that energy, and then after was like, oh wait, this is really not exactly what, and then changed her mind, and that's gonna happen too. So, talk about talk about that also a little bit because I mean it's just another form of rejection, but like, but that's not a necessarily bad thing because if you've created that energy and created that excitement, you're doing something good, right? This just wasn't landing with the right person, so just know that it's good, but it might be good, and then you might be like, Oh, what the hell? I thought it was really great. She was excited, and then yeah, okay.
SPEAKER_00:So much there's so much there. First of all, not at all surprised that you're raising two young heartbreakers. Like, I'm just not surprised. Good job, dude. Everybody looking to figure out how to be a good dad and raise heartbreakers. Look at dude for for the advice on how to navigate your divorce. He's he's a man and he's he's successfully got two young heartbreakers. Okay, so you said you use the word fickle. I'm gonna change that, and and we also talked about rejection. I'm going to and that's very unpredictable and scary, and it's just kind of like gonna shoot arrows in us from any direction. And that there is there is some truth to that. But I think the thing that is our best, our best uh defense or armor around that is to realize the feminine is cyclical, the masculine is like the sun, it's constant. The feminine is like the moon, it goes through cycles. I mean, women are literally tied to the four-week session of the moon with their menstrual periods, like they are literally tied to it. And that moon takes 28 days to go back to the way it looked before, and they're only fertile and ready to reproduce, you know, for like a few days out of that. And out of those four weeks, you have the the period right, I believe it's right before they ovulate where the estrogen is up, and then they're feeling sexy and all of that. Take the take the other two, two and a half weeks out of that cycle, they're not really in the mood. Gentlemen, if she's not responding to you, it might just be the hormone levels are not opening her up to that at that at that moment. And just realize that women, the feminine is cyclical, and you might just you might not be catching her at the right time in whatever cycle it is, the cycle of her relationships, the cycle of the week, the cycle of her hormones, the cycle of her availability, the cycle of who the heck knows what. Realize we are constant as men, and women, the feminine side is cyclical, and you have to accept that as that cycle goes around, the window is only open some of the time. Not personal, it's just how they're built.
SPEAKER_01:That's exhausting, dude. Like, really, like, I mean, you just don't know.
SPEAKER_00:And if you're trying to, like, it's you're we're in our heads and we're doing so much, and we're trying, and then it's like, okay, but it's exhausting, it's exhausting if you don't accept the reality of it. When you accept the reality of it and you have compassion for the fact that hey, they're not in the mood most of the time, that causes us to chill out. That causes us to take that pressure relief valve, open it up, and go, you know, this isn't me. This is just this is just nature. This is how this is how nature works between men, you know, male and female Homo sapiens. This is just how it works. Chill out, Mr. Male Homo sapien. You know, don't get your panties in a wad because you didn't catch her on the sidewalk on the day that she was ovulating. Like, chill the fuck out, dude. Like for me, for me, and this is what I this is what it this is a this is a long like lesson with the guys, but it's like, guys, the more you can have compassion for what the reality of the woman is, it's not really for her, it's for you. The more compassion you have, the more you will relieve pressure inside of yourself.
SPEAKER_01:That's a great, great point. Let's say that say that again, and then yeah, and then explain that.
SPEAKER_00:Okay, so so when we hear compassion, we're like, men need to have compassion for women. Okay, yes, but also fuck that, that's not really why we need compassion. Men need compassion for what women go through so that we can see the reality of the situation, because seeing that reality opens up our pressure valve, it lets us release expectations that are that are that that are based only on our point of view. When we have compassion for the woman, we are we're we're understanding that oh whoa, this just isn't gonna happen, and it's nothing personal, and we just relax. The pressure goes out, and paradoxically, when that pressure leaves, suddenly the woman is more attracted to us. And the woman feels like we have compassion and we get it, and because we do. And again, suddenly women respond to what's put in front of them. When I'm when I have compassion, I'm like, oh, okay, yeah, it's just not the right time. Yeah, that's fine. Suddenly she's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, hang on, hang on. I've never heard a man say that before. I do want you to have my number. Yes, let's have coffee. I mean, I'm not I wasn't horny a minute ago, but now I am. What did you do? Oh my god, like that that's exactly what happens when Brad Pitt walks up the right way and is like, no, that's fine. She's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, hang on. You're you ri you're different than everybody else. It's it's the guys that that have learned to relieve that, take that pressure off. That's a huge part.
SPEAKER_01:A couple other ways I've heard it described is hanging on loosely, right? Like don't yeah, don't don't have a tight grip on this, or don't be tied to an outcome. But that's so you've got to be able to do that.
SPEAKER_00:See, but it's like yeah, but then guys are like, well, I should act like I don't care, treat her like I'm an asshole, you know, like do all stuff. And it's like, dude, yeah, but you're really just lying to yourself if what you really want in your heart is a genuine connection. This is going all the way through that and and having compassion for the reality that she's in, particularly if she's a single mom. You want to have compassion for the reality, what's really happening. If I'm just like, well, I'm gonna hold this loosely, like for how long? Like, so how long do I wait? How loose do I hold it? Do I just go and have sex with a bunch of other women when this is the one I really want? Like, none of this is really genuine inside of me. You know, this is me trying to do a trick to appear relaxed.
SPEAKER_01:Where yeah, well, I think you. Yeah, yeah, I agree with you. I think that's where at least I do, and I think a lot of the the dads that I talk to get frustrated is because they do have feelings and do want to progress and go deeper into what you know, whatever the next next level or next stage of the relationship is. And they feel that struggle with something like a val as simple, it seems as simple, right, to us. Because for us, it's a scheduling matter and it's logistical and it's very easy to figure out. So the frustration comes in in that, well, it's a it's a for her, like you said, it's cycles or it's a wave of of of of interest or not interest or or whatever it is. And and it's just that we're we're approaching things differently. So I think that's where the that's where I see and feel the the frustration coming in a lot, which is well, let's just talk about it, agree on something, and then just do it.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, okay. So that so that's not what they're gonna do. That that again women respond to the right, the right offer, the right invitation. I would even say the right solution. They respond to the right solution. Okay, but you're talking about the frustration, is my desire's there, I'm ready to go in, and we're frustrated that she's not meeting us. That right there is a dependent mindset. I have a desire and I'm frustrated that she's not meeting it. That's putting a burden on her. The really sexy man is the man that has that desire and says, Boy, am I ready? I am so ready for this. And I hold it inside of myself. There is no pressure on her, there's no expectation, there's no frustration that she's not meeting it. She will, I and when I hold the responsibility of my desires in myself, you know, my horniness, my my emotional readiness, my you know, whatever, my my availability and my schedule, and she's busy, whatever that is, when I hold that and own it in myself, and she has no responsibility to take care of me. Again, see above, you know, girlfriends don't want to be mothers. When I own my desires and it is my responsibility, and I wait until she begins to have a desire to take care of my desires, which is what we all want as a man, is for that woman to want to take care of your desires. That's that's that's the place to be. Yeah. When I when I look at it that way, that woman is like, hot damn, like you're smoldering over there in desire for me, and yet you're putting none of it on me. And they're like, that's discipline. That is hot. That is that is a sexy masculinity right there. Most men don't do that. Most men get frustrated that the woman isn't taking care of their desires and their needs.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. If I think that's a good transition into the to the effort part, uh or the or the effort deficit, right? Because you're you're talking about that, holding that, and then seeing what the reaction is. And so so I've got I've got a couple, so I've got a couple of basic two reasons why I feel that there might be there are effort deficits that happen. So I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna put those out there, and then I want to see what your what your what your thoughts are on them. And actually, one one of them is I already know your thoughts because you've already talked you talked about it in one of the past episodes, is the the first one is the illusion of infinite options, right? Because the dating apps have created this marketplace where it's basically a currency and and and and women can just like get all this validation online and they don't have to go out and actually get ready and look nice and go out with you and have a conversation, like they just go and get a million likes or hits or conversations or whatever, right? So that's one of them. And then second, effort deficit is is is because the the risk is on the on guys, uh upfront, at least in the beginning, right? And then then if we're not if you know, if we're if we're not taking that, then it's not there's no effort that's yes the effort is not being matched, right? And then so it's just it becomes a race to the bottom, really, is is what happens because then it's like I'm no effort, you're no effort, like no effort, and then you just both sit at home. So so so those are my two main reasons. I'm sure there's other ones, but what are your thoughts about that?
SPEAKER_00:Okay, so you're right. When it's like I don't put in effort, she doesn't put in effort, it is a race to the bottom, it's a spiral downwards when nobody's put anything out there. And what I what I try to live by, and again, underline the word try, nobody's perfect at this, but what I try to live by is lead by example. If I want her energy available, I need to make sure that I'm not asking for energy, I am offering my energy. Um that that that is it. Oh, the other one was the yeah, the the illusion of you know availability and lots of options. Yeah. Men, you need to remember it's the illusion, it's it's limitless bad options, is what she has. The quality of the message, I believe for every one message that a man gets on a dating app, the average woman receives 18 to 20 messages, right? And most of them say, hey, or what do you do in this? You're you're sexy, or I mean, just extremely low quality. When you so just remember that that there's this illusion of you know, abundance, but it's it's crap. It's abundance of crap. When you show up with a high level of authenticity, when you have a you know, when you have these high-energy, sexy qualities about you, and your invitations are also higher quality just because they have more creativity, they have more spontaneity in the moment, you will stand out in high, high contrast to the low quality messages. Are there women that are jaded? Absolutely. Or, you know, and that's part of the problem with the online dating apps.
unknown:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Get off the apps and start doing it in person. It is so easy to be dismissed on a dating app. Same goes, by the way, for singles events or not singles events, or what are they called? Speed dating events, where you're going around the table, it is and people sign, you know, circle names on a page and hand them in at the end. Very, very easy for women to say no in those events, to quote unquote swipe left on you. When you go to a live singles event and you just have to ask a woman out, or you're just out in the field talking to women live, those are very different environments. It's much harder for a woman to swipe left when you're bringing your full energy package right there to her doorstep in front of her. So again, you're like, oh, well, why aren't the women being more responsive over dating apps? I would say, why are you being a little wimp and only asking women out through the dating apps? Again, the energy level that you're putting out there is what they're going to respond to. Women are responsive creatures. I'm not sure I've shared this yet on the podcast, but you know, when people ask me what I do, I tell them that I help men give women the experience that women want so that men can get the response they want from women. When we give women the proper experience, they respond the way that we want. And that, and as a man, every man wants to know that women respond to you. You you go up, you you ask them out, you know, you tell them you want to go back home with them. It's the response from them that we want to see. That's the thing that that's amazing. Even even a woman approaching you in public, that's still a response to the presence that you're putting out there. Gentlemen, if you want certain responses from women, ask yourself what is the experience that you're giving her. And if the experience is minimal because you're just sending messages on an app, dude, what do you expect?
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, so so in order to get effort, you're gonna have to give effort. And if your effort fewer words, yeah, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, well, that's what I'm here to do is you're to give you to give all of the pearls, and I'm just summarizing them, right? And and and trying to and trying to understand them too myself, right? And so if your if the extent of your effort is I start a profile and I send a thousand messages to get one date, which is about the de the amount of what you need to do, you might think that that's like a massive amount of effort. And and it and it is a massive amount of effort and to the extent that you're like a keyboard warrior. But when it's really big, if you if you're really wanting to go cultivate a relationship and have a healthy, functioning, good, deep, rich, romantic, sexy relationship with somebody, it's going to take more and different effort than just doing that, sending messages and trying to get a date, because that's just not gonna work. And I want to I I want to point that out.
SPEAKER_00:Let me let me let me just jump in and summarize what you just said. Yeah, it's a it's a ton of work, but it's busy work that's sending a thousand messages to get one date. It's busy work, it's not courageous work, it's not bold work, it's not sexy work. Yeah, please continue. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Well, which is what attracts a woman, right? So if you're if you're going to choose an effort, guys, uh an effort of spending a uh an hour, let's say, and hopefully you're not spending like a you know, a time it it depends on your schedule in your guy, right? But if you're gonna spend an hour doing something, sending a thousand, you know, a thousand messages on a dating app, or maybe going out and doing something that you enjoy with co-head co co-ed situation where there's women around, or even just going out to the grocery store and talking to a woman, or just going out and being aware and approaching somebody, an hour spent that way, the the the latter, which is like relating to somebody and trying to talk with them and do that, is going to be harder, much more effort, much more risk, which we talk about. The risk is and the risk is on all us guys. So just right now, right here, it you're risk averse, you're gonna have to get over. And and unfortunately, that's just the way that it is designed. That's the sexual marketplace. That's how God's designed the whole system. So we take the risk, especially up front, right away. So if you're risk averse, then get the therapy, talk with Dallas, whatever you need to do, but you've you've got to get over that. But that but that one hour doing that and approaching and talking and relating is going to be way, way more effective and fruitful than doing the apps.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. Let me let me echo back when it comes to the risk element. Yes, men, we're the lead. So that means we have to go first in a lot of ways, or I should say, I find it most effective when we go first. That's what it means to be the lead. I do, however, feel that the risk is just part of the dance. We take a risk. She takes she takes a risk when she says yes, and she's gonna be alone, she's gonna be at a table. This is this is one of the pieces coming back to compassion. Most men do not understand how much more vulnerable women are innately in the world than men are. Physically, sexually, emotionally, psychologically, they are they are more sensitive creatures, and they are as a result of that more vulnerable. That means that they are more, they're going to experience higher levels of risk. Realize, though, that when she says yes and agrees to meet you, when she says yes, here's my phone number, when she says yes to anything, realize she is taking a risk on her end, and that's there's a dance back and forth. It doesn't have to be she's committed to me or we've had sex. Those aren't the only levels of risk. Every step of this going forward, even her saying, okay, I'm gonna see him again, and now maybe he's now he's expecting something. On her end, in her mind, that's a risk. We have to we have to understand and appreciate this. We and and again, the more we have the appreciation for where she's coming from, saying, wow, every time she says yes to one of my invitations, she's taking a step towards me. That's risky behavior on her end because she doesn't know what I've got, she doesn't know how honest I'm being, she doesn't know how messed up my financial situation is. Like she doesn't know any of those things. And the more we can appreciate that and have compassion, that again, it it lets the pressure out. The pressure relief valve gets opened. We relax, we naturally have more patience in the process of it, and then paradoxically, she starts speeding up to get there even sooner.
SPEAKER_01:Right. And hopefully, then what happens is that then that effort level starts getting matched. So she's show she's showing up, yes, and the on the date, and then more and then more, and then in the relationship, it becomes see, dude.
SPEAKER_00:I don't I don't even see it as effort on her part, it's a response. I make the effort, and when I do it right, she just says, Yes, yes, please, yes, thank you. Oh my gosh, I love this. Yes, yes, yes. It's not effort. She should if she's feeling effort, you're doing something wrong. You don't want her to feel like she's making effort and meeting you in work part of the way. As as dudes, like when we do a job well and we put in work and effort, we're we're fucking proud of ourselves. Like, you know, it's like I got an awesome evening planned and we're doing this and everything. We we respond well to that, and that's a gift that we offer to the woman. Her her effort is her simply responding and saying, Yes, oh my god, thank you, thank you. Let me give you a kiss. This is amazing. Like, I'm so happy to be here with you, and I'm wrapped around your arm now.
SPEAKER_01:So that's a big reframe in in in in because that's that's not that's just not kind of how the world the world is is is uh is focused in our mind, right? It's not listening or responding, it is like effort, and we see this everywhere in in our in our in our lives, whether it's our work life or our family life, like effort is what what is measured primarily in how we're operating. So this is a that what you're describing is a reframe in our minds that we really need to make in this romantic and in I I I ascribe it to the fact that we're not speaking the same languages, right? So we're not energetically wired the same way to respond. So what I'm thinking is effort, it was a it is really a response for her. And so if you look at it, and I'm trying to summarize what you're saying, if you look at from the context of of how men show up and our and the masculine nature is, which is those those prompts and moving forward, and that the world around, based upon your energy and how you're moving the world, the world around you is going to respond to that, including women. That that come that completely changes kind of their your mindset of how you're approaching this. And I think that's a really important one for guys, because this is so this is something that I also want to point out, guys, it's something that's taught. That's not something that you just innately understand and you just you just show up and know. So this is something that that you're taught that you need to learn and to understand. And like, and it's and I'll be frank, it's it's a struggle for for for me too to try to reframe that and think of that, think of things in in that way. And we talk about this in the in the divorced dads community within our families and how our our children show up, depending upon the the energy that we put out there every day with our with our kids and and stuff like that. But it's the same also in your romantic relationships, also. So that's a really, really important reframe. I think if there's anything that anybody can take from today, that's a the biggest one.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, yeah. And you know, in that in that reframe, the original frame that we're given from society is we're all equal, and we are all equal in value, but we're not all equal in what's effective inside of us and what's effective on us. And that's the part where if you want to have a masculine-feminine polarity, if you want to have men really feeling hot as men and women feeling really turned on as women, we we do have to reframe it. And gentlemen, you know, like like you were saying, Jude, we have to be the ones to put the risk in first. We are the ones that have to pay a little bit up front. We do that in the form of effort, and we do that in the form of doing, but but and here's an important, here's another very important thing. We're not doing it for if we're not doing it for the response from the woman. We're not even doing it for the response of the people around us. We're doing it because it makes us feel the way that we want to feel. I'm dating this way because it turns me on the most. Dallas feels the sexiest version of Dallas when he leads this way. I'm not just doing it because it'll it'll get better responses from women. That's just a really, really nice byproduct of doing it. I'm doing it so that I show up at the table the most activated version of myself that I can. And and that's that's the real inner work that has to be done.
SPEAKER_01:And that's why it's important for you to be on mission in your life and have your values, have your beliefs in in alignment with what it is that that you're doing and what you want. And that's when that's when everything in your life is gonna come into your life in that same alignment. So until that happens, you know, and and and it and it can't be, uh it can't be, and I've struggled with this, that that your mission is the the relationship and looking for the relationship, right? Like you've got to be on mission in life about something other now. That doesn't mean that it can't be your family and and and how you show up if it's your family and providing for your family. Yeah, that's definitely good, but it can't be like focusing out and looking and just one-tracked mind on that on that relationship, because that means you've got all this void in the rest of your life, and she's looking at well, uh is the only focus in the your whole world me, and that is very unattractive. Yes, if if that is if is as much as that's counterintuitive, guys, that is very unattractive. If you have no mission in life, if you have no aim, you're not aiming up or aiming or on track for doing something, and whatever it is, like it doesn't matter. We talked last week or a couple weeks, it's you know, Prince is was sexy as hell, right? He got all kinds of chicks, and he's on mission with his music. Yeah, uh Tom Brady, a different. He was on mission, you know, and he's the more, I guess, traditional masculine guy that you talk, but you but that those are two very different missions, but they were both very sexy men who really got it, just you know, attract a ton of women.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. When you're when a woman becomes your mission, when a woman becomes your sole focus of attention and energy, that it that that one can burden her very much because now she feels like she's responsible for you. The other side to it is it can also be very scary for them because when we really do activate the full side of our masculine energy, that is way too much intensity to put on any one person. The world needs to be the recipient of that level of intensity.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Okay, I need to jump back to a point. I don't know, because I I don't have the clock in front of me. I don't know how far we are in our episode, but I know it always goes fast. There was something really important though that you mentioned earlier that we that we didn't get to, and I we have to get back to it. Okay, you mentioned the scenario where you show up, you know, like Brad Pitt, you know, and you've and you're you're in the moment and everything, and you get the response, but then she changes her mind later. Okay, and I just want to I just want to echo this. Your job isn't that it's one and done. Women, one of the shit tests that women are constantly putting out there is how consistent is this man? If I'm only charismatic, if I'm only exotic, if I'm only offering this level of energy in my first approach or in my first couple few dates, she expects that because that's what most guys do. If, however, my follow-up with her is the same openness, the same presence, I'm actually confirming for her that this wasn't a fluke, that this wasn't just I you happen to catch me on a good day. Like Dallas is a bunch of good days. Dallas does live in this energy. And concrete example, you know, you know, you get her number, you know, it's a certain way. When you follow up with the text message, are you going back to standard, basic, boring patterns of, you know, hey, it was great meeting you the other day, you know, so are you free, you know, later this afternoon to see, you know, and you're you're blending in with the pavement like every other man. Or when you follow up and you're like, oh my gosh, never mind the juice bar. I found this other place. This is this is the place we need to try. You know, and I'm right back into that present moment in the text message with her, you know, that night or three days later or whatever. It's up to you to show her consistently that you are something exotic in your own energy and in the invitations that you extend. I just I wanted to answer that because we all feel that. It's like, oh, she was flipped on for a minute and now she flipped off. Dude, she's just responding to the fact that your energy is no longer present. Bring that presence of energy around, and over time, then you can decide whether or not she's into you. But until you provide that presence and that energy, you don't really know how into you she is.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, and and and I do want to point out you so you make it sound so easy, like it's just gonna happen, and then she's gonna respond because we're so on it all the time, leading with the energy and exoticism and everything else. But just know, guys, sometimes it's just not gonna happen, right? And yes, and you're not gonna get a response, and you'll be doing everything right, and and the response isn't there, and that's okay too. That's just an answer for you to know that it's time to to move on to to something else, and that's that's that's okay.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, it's you're right. It it's not simple. Sorry, it's not easy. It's what do they like to say? It it's very simple, but not that easy to do. Um yeah, uh, that's very true. Yes.
SPEAKER_01:So I just I I well, and and so let's talk a little bit about that because so you could be like I said, and or like you said, leading the right energy, putting out invitations, there is some response, maybe for a while, and then maybe it stops, or maybe there's a lull and you're not quite on top of your game, which which happens, right? We've got lives and we're not it's hard, it's hard to it's hard to lead your life, period, in every aspect. And and no kidding, right? As a as a as a guy, you're expected to be leading in leading in life and leading your family, leading in your work or your business, leading with your relationship. And so there's times though, where it's just you're not doing a great job of it, or your energy is low. And so if that does happen, and then you get back on, and then when so at one what point when you're not getting the the response that that you feel like you should be getting, do you do you start to what do you do? What do you do first to address it and then and then when do you know that okay, this is just not not not gonna happen?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. So I'm I mean, again, I'm gonna keep this really simple. I extend invitations and I look at how they respond to my invitations. Does she say yes? Yes, please, yes, thank you, yes, yes, yes. Those are obviously green lights, you know, those are green flags that that those are open doors and those are encouraging me to go forward. If I don't get yeses, I look at my invitations. I look at how appealing I'm making things and I'm honest with myself. And if I really am bringing it the way that I am and she's not saying yes, that's that tells me everything I need to know. The woman isn't saying yes. Who do I want to be dating? I want to date, I want to be dating a woman that when I invite her out, she says, hell yes, Dallas. I love what you're putting out there. I these other women are crazy. Why are you still single? That that's what I want to be dating. And and if I'm honest with myself and I'm looking at the quality of my messages, and I'm not pointing the finger saying, well, why aren't these women making more of an effort? Why aren't these women more available? And here I think over this episode we've kind of talked about how we can reframe that mindset. And and I'm looking at it and I'm and I'm actually like, no, I'm putting out there the invitations to an experience that I want to have, both on my own and with a woman. I just ask myself, is she saying yes or not? And if it's somewhere in the middle, you know, like so when we talk about availability, we could be talking about somebody that's maybe manipulative or you know, emotionally unavailable, you know, attachment avoidant, somebody that's a little bit narcissistic, somebody that's, you know, maybe very young and self-absorbed because they've been watching social media their whole life and think it's all about their own entertainment. You know, any of these elements, you look at it and you you just ask yourself, okay, I want a woman that responds to me, to what I'm bringing to the table. I don't like the response I'm getting from this woman. This isn't about her interest. This is about me saying, I don't like her response. Her response is not fuck yes enough for me to want to keep dating her. For me to let me put it another way, it's not fuck yes enough for it to be worth my continuing effort to give her invitations. Yeah, what does she do with my invitations? That's all I need to know to know if I want to keep inviting her. It's it's really that simple.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, that is simple. Just replacing that whole word effort with response, I think is is an another key to to to at least in in my mind, that's that's clicking, getting rid of effort, but like what is the what is the response? What what happens when I'm out there giving and doing like I enjoy doing and and and giving, and what is that, what is that response? Do I like it? Do I not like it? Then have I communicated about about it with her, yep, and and and and what her response is, how I feel about that, and what she's thinking. Because oftentimes there's a disconnect.
SPEAKER_00:Okay, but I don't talk to women about their response. Because the minute I talk to them about the response, the response is going from an instinctive, lived, natural phenomenon to one that's now intellectualized and up in their head. We never want to take women up into their head, ever, ever, ever. That is not the place to be. Women don't want to be in their head, they want to be out of their head. So for me, it's all about dropping into the moment and me asking myself, how can I be more effective in bringing her, inviting her into the moment that I'm experiencing? I'm not going to discuss with a woman what her response is. If she Well, let's use the example of availability.
SPEAKER_01:Maybe all of a sudden availability has has waned. Yeah. Yeah. Then how do you have that? How do you have that conversation? How do you have that conversation about availability? It was one way, it was great, the invites were there, the responses were yes, and then it it's it's it's it's waned. You still are invested in the relationship, and you would like you would like to be successful, but it doesn't seem to be happening.
SPEAKER_00:Dude, dude, the last two months of sleeping with you has been so amazing. I mean, it has been it has been so wonderful. I love the connections, and you know, and I miss that. You know, I'm only seeing you like once every two or three weeks at this point, and and I'm like, I'm like, I'm I I I want more. I I you know I I I love what we had. I I don't want to I don't want to put anything on you, but what shifted? Did did something change on your end? Because I I love what we were experiencing. Is is there something I need to know? You know, did did something shift, or is this are you just a little busy right now and we'll be getting back to that? But the but my important message for you though is how much I enjoy the experience with you. Do you see how and and I I'm owning it 100%. And I'm inviting you to return back to it with me. Again, I'm I'm it's it's an invitation. I'm positively embracing the experience that I want to have with you. And even if that experience we had before and is now is lost, one of the best ways to bring it back is not to point the finger and go, what are you doing wrong? Why, you know, what's missing? The best way is to go right back to that place and go, baby, I miss that. I loved the way that we were in our first five years of marriage. And now it's year seven, and it's like we're two strangers sleeping next to each other in bed. When when you're saying, I don't want to lose this, you know, I I I want that marriage again. You know, and and here, I mean, because this extends into relationships and marriage, and you're inviting her to return back to those first five years that were amazing. And you and you tell them she hopefully she says something to the effect of, well, I miss it too. I miss it too. But fuck, we've got a we've got a one and a half year old now, and life has changed. And you're like, okay, that's fair. What can we do? What can we do to have the element that that we missed so that we still have that spark? Because I it's killing me being a stranger next to you in bed. And and again, this is me having a picture, attaching to the experience that I want to have, and inviting anyone from a woman, you know, that I just started dating to to a woman I've been married to. It's the same process. You're always inviting her in, and then you're seeing how does she respond to your invitation.
SPEAKER_01:Dels, I got a million dollar million dollar multi-maybe a billion dollar idea for you. Can you create an AI translator for what the guys want to get across and then and then communicating it with experience and feeling like you just described? Because I don't speak that language. I know probably 90 plus percent of the guys listening are like, holy shit, now I gotta learn. Like what you're saying to me basically is like you asked it earlier if I've ever learned a language. I in my daughters, they know different languages. I'm like, I don't have time to learn a language. Like it's like you're you're I you're wanting me to learn a language to like communicate. If you could just create an AI translator and I just put it in, like, want more time with girl, and then it would come out with what you just beautifully said. I love making love to you, and I want to do it often and frequently in in exotic locations. And how do we get like if you could do that, that would be freaking amazing. And then we could do the whole thing like hits where you know we just put the translator in our ears and we'll be taught it, it'll be we'll be thinking it eventually we can hardwire it to our brains and we'll be thinking it.
SPEAKER_00:Oh please create it, we're gonna bring it full full circle. I don't remember if this was Baroque or Enlightenment, but bring it full full circle back to the French literate literature, Sierra de Bergerac. You know, he's off in the tree whispering the words, you know, to the guy to say to the woman up in the balcony, you know, it's like the first version of this, you know, was him. Well, the problem is when when you know, when the the handsome guy that doesn't have the right words, when he finally gets into bed, what is he gonna keep using AI to like keep feeding him the lines? Like we don't have the babble fish from the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy implanted into our ear yet. Maybe that'll come one day. That's a scary thought. But yeah, but the but the thing is, and and that this is the important part. Uh, first of all, thank you. I really appreciate that. And I'm glad my you know the language and and I it but it does, I think, speak to you, doesn't it? Doesn't it? Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Well, but what I well but yeah, it speaks to me and it makes absolute perfect sense, perfect sense, because I I just keep thinking about all of my experiences and the ones that I was good at doing that, and the ones where I was bad, but then I think like good God, I like how am I gonna figure this out?
SPEAKER_00:So here's the thing. Okay, that it's it's it again, it's not it's not complicated, it's not easy, but it's not complicated, it's simple. Sure. All I'm saying is what I really want to say. I'm not saying what I think I should say, I'm not saying a polite version of it, I'm not saying an agreement version of it. I'm not saying a you know, a a smooth interface version of it. I'm speaking from the heart with what I really want to say. What I want to say is, god damn it, the last three months were the hottest sex I've ever had in my life. Why are we suddenly go cold turkey here? Like, what's going on? You know, did I miss something? You know, did you not enjoy it? Is there another man? You know, I mean, what whatever it is, and you know, and and I'm being very open, and because that's the truth. The truth is inside of me. It's like, I would rather find out that you actually are married and that this was just like an amazing but very naughty dream that I woke up from, you know, and I'm like, just tell me the truth, please. But but but I have to speak that from the heart. I can't have some negotiating version of it that's like kind of authentic, but also kind of like, well, you know, so it used to be really good, you know, and now it's like the sex isn't as hot as it was. Like that doesn't say that doesn't convey any of the feeling. When I am like I would give anything to get back to our marriage in the first five years. And when I say I would give anything, I mean I will give anything. Now please tell me what I need to give for us to get back there. I mean, that will stop a lot of divorces from happening like in their tracks if a man simply puts and all I'm doing is saying what most men feel in their heart when they're in that position. That's all I'm doing. This isn't some fancy words, I'm just getting very real.
SPEAKER_02:Right.
SPEAKER_00:And if you need help tapping into this, because we all do, because society does not teach men to speak from the heart this way. It doesn't. It teaches us that being emotionally vulnerable this way is weak. Dude, it is not weak. It is strong as it gets, it is as bold as it gets. It is leadership at its finest when I'm opening my heart and speaking from my heart. And if you need practice, shameless plug, go to blackboxdating.com. Absolutely. Sign up for the for the men's coaching program. This is what we do. Like it's you know, the podcast, you know, we we record this every Wednesday. Wednesday my office hours.
SPEAKER_01:Like, this is what we have. What is men's office hours? Like, okay, so it's it's sign off and what happens?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, so so it is every week, Wednesday, it's a Zoom call. So it's you know, it's online, it's virtual. You can join from anywhere in the world. And I come with a provocative question that pretty much every man can relate to. Like, what have you felt unappreciated as a man? You know, and and it's great because it warms up the group and we share with each other, you know, oh my god, you felt that. Oh, I've oh, I forgot about that one, you know. And then I share what have, and and that alone has a lot of healing. And again, it's like the pressure valve that like lets that off, and the frustration gets let out. Because I don't I don't allow just bashing women, like that's not productive at all. But we do need to vent out the frustrations that we have. That's part of it. And then that transitions into a motivational talk that I give, and it's around a topic that the question was based on. And basically I dive in, and pretty much none of the time, in none of these talks, do you know where I'm going? It's pretty much always three points, but I take it a step deeper, a step deeper, a step deeper. Usually elements of compassion are built into it, and elements of responsibility. And and a lot of times, it they're all about reframing it so that you can take individual, autonomous, free agent power in yourself as a man. And then I end the little talk with a um your weekly growth challenge, which is something for you to do in a concrete way for the next seven days so that you can practice this, integrate it, and start to change and shift your behavior so that you can change and shift your experience and change and shift the response of women towards you, whether you're out there dating or whether you've been married for 30 years and you're looking for a hotter response from your wife. And then after that, we have about just about 45 minutes left, and it is, you know, free range. Guys are like, hey, Dallas, I need a I need a cool date idea. You know, we've like done this, and you know, and and we'll we'll go into it. Sometimes guys literally send screenshots to me of text messages that they have on the dating apps, and like, what do I say to like you know, ask her out? And I'm like, just ask her out, dude. Like, here you go. So, you know, and sometimes it'll be uh anything really that guys are going through. Sometimes it's just a pep talk, like, oh my gosh, tomorrow I have this really hot date and I'm so nervous. You know, and the cool thing about those is it's not just me, like all these other men there in the group have your back. And like it's like you're going into this date with brothers behind you, like you know, saying, dude, absolutely, and they care about you finding the hot section and connection and confidence that you want in life.
SPEAKER_01:Well, and it you it's young like it used to be when we were in high school or college and we had buddies and we were excited and we talked to them about it, but we get older, families divorce, get isolated, and we don't have that. So that that camaraderie and brotherhood and togetherness is a really important thing, which we've talked about in the past. You need to have that with guys and a group of male friends around you as well. And I wanted to add also that this week on Thursday, October 23rd, Dallas is going to be doing a live QA at 4 p.m. Mountain time for the divorced advocates community. So if you go to thedivorced advocate.com, check out the events calendar tab, you can get the zoom link to that. Come on, we're just gonna have an open conversation like we're we're having now, talking about whatever your questions are about about dating. And we're gonna be doing that once a month, also. Dallas has been gracious enough to give us a free hour of his time. So if you guys want to, if you're not already convinced, which like every every time I I leave talking with you, I want to run out and go ask women out and figure, you know, figure my my dating life out, you know, get get in touch with him because he he definitely definitely and I've been dating for a long time, don't know what the hell I'm doing. I wish I had Dallas years and years. I wish I had Dallas as a teen boy. Like I wish I could go back, and then obviously you would still be a teen boy too, but like Dallas now when I was a teen boy, and and then had your advice so that I could go forward and and have uh a better and and healthier uh relationship. So Dallas, anything else you want to add? We went way over today, which is I'm I'm actually getting worse at my hosting job, which is to limit this. And so I don't know. Yeah, I'm gonna have to figure this out.
SPEAKER_00:But anyway, yeah, we either we either open it up or we don't. And like when we open it, we have to go there. Um and since we've gone there, yeah. The one thing that hasn't been mentioned is if you have not liked and subscribed and followed the podcast, please do it right now. This is absolutely essential for us to grow the audience. Please, if you have not signed up for Jude's Dad's Dating After Divorce, it be on his mailing list so that you can come to the uh free QA that we're doing once a month. That's your that's your ticket, man. That's how you get in. That's how we can talk to it. I'm super excited to be speaking with your uh your audience and and to be connecting with them. And I guess the last thing is how do people get on your mailing list? How do people follow you, Jude?
SPEAKER_01:Yep. Visit the divorced, the divorced, and there's two D's there at the end of Divorced and Dadvocate, the divorced advocate.com. There are resources there, not just dating, but wherever you're at in your divorce, thinking about it, contemplating in the middle of it, or post-divorce and and dating for for everybody. So check out the resources, but go to the events page, sign up for Thursday night, 4 p.m. mountain time to uh chat with Dallas and I. Dallas, always a pleasure chatting. So much fun. Have an awesome week. So much fun, Jude. Talk to you next week. Bye.
Podcasts we love
Check out these other fine podcasts recommended by us, not an algorithm.
