Dads Dating After Divorce
Dating after divorce isn’t what it used to be—especially when you’re a dad. The rules have changed, the world has changed, and now you’ve got kids in the mix. Join Dallas and Jude as they share real-world strategies and insights from their work with dads and men at BlackBoxDating.com and TheDivorcedDadvocate.com.
Dads Dating After Divorce
23 - Secrets to Cold Approach: How to Leverage Scarcity and Get Her Number
Swiping promises abundance; real life delivers clarity. We’re talking about how divorced dads can ditch the dependency on apps and create warm, natural conversations anywhere—grocery lines, coffee shops, hardware stores—that actually lead to dates. The secret isn’t a magic line. It’s state, presence, and a clear invitation delivered with respect.
We start by breaking down why in-person beats online: you and she both get a true read on energy, voice, humor, and ease within seconds. Then we flip the frame from “cold approach” to “warm approach.” Instead of trying to get a number, you create comfort, assume light familiarity, and offer an invitation that feels safe and specific—“Coffee Saturday?” lands better than “Can I get your number?” We also dig into timing and context: when to approach, how to acknowledge a friend group, and why “respect + playfulness + clarity” is the winning combo.
The engine behind it all is state. Scripts fall apart if your body is tense and your mind is chasing outcomes. We share a simple “winner” frame you can step into on demand, so your voice slows, your smile relaxes, and your presence does the heavy lifting. Add one weekly practice—one compliment, zero expectations—to build warmth on contact and rewire your identity as a man who takes his shot. Along the way, we touch on modeling confident behavior for your kids, setting boundaries to lower stress, and building momentum without forcing results.
If you’re ready to turn chance moments into real connections, this is your playbook: warmth first, invitation second, outcomes as a byproduct. Subscribe, share with a dad who needs it, and tell us: where will you take your next shot?
Hello, and welcome to Dads Dating After Divorce, the only podcast helping us dads dating after divorce and traversing the wild and interesting world of dating after divorce. My name is Jude Sandval. I am the founder of The Divorce Dadvocate and your co-host. My co-host is Dallas Bluth, founder of Black Box Dating and Dallas. Good to see you again. Good to see you too, Jude. Wonderful to be back for another session together. Absolutely. And I just got to preface this. We were mentioning we we actually haven't talked in a couple of weeks. So you you kind of had some stuff going on. We pre-recorded some of these uh episodes and uh and and launched those. And and then I was gone. I was hunting, and then I've been back, and and as soon as I got back, I got sick. So I just want to let everybody know I sound like I don't know what I sound like. I sound I just don't sound great. So bear bear with us. Hopefully, Dallas will do most of the talking today. And and and and I'll limit it. I've got my my throat spray, my lozenges, my my tea, my everything lined up. I might be muting myself on and off, which y'all won't be able to see, but but hopefully it won't throw Dallas off uh too much. He'll I'm sure he'll still, as always, be on his game. But we're gonna fight, we're gonna fight through it uh today, and we're gonna talk about some we're gonna talk about something that I think I think is kind of exciting, kind of interesting, and that's cold approaches. Right? So man, like you I think a lot of people get worked up and and excited and kind of and and you would have more insight into this, but get kind of concerned about doing cold approaches. And and and the reason so and and I don't know exactly why, and and maybe that doesn't resonate with guys our age quite as much because once upon a time it wasn't there wasn't like we didn't even know it was called code approach cold approach. This was just this was just how you met women. Yep. Is you went and talked to them in person, face to face. There wasn't texting, there wasn't Instagram, there wasn't, you know, there wasn't online, there wasn't any of this. It wasn't even called cold approach. It's like you want a date, you go talk to a woman. That's that's it. And and and and I'll give you the background, Dallas, and of why this why this came up and why I thought it was interesting. Are you do you know who Bill Ackman is, the the the billionaire um founder of Pershing uh Pershing Square Capital Management? He's a hedge fund guy. Okay, so he's an you know, he's an amicable, seemingly nice guy, and I've heard him talk, and and I think he's always got pretty you know pretty pretty good uh heart about things. And he posted something this week on on X, and I and I'll read it to you. And it's and it and he says, I hear from many young men that they find it difficult to meet young women in a public setting. In other words, the online culture has destroyed the ability to spontaneously meet strangers. As such, I thought I would share a few words that I used in my youth to meet someone that I found compelling. I would ask, quote, may I meet you, end quote, before engaging further in a conversation. I almost never got a no. It inevitably enabled the opportunity for a further conversation. I met a lot of really interesting people this way. I think the combination of proper grammar and politeness was the key to its effectiveness. You might give it a try, and yes, I think it should also work for women-seeking men as well as same-sex interactions. Just two cents from an older, happily married guy concerned about our next generation's happiness and population replacement rates. So, you know, I I the it's good natured, right? May I meet you? I don't know. We could talk about the effectiveness of that. He's kind of gotten roasted and it's become a meme now around all this this stuff because it's it's such a yeah, may I meet you? He talks about being proper grammar, being respectful. And so, you know, people have kind of made fun of him about that. I I I feel like this very this is very well intentioned and good advice. And so give me a first your take on that, and then maybe we'll let's dive more into well, let's we'll start with may I meet you? Is that a good idea? And then let's get into maybe some technique for for the dads listening on on how we do that. As usual, I've got my notes and kind of like how we start down this, but give me your give me your first impression of of Bill's advice.
SPEAKER_02:So my first impression of it is yes, it does sound formal and it sounds a little dated. It totally does. Sometimes when I'm talking with guys in their 20s, I am literally taking notes on words I have to look up. It's almost like a different language sometimes. I it really is. And it's not just like short abbreviations, it it really is almost a completely different language. So I I can see how somebody saying, May I meet you, can sound incredibly foreign dated, almost from the 1800s. I I I get I get where that's coming from. But let me just point out, I love the way that he wrote this message that he posted online. It was incredibly supportive, it was incredibly loving. He called out that, like, I'm an older guy, I'm married, been there, but I just want the younger generation to feel good about this thing that I felt good about and that my generation felt more comfortable with. He was offering it in a sharing place. The fact that everybody has to turn around and turn into a meme and roast him is just it's petty. You know, the guy's coming from a good place, and we get so little of that. I think it's horrible that we tear it down when it happens. Anyways, tiny little soapbox moment right there.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. And I don't think, you know, I Bill's a bit a big guy, right? He's a billionaire. He's been uh happily married, raised a family, he's been remarried also. So I'm I'm sure that he's not so concerned about getting roasted, you know. He's in he's in board, he's in boardrooms and and and doing activist investing and stuff. So he's he's he's a big boy. But I I agree with you. I I really appreciate the the context and way that in in in the way that he came across in doing this, wasn't condescending, wasn't talking down to the to the other generations, etc. Just providing some feedback of what was successful from him. And I think that's a good point, too, is we get into our conversations here all the time, right? About how to do this and that. And and really it's gonna come down to what you're comfortable with yourself. It might be may I meet you, and that might fit your excuse me, your personality perfectly too, and probably fits his personality, and that's what you want to come across. So so just know that even though we're gonna talk about stuff coming up here and kind of skills and stuff like that, find your own rhythm and figure out your own way to to do this and make this feel comfortable. But but the key thing, and and I think what we're gonna get into here is that what he's talking about in in talking about and approaching people is is being relational. Right? We're looking for a relationship in approaching a woman, and approaching somebody and talk to them is being relational, right? You can't do this via online messaging or Instagram messages or text messages, none of those are relationship building skills or tools, and and so that's what I appreciate about that. And so maybe we can start with like why why you know why we we need to bother with doing this as a as a cold approach? Why do we need to start with this? And when we start with this, are we working, are we working backwards from our goal? Do we do we want to start with like are we trying to get a number? Are we trying to get a date? Or are we just really trying to start with being relational?
SPEAKER_02:Right. So, okay, when it comes to cold approach, which is approaching somebody in public that you don't know. It's not nobody's introducing you. This is essentially a stranger. Even if you're sitting next to them at the bar, they're still a stranger, and that's a cold approach. Okay, the reason for doing this is pretty simple. It's way more effective than online. Um online, it is very, very easy for women to swipe left. In person, if you approach a woman and speak to her, it is way harder for her to just swipe left on you. I mean, that she has to completely shut you down. And if you're coming up and you're being respectful, you know, may I meet you? If you're being if you're presenting yourself well, if if you're if you're dressed well, if if you're bringing, particularly if you're bringing confidence and charisma to the table, you are presenting a package that is very, very difficult to deliver in an online format. It's very hard to get that vibe quickly when somebody is just swiping left, watching their next streaming show, you know, checking their email from work and like, you know, and their dogs like jumping all over them or something. When you cold approach someone in person, you're going to get way more of their undivided attention. And you're going to get way more of a shot because you have more of their undivided attention. They're also going to be able to get a real vibe. What is your presence? They're going to get a sense of what is your attractiveness, not how photogenic you are, not did I pay some photographer to take some pictures, not did I happen to be wearing the outfit or in the place that catches your eye. When you meet someone in person, you get a much more real sense of who they are very, very quickly. Cold approach gives us that. There is no sense of tempo, speed of speech. Someone does not get to hear your voice when you're on an online dating app and they're just swiping left and right. That has a huge impact. You could have, you know, you could have the most annoying voice in the world and a sexy face, and they're going to swipe right all day long and chat with you and never know, you know, certain elements. And the same goes for arrogance, same goes for uh being very um self-absorbed. All of these things get picked up on very quickly in person. Or, you know, if you have the good qualities that you're bringing to the table, those also usually they can be spotted from across the room. The, the, you know, the gait, you know, the the the speed at which you move your body, how you plant yourself, how grounded you are. It's almost impossible to be able to display these in an online format. And when you're in person, just standing next to somebody at the line at the grocery store, all of that, if you have really developed it, just comes out naturally. That is why that is why cold approach is effective. Well, that that's that's the main reason. The second reason is nobody's really doing it. But I'm gonna stop there for a second and let you chime in.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, no, well, let's let's let's get into that in a second. But I I also wanted to add that you talk you talked about the vibe and the energy, but you're also discerning what's you know what her energy is like and whether or not you want to pursue this. So that's kind of why I was saying, do we work backwards from like what our goal is, or do we just approach this as being just relational, five five seconds of some something to just discern whether this is even somebody that you want to pursue further as well? Because if you're in your masculine energy and you're bringing a kind, like you said, respectful, maybe fun, loving, int or interesting, whatever vibe you have. I mean, everybody's vibe is going to be different, right? And you're met with an energy that is not reciprocal to that, like you've got your answer right away, right? So you're not you don't need to be pushing this if it's uh an interaction. Like we all have interactions with uh people uh like all day long, where some of them are like, oh man, I really liked that. Like that felt good. And some are like, oh God, I can't be like, I don't want to see that person again, right? So this is helping you to make you know just discerning discerning whether or not this is a a high quality person that that you want to interact. And and I always want to remind the the dads about that, because I think dads start the dads feel like they're at a deficit when they're doing this. You are you are qualifying as much as anybody else is is qualifying out there as well. So let's talk about that.
SPEAKER_02:Okay, so yeah, I love what you're saying, and it's totally true. If we look at it not as how other people are perceiving us, but how we are perceiving the other people and how we are filtering. So we filter when we're on dating apps, we filter by age, we filter by height, hair color, you know, depending on the dating app you're at, you know, you're you're filtering all different ways. In person, and then even though we use those filters on dating apps, then you meet them in person, and then you find out that there was about a 90% gap in your filter for what you actually are attracted to. So we've all seen that, right? You're like, oh no, you know, and and you know it in the first like two seconds, two and a half seconds. Exactly. You're like, oh, I guess I gotta sit in this coffee.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. Swing a mess.
SPEAKER_02:In exactly. In person, we filter naturally and we do it effortlessly. It doesn't take that much work. We're just like, well, I'm not gonna hit on her, and wow, I really want to hit on her. It just happens naturally. We can see the attraction. When we're online and we're trying to figure out what are we looking for, we have to work a lot harder. We have to, you know, you got to swipe through a whole bunch, and then you have to like stop and go, like, okay, is that is that a body shot? Can I tell? Like, what's what are they hiding? What are they showing? You know, like it's hard to get you know a feel for what what you're really looking at. And then, like you said, her vibe, you want to make sure that, okay, you're bringing attractive vibe, but does she have the vibe that you want? And you'll talking to her for literally five or 10 seconds, you know, you know, was it uh may I meet you? If that resonates with you and the way that you want to do it, she, you know, if if that is part of your style and your vibe, you know, and honestly, that's part of my style. I like to be a little more, a little more formal, a little more dressed up, a little more, you know, sapiosexual, if, you know, if you if we're gonna use a filter term from the dating apps. Yeah, right. You know, um, I like intelligence turns me on. I want to present that. And then does she like look at me like I'm from from Mars? Or does she look at me and go, oh, okay, I like this guy because he's actually using more proper grammar? That immediately tells us whether we're compatible or not. And it is very important from a personal first-person confidence point of view to do exactly what you said. We have to qualify them to be something that we're looking for, and we have to bring the best package on our end to make sure that we have hopefully an opportunity or the as many opportunities as we can for them to be interested in us.
SPEAKER_01:Right. So, so we could just wrap this up with saying it the reason it matters is it's going to be it's going to save you so much more time because as a divorce dad, you've got so much going on. And you've got you know, this the dating app, when we've talked about this in past episodes, gives you this idea of abundance and and the illusion to the illusion, right? Yeah, the illusion of abundance, and it's just it's not, it's not true. And in by by approaching women in person, you cut out all of that, like what you just described, which is you see her, she's attractive. You're not going through all these filters, these filtered photos, full body shots, no full body shots, like you know, what is she actually that age, not that like whatever, right? Yeah, you you see her, it's all done immediately, like, like you know, it's basically uh you know, God's design for us to be attracted to somebody, right? And then then you have the ability to to go and then have a conversation. And so let's let's talk about then that. Okay, so that's why it matters, guys. Like you're gonna save yourselves just a ton of time and effort and like all this stuff and not having to deal with this. And and let's talk, okay, let's talk about it for a little second, a quick second, because a couple of things. So you have done, I've done a lot of a ton of online dating, right? You have done prolific work in online dating. You know online dating, and obviously you're dating a relationship coach. So let's let's talk about the the the fact that I I get so okay. The last uh Q ⁇ A we had, one of the guys said, Well, but you know, Dallas, where do I meet women? Right. And you're like, Well, like when you go out of your house, don't you see women? I mean, basically, I think that was your response. And it's like, you can meet women anywhere. Because I think his question was like, Well, I'm not young, I don't go to the bars anymore, and I don't do this. But your point was like, women are everywhere, and you can meet women anywhere. And so let's uh let's talk about that now, and like compared to like this online dating stuff, and then moving this to the direction we should be taking. Okay, go.
SPEAKER_02:Okay, I get I get that. That's like the top question is where do I meet women? And the the the the true answer is women are virtually everywhere. They are.
SPEAKER_01:Yes.
SPEAKER_02:What I think the question is actually asking is where can I meet women with with low to no effort? Where are women low-hanging fruit on the tree? And it's beautiful and it's ripe and it's ready to pick, and I don't have to make an effort, and I can just go and collect it. That's really, I believe, what the question is when a guy's asks, where can I meet women? It's where is it easy for me to meet women and I don't have to make a lot of stuff, oh, and they have to be attractive, oh, and they have to all be interested in me, no matter how I show up. That's the real question that they're asking. And that, okay, and and we have to be honest with ourselves as guys. If you're asking that question and you're complaining that it's so hard to meet women, guys, you're being passive. There is nothing masculine or sexy about being passive. Women are everywhere. And what we have to see is that we have to, we have to transform the barriers that are around us, and most of those barriers are actually just inside of ourselves. Is I can't talk to this woman here that's in the supermarket. Well, who said that exactly? Where where was that rule written? Yeah, there are some social rules, but for the most part, that rule is just existing inside of you. And you can break it the moment you you grant permission for yourself to break it. So where do I meet women? Okay, there's the location, you know, the you know, at late post office at the supermarket. Are they always going to be there? No. But here's here's one of the things that I actually, you know, teach my guys to do is you want to leverage the scarcity principle. So, you know, in online dating, there's an illusion of abundance, and we start kicking back because it's like we have this illusion of a feast in front of us, and there's tons of low-hanging fruit, and I could get any of it when I want. It's an illusion because usually you don't actually get any of it. Okay, when you're in person, you don't have that illusion. You look around, you know, walking into, you know, wherever you're going, and you're not going to see that many options. You might not even see any options. You go out to a bar with the specific intention of meeting women, usually you won't see any options. Okay, here's the thing: you want to embrace that. You want to realize there are no good options here, there are no good options here, and you let it build up inside you. You use that scarcity to build up the energy inside of you and go, you know what? Well, I'm gonna be ready when she is there. I'm gonna be ready when she is there because I'm realizing she doesn't walk around, she's not there every time I go out. A woman that I want to ask out isn't always there. So that means that when she actually is in front of you, then you pull the trigger. You know, you just got back from a hunting trip. You know, it's you don't have an animal crossing your path. You know, and like you're waiting and you're waiting and you're waiting. When that when that animal crosses your path, if you hesitate, you're going to lose that very small window. You need to, because it's scarce most of the time, and then suddenly you have your shot, you know, literally your shot when you're hunting.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:You want to use this, you want to use this scarcity to build it up and to realize, okay, yeah, there are women everywhere, but not the women I want to ask out, or I'm looking, she's got a wedding ring on, you know, or she's got kids with her and and a wedding ring, or you know, what whatever it is. But but you use that scarcity, it's kind of like building up pressure inside, but a good kind of pressure. And the pressure is my own desire to meet a woman that I find attractive. You want to you want to leverage the scarcity so that you have the fuel, the combustion. You know, you've got a round loaded in the chamber and you are trigger happy. So that when when that when that beautiful deer crosses your path, you are like, I am not gonna hesitate to take my shot.
SPEAKER_01:So leverage the scarcity. That's the that's the the the the quote for this episode. Leverage the scarcity. And I I feel like that as as a man, a lot of us have gotten lazy because of the online dating, because of how the uh how society has started to meet people or not meet people. I see this with my daughters all the time. I'm like, why? What is why are you guys communicating via Instagram? Like, why are you DMing? Like go talk to him or or have him talk to you. If he's gonna talk to you, then you know, like you said, he's gonna be I like leveraging the scarcity, right? Like he's going to be taking his shot because that's what he needs to be doing. And that indicates something much, much bigger and larger subconsciously to her than anything, like anything else that you can possibly do. Great photos, well groomed, like whatever else, just that you're taking your shot is is huge. And so so talk about that for one second, about that. And then I want to get into specifically like some techniques around location, when to approach, not to approach, and we'll and and we'll get into that.
SPEAKER_02:Okay. Yeah, great point because the scarcity works in two directions. We as men have a scarcity of women that we want to approach. You leverage it, build it up so that when your opportunity is in front of you, you take your shot. Same goes on their end. Women, you know, I hear it constantly. They wish men would approach them more, obviously, appropriately. And obviously, they want the guys that they want approaching them to approach them, and they're, you know, they don't like that they're not. But the but the fact remains that most women are scarcely, I know I'm using grammar weirdly here, but they are scarcely approached. They don't, there isn't a huge abundance. They don't have three to five men per day that are good candidates walking up to them and asking them out. They don't. If they did, cold approaching wouldn't work because every guy is doing it. Right now, if you're the guy that takes his shot, you are the scarce man. You're the rare guy that has that has the cojones, you know, that has that has the primal courage. And and you know, the this is another term I use with the guys. You're you're you're being effective on a primal level. If I'm gonna walk up and take my shot, it doesn't matter how I'm dressed. I could be coming from one place to another. It doesn't matter. You know, I I mean, sometimes, you know, I'm doing a DIY project. I go into Home Depot, I haven't changed my pants, I've got drywall stuff all over my shirt. It doesn't matter. You can transcend the way you look in any one particular moment. She can tell the difference between, you know, some knuckle dragger, you know, who's got, you know, nothing to offer, and some guy who's actually just doing a DIY project at home and can transcend it. She knows the difference. Um, similarly, some guy that's all business and always wearing a suit and he leans on that, you know, he leans on his money, but you know, and and but it's actually just a form of arrogance or you know, thinks that he should have something. Women see through that too, and they want to know who's a guy that can transcend and go, nope, I totally get real. I get, you know, I changed the oil on my car myself or whatever. There is a there's a primal effectiveness to masculinity of being competent in in many areas of life that every woman finds attractive. No woman has ever said, gosh, I really hate how this guy can really just do lots of stuff and get it done. Yeah. No woman has ever said that. And when a guy brings that to the table, she it causes her to relax. And that and that is a vibe that you bring to the table. So so real to so to your point, it when when the opportunity presents itself and you bring the type of raw, masculine, primal energy there, it's the energy itself, not the packaging, yes, it does matter, but the energy is what really counts. And it is very, very scarce. Women are not used to men with that kind of energy approaching them, and they're not used to being approached in person at all. And they find it really refreshing when it's done respectfully, when it's done with a bit of charm, with it's done when it's done with playfulness, and of course when it's done with confidence. Women love it, they ask for it, they want it, and they're not getting enough of it. So when you do it, you're leveraging scarcity on your end, and you're leveraging scarcity on their end. And I've completely forgotten what your follow-up question was.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, no, so what the next one is let's talk about some do's and don'ts about that, because they they do want it, but we do often I think sometimes it may oftentimes surprise women because they're just so not used to it anymore. And so I think the first thing we said was, okay, be respectful, right? Like you gotta the energy that you're bringing has got to be a good energy, okay? It can't so these do's and don'ts that I want to talk about is how do you show up not being, you know, not coming off creepy, not coming off. Well, number one, if if you're just doing this to get a date to get laid, then you're gonna come off as creepy. So just forget about everything we're gonna say and turn off the podcast because this is not what we're you know, this is what we're we're we're conveying and and trying to help you to do. Like there's a million like pickup artists gurus online that that you can listen to for for that. But but we are gonna talk about some specifics and like when to and when not to approach. And I think one of them, when not to, is like don't interrupt a woman who might be doing something. Like uh if you're at a if you're a coffee shop and she's working or on a call or something like that, like you know, don't. That's it. You might see her, you might be attracted, you'd be like, oh, yep, there's my you know, there's my shot, but it's not your shot. Like don't don't if she's busy or otherwise occupied, you're just you're not gonna get you're not gonna get her attention enough to be able to allow her to get an emotional vibe from you, and you're not gonna be able to sense an emotional vibe for her. So is that is that fair to say, like, you know, if they're if they're wearing headphones and maybe working out, is that a like at the gym? Is that a sign that they don't want to be a pro? It's like because a lot of but and so here's this is this is where it's a delicate balance because a lot of society is just like occupied all of the time and distracted all of the time with headphones or something. And so like how do we balance that and how do we truly know if she's occupied and we shouldn't bother her? Yeah. And what are those what I'm gonna what I'm calling is like an open signal. So maybe you are at the coffee shop and then she's off her computer and she's maybe looking away and sipping her coffee.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, and you try to jump in, and you try to jump in in that split second. Okay, so here's the here's the problem with with I I hear what you're saying, and there is total validity to it. And okay, if let's just let's just say if a woman is on a video call, definitely do not approach her and talk to her. For sure. Okay, like clearly, like, do not interrupt that. Uh, if she's chatting with her friends and they're in like the depths of it, yeah, but can you not approach it all? I wouldn't say that's necessarily true. You know, if you're in the coffee shop, they're in the coffee shop, you've been there for 30 minutes. Is is it never appropriate? I would, I wouldn't, I would venture to say no, it you should be able to approach, but you're approaching two people. Realize that. Okay, but so let me okay, so there's there's so much here. Let me let me come back. This episode is about cold approach, okay? Let me tell you that your number one goal with the cold approach is to make it a warm approach. Okay, the way you make it a warm approach is it's not just I'm trying to get her number. I'm trying to get laid. I'm trying to get a date. I'm trying to get something from her. That's cold because you're targeted, you're penetrating, and you're trying to get something from her. You're trying to get in and kind of get to something and kind of get out, sort of. You've got too much of a mission. Okay, that's that's cold because it's precise. It's like a scalpel, you know, you're and you're going in with it. Right. Women don't respond well to that form of penetration that is way too early and soon for them to be penetrated by you. And yes, I'm using the word penetration suggestively here. Women want to be warmed up first. They want to have a warm approach. They want to have one. So if she is chatting with a friend in a cafe, you want to walk up and acknowledge there are two people there. She could be talking to a man or a group of people. You want to approach and acknowledge the entire group and show that you are the sort of man that has enough self-assuredness, you are physically and emotionally certain to call back to a previous episode. I'm approaching this group with enough physical certainty and emotional certainty for me to talk to everyone in the group and to open them all up and to make them all feel comfortable in my presence. I've just created a warm approach. And when it's one-on-one with a woman, the same way. The and the the precursor to this, and this is going to sound so abstract, but you have to be warm inside of yourself first. You have to already be connected with the room around you and with the people. If the only person, if the only stranger you ever interact with is like a is this one who's trying to shoot like a sniper and like take it down, you're going to come off as cold. If you're used to connecting with the world, if you're used to being playful with everyone around you, that warms everyone else up. It warms you up. And you're just inviting her into your larger world. You know, and part of that could be playfulness, part of that could be other people that were laughing. Um, everybody wants to be around that kind of a man. And and really, when you're in that situation, it becomes natural because you're it's no longer a cold approach. You've created warmth. It's a warm approach.
SPEAKER_01:Uh last thing I would I just wanted to, I just wanted to highlight what you just said with that. So we're calling these cold approaches because because we don't know the person, like it's cold. But I like what you just said from a like a visual standpoint, is you're you're attempting to make this a warm, like a warm, genuine interaction. So making it from cold to to warm, I think, is a great way to think about it in in your mind. And if and that can be your only that can be your only goal. That should be really your only goal. Yes. To is just to have a warm interaction with another human being.
SPEAKER_02:Well said. Well said. And and along with that, I want you to let me let me grab the thought again.
unknown:Oh, dang it.
SPEAKER_02:I had it while we were talking. Give me just a second.
SPEAKER_01:Sorry, I interrupted you on that. But no, you're fine. It'll it'll come back to you, and when it comes back to it, we'll we'll come back. So so if so that so that's it. So if you are you know, if you are looking for an opportunity, looking for whatever those whatever that that open signal is, and you're you're gonna be kind, you're gonna be did you remember what it is? I remembered, yeah. Okay, okay.
SPEAKER_02:And it builds it builds directly on this warmth. Is you want to you want to treat the person and assume familiarity. So when I meet somebody new, you know, and I don't know them, they don't know me, there's a certain formality. And when we get to know each other, let's say we we meet again a second time and we're having coffee, there's a certain part where we naturally relax and we start to treat each other with more familiarity. And then time goes by and time goes by, and we become more and more relaxed and comfortable and more familiar with each other. Well, we're both really in in any in any human interaction, we're both just waiting for everyone to sort of say it's okay to do that. Any person at any time can just totally bypass that by assuming familiarity and treating the person that way. So for example, let's say I'm at at uh in line at, I don't know, like at the supermarket and they're they're getting something, I don't know what. It was like, you know, and they have like, I don't know, three watermelons in their shopping cart or something. And it was like, you know, it was like, are you really gonna do that to your pancreas? You know, like it's like one of the sugary, whatever. I mean, that's a super dumb example. But if the first words out of my mouth to her are something that I would say to a friend, like, are you really sure that's a good, that's a good life choice there? You know, you know, and and you're and you're laughing about it. I'm I have just fast-forwarded through about four days for us to get to a place of familiarity because I'm assuming familiarity. That assuming of the familiarity is just, I mean, I'm not, I'm not, you know, I'm not like I'm doing it appropriate for the context, but I'm also showing her I have no problem being myself around you. I'm don't have to be on my best behavior. I'm gonna fast forward and let you see the fun side of me. I'm assuming familiarity. And for the most part, people are more than happy to accept that from the other person. If it's funny, if it's if it's welcome, if it's enjoyable. Most people like it that the other person is going to be that familiar with them. We we like receiving this. Be the man that gifts this, you know, and say, oh, really? Yeah. So so that's what you do on a Sunday afternoon, huh? Yeah, you just cruise through, you know, movie theaters, you know, watching three per day. Okay, gotcha. You know, you do something, you know, something like that. You know, we call it, you know, it's teasing, you know, in the pickup artist world, it could, well, I don't know, it might be called negging, possibly in the pickup artist world. Let's not get it. But negging, but negging is a little more strategic. It's meant to put them down in comparison to other people. But I'm gonna I'm gonna call it assuming familiarity because because we're we're just fast-forwarding to where we would get to eventually. And to your point, this lets us filter real fast whether or not this woman is compatible with us, and we're just doing it by showing who we are sooner and faster, and it warms up the entire interaction.
SPEAKER_01:Well, and as usual, Dallas, you make it sound so incredibly easy because you are so incredibly good at it. But the rest of us in normal guys have more challenges and struggles. So let's talk about some of the non-verbal ways that we can uh get ourselves ready, like like you know, how to carry ourselves, how to to stand, like a smile, and maybe body language and being open, and you know, I I can already see you in line, watermelons, and making a funny, right? Like, and then you've got the date, and then you guys are already like you guys are familiar by like 10 minutes into your first date because you're good. All right. But me, I'm there and I'm like saying something stupid and awkward about the you know, the the watermelons. Watermelons, yeah. Yeah, the boder watermelons, right? Like, and then yeah, so yours was funny, mine was, you know, she's eyeing security at the front door. Exactly. So yeah, yeah. So help, help, help us with some of those non-verbal ways to do this.
SPEAKER_02:Okay, so uh, all right, so there's okay, there's an there are endless details and there are endless behaviors. The details draw a picture, the behaviors are tactics. There's endless, endless, endless amounts of those. But there's really only a few states that we can get into where the where the details of what we look at and what we're doing with our body and and our behavior naturally emanate out from. And that's the real trick. A lot of guys are trying to rehearse, okay, so I have to put my arm out there on the back of the, on, you know, up over, you know, the uh the booth, you know, the back of the booth to show that I'm open and I'm masculine and I need to have eye contact for this amount of time, and I have to smile this amount, and you know, we dissect it and we're doing all of it. And there's nothing inherently wrong with that. And you do want to make observations, you know, about that and then constantly be improving it. But these are details, guys. These these are the small details. And as long as you're focused on the details, you're just writing, rehearsing, and performing a script. Writing, rehearsing, and performing scripts will never be a genuine performance. It will never be genuine warm approach, it will never be genuine connection, it will never be genuine laughter on her end. So the question is, how do you make it an authentic performance? You need to get into the state. I think the easiest state for pretty much every person on planet Earth to imagine is I just won the lottery. So imagine that that morning you, you know, you bought a lottery ticket, and then at 1 p.m. they announced it and you won the flipping lottery. You you won a 300 million 350 million dollar jackpot. Okay. And now it's six o'clock and you're having the happiest, happy hour of your whole damn life. Like right now, this is about as high as it ever gets. Okay, you're scared that that lottery ticket is like something's gonna happen to it. But other than that, you are absolutely cloud 11. I mean, like you are, you know, you're soaring because you won. You're a winner inside. You can, you know, it's uh the Harry Potter potion, you know, where it's like the good luck thing, you know, he drinks it and he can do no wrong and it all happens. You know, that's the state that you're in. Okay, even imagining that that happened to me created that state in my body. This is this is the interesting thing, is that the mind doesn't know the difference between imagination and reality a lot of the time. I can, and this is nothing new. I mean, you know, I'm a I'm a Tony Robbins fan myself. Tony Robbins has been doing it for decades. Lots of other people do it. You can through imagery, through you know, take all the words you want to do it, but basically get your imagine and feel what it would be like to be in that state. And now imagine you're behind that woman in line at the at the at the grocery store, and you're just like laughing. Your your smile is so big, you're open, you're breathing, you're you're sighing relief. I mean, decades of financial stress has just stripping away from your body. All the opportunities of the future that were constricted. How can I ever like finally go to I don't know, Rome, you know, because I've never been there, and suddenly, I mean, the world is your oyster and everything has opened up. It's you didn't actually do any of the things. Nothing has actually changed physically in that day. But you are living an entirely open life. You are living you the physical embodiment of a winner. Confident men are winners. That's the heart, that's the feeling, that's the openness, that is the confidence. So if you're asking yourself, how do I behave? What do I do with my body? What do I do with my words? Well, ask yourself, how does a winner behave? But even more important than how does a winner behave? Because that's mimicking, again, that's scripts, that's rehearsing and performing. Ask yourself, how can I put myself into the state of a winner?
unknown:Right.
SPEAKER_02:Winners let them all the time. All the time. Exactly. And, you know, guys, just so you understand, we're not saying that anybody is registering like they're feeling like a winner all the time. That's not it. You're gonna go up and down. You're gonna, you're gonna have highs, you're gonna have lows. But realize that what we are striving for in ourselves is to open ourselves because that's what confidence is. Confidence is I have nothing to worry about now. I'm not worried if this woman says no to me. I'm not worried, you know, if if I don't know, I come out and my car's caught on fire. I'm I'm not worried, you know, what my boss says anymore. I am free of all of these worries. I'm open. That's what confidence is. And I really think the state of having just won the lottery is the easiest, most simple, concrete way for us to imagine it and then begin to embody it in a practical day-to-day way.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. No, I I like that a lot. I know one of the first things that came to my mind, and I know the guys are like, okay, but yeah, that's that's great, Dallas. But you know, I actually just woke up and I had to deal with trying to get teens out of the house on time, and my boss is up my ass, and I've got all these bills, and my acts is driving me freaking crazy. And then all of a sudden I'm gonna see her, and like I'm like, I'm not, I didn't win the freaking lottery this morning. I'm maybe irritated and pissed off or distracted or or or whatnot. And I'll just say, if that's the case, guys, don't just don't engage, right? Like, you don't have to engage, and maybe you miss your shot because sometimes we do miss our shots, and sometimes we shouldn't be taking the shots because it's not the right the right time. So that's okay. You're not gonna be spot on all the time, like nobody's man, like you're just not. It's okay and and that's okay. But I think your point, I think a good general point, period, is get yourself in mental emotional state as much of the time, every single day, to where you're not because this is this will translate to more than just meeting women and approaching women. This is gonna translate to other areas of your of your life, other relationships, work, children, etc. So, and we talk about, well, I talk about this in in the divorced advocate podcasts and and when when we're doing work with the dads and getting you know their emotions in intact and in line and and stuff like that. So uh so this goes in alignment with that. So it's just getting yourself to be generally like that so that any time of day, wherever you're at, whatever you're doing, then you have the confidence to be able to have a simple warm interaction with somebody. And I think we I'm gonna keep coming back to that is having a warm interaction with somebody. Anyone.
SPEAKER_02:A warm approach, yeah. This isn't cold approach, this is warm approach. And let me let me bring this back to the question that you brought up earlier from our last Q ⁇ A with your uh with your with your audience, men. Uh-huh. The guys were asking, where do I meet women? The guys were not asking, how do I show up as effectively as possible so that any woman I meet wants me to wants me to get a number. Okay, we are talking about we what what that question is focused on and what we are focused on right now is two completely different things.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:When you focus on showing up in the right state, it's like, well, where do women meet me? Becomes the the the issue at hand. Because when you walk around with that kind of openness, groundedness, you know, and you practice it with your kids. I mean, I I okay, so obviously it is so much easier for me to say because I I have a I don't I don't have the stress of an ex-wife, and I don't have the the stress of having to co-parent, you know, and I and I and I and I don't have I don't have children that I have to take care of. In those senses, my life is a lot less stressful. I completely own that and agree with it. And I can tell you that if I had children, my priority of being open and confident and modeling it, especially if I had daughters, would be even more important than it is to me right now. Because I want my if I had daughters, I would want my daughters to go to look at the other boys around them and go, yeah, no, you're nothing like my dad. Like come back when you've worked on your shit a little more. Like, I mean, you're just, you know, you're you're you're asking me to have sex with you, but you don't even, you you have no groundedness, you have no self-assuredness. I I would want, I want, if I had daughters, I would want my daughters to see me modeling a grounded, non-reactive, open kind of energy that is confident. Because I want them to be attracted to that for their partner in the future. And if I had if I had sons, obviously, I want them to be little Mac daddies when they go out there into the world, not just with women, but with everything in life. I want them to, I want them to go, well, yeah, no, it's it's easy. You just you open up and you're you're like a winner, you know, and you you feel good and you're grounded and you know, and you stress. I the priority of modeling that for my children, honestly, I would say would be an even bigger motivator than me trying to own it for myself and my own interactions in the world. Would you agree with that as a dad? What's your take?
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, absolutely. One 100%. I think as as divorced dads, oftentimes this is a this is a whole learning thing for us dating after divorce, which is the reason why you and I started this podcast. And I think it's incredibly important. Ton of this stuff was never taught to us. A ton of this stuff we we just learned as we went as as young men, or learned from our from whatever role mod male role models, good or bad, that that we had growing up. And it's a whole different ballgame now, and it's a whole different environment now. So it's literally just just starting over. And but I think it's important, like you said, the the the dads, and I know that all the dads listening to this podcast and the divorced advocate podcast really want to have good, warm interactions, a good role, you know, a healthy romantic relationship, et cetera. So I think that they they take it to heart and knowing that there are significant implications like modeling for your children, I know that's been a big one for for me, is that I take that very, very seriously, that they they they learn more from watching than anything else that I can tell them at all.
SPEAKER_02:So let me ask a question about that. So when you're modeling for your daughters, the a single man that just swipes on apps and then eventually schedules a date with a woman versus a man that met a woman while he was out getting groceries and came back and he's got a smile on his face. Which one of, I mean, which one do you do you think your daughters would be happier about?
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, no, that's a you know, that's a great point. And that's something that's something I've not even thought about for for myself. And and even actually talking and having some warm interactions with women while they're around. Like I I think that is actually would would be uh a positive for for them to see and and to know also. And that you know, I I think that's something, you know, as I always tell you, Dallas, I leave I leave our episodes going, oh my god, I can do this, and let's think about this, and I'm gonna go do that. It's like so. I think this is one of my big ones now. It's like I I've never thought about doing that while in the presence of my daughters or having my daughters wrong. But I think that would actually be a positive thing for them to see in action.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, and and and it would make your approach if you have your daughters in your mind and in your heart when you're approaching a woman, it makes you even warmer inside.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:You know, bringing bringing the pack, the full package of your life with you, it makes your approach to that woman even warmer because you this you're not hiding, you're not dividing, you know, you're not compartmentalizing one part of your life over here in an app and your daughters are over here and your ex-wife is over there and your guy friends over here. You're being much more welcoming and bringing in. That's what warms it up. Um and and tell me again, I mean, do you feel that when you have your daughters in your heart, when you're approaching a woman that you find attractive, I mean, I would hope, I would imagine that gives you even more confidence.
SPEAKER_01:Oh, yeah, absolutely. You're you're you're for all the dads that I've ever talked to, and for myself, the the kids are driving, the driving factor in your life. So if you have that, you know, I I might even say you talked about winning the lottery. Like have the mindset of the lottery being your k your kids are your winning of the lottery. And if you have that in your heart when you're when you're uh having a warm conversation with somebody, it's gonna it's gonna warm even more. I mean, it's gonna bring a different feel and and energy to to the conversation. So if you can put that in the the back of your mind, even if they are teenagers and they just made you crazy that day or morning or talking back or you know, giving flack or whatever, you still do you know bring that that that uh loving feeling. So I like that a lot.
SPEAKER_02:Cool, awesome. I'm I'm glad I'm glad that my imagination is rooted in reality. I'm glad. I'm glad. So I want to talk just for a minute about the stress, okay? Because you talked about I'm you know, I wake up in the morning, my boss is crawling at my ass, you know, my my my daughters are teenage daughters are driving me crazy, my ex is doing this, and I've got that. And you feel like your life isn't even your own. Yes, we have a lot of responsibilities. The fact that we have responsibilities can be positive or negative, depending entirely on our perception of them. And I'm I I get it, the stress level is high. But what defines our experience is how we react emotionally or respond behaviorally to that stimulus and what we choose to do going forward. So if your boss is up your ass and he's just that kind of boss, are you just staying there or are you working towards a different job? I mean, because the minute you realize I that I'm in the wrong job and I'm working towards something else, you now have an outlet and you're no longer reactive, you're being proactive towards what you want. I'm not sure we can do much about the teenagers being teenagers, other than the fact that we have to take a step back and laugh and go like, this is what we go through. Like, well, when humans are ages 13 to 18, this is what they do. They go through this weird phase, and we have to laugh at just the absurdity of the human condition. We have to take the step back and just kind of let it go. Because if we're getting frustrated, it's because we're trying to control. It's because we're not allowing them to do it. Now, obviously, if they're doing some pretty hardcore stuff, like that's that's but that's not frustration, that's genuine concern talking to therapists. Like that's different. When it comes to you know, your ex-you know, your ex-wife and whatever, yes, we have to we have to deal with them. But this is where, again, the work with you and what you do with with the divorced advocate is I'm sure. I'm sure steps one, two, and three are how to set a healthy boundary. You know, define yourself and set healthy boundaries. Define yourself and set healthy boundaries, you know, set healthy boundaries. And the reason for that is when we have really, really strong self-definition, we're no longer reactive. Most of that, most of that stress that we're feeling is because we are we're being reactive to it. It's how we're perceiving it. I'm not saying it's not exhausting, but it it it but we have to look at ourselves and make sure that we are not just going, well, throwing our heads, our hands up in the air saying, like, well, my life's just kind of crap. It's like, dude, your life, man, start to start to start to inch your way out, start to get some pulleys and levers and start moving yourself into a position where your life doesn't feel stressful financially, emotionally, relationally, on all the levels. Because here's the thing, once we turn 18, the buck stops with you because you're an adult. And if you are not taking responsibility and changing yourself and putting yourself into a position where you can feel like a winner, that's your fault because you're the adult in the room.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I agree 100%. And in and this is always preface on the fact that we've taken the time to really work through and sort through our stuff, get our our values and our understanding of our belief systems and whatnot in line and on and intact, and and being being able to show up how we're supposed to be showing up. Because, fellas, if you're still struggling with that at this point and and you're listening to us, you it's just still not time yet. Like go do the work, therapy, coaching, whatever, whatever you need, there's going to be an opportunity for you to have another romantic relationship, but it is really incumbent, like Dallas said, and and being able to show up. Because if you can't show up, and or you're showing up how you used to show up, look, if the the definition of sanity is doing the same thing over and over and and and hoping for a different outcome. Like you're not going to get a different outcome. So, so stop and and do the work. And I guess we haven't said that in in a few episodes, but you've got to do that before because we can talk about, and and I think Dallas does a great job, and I really appreciate that. I I you know I kind of structure stuff to say, well, let's talk about like practical applications, but really what it comes down to, guys, is you can take all these steps. We can talk about how to approach, when to approach, being open, like what what to say, what words, what openers, are there bad ones, are there good ones, etc. It mostly and entirely comes down to what kind of energy you are bringing to the interaction. And Dallas always does a terrific job of not only stating that, but also explaining why, why that's beneficial, how it's how it's impacting the woman, and how it's helping you and your masculine, which is which I really appreciate about you know your approach, Dallas, which makes you so good at at what you do, because you can teach. And and so on that note, guys, I will say, so you hear Dallas every week. And and I gotta say, guys, when you listen, Dallas, when we do these, we don't script any of these podcast episodes. This is Dallas giving his expertise every single week to you off the cuff, just like he would be doing with you in one-on-one coaching. So if you want to take this to the next level, so you've done maybe some of the work, guys, you've been part of a divorced advocate community, you're ready to do some dating, and you really want to have some success. And I I can say this as a guy that's been dating for a decade and has had you know some success, not great success, uh, etc. Man, if you want to take it to the next level and you want now to really dive into this, get involved with Dallas and his community, because this is gonna take your skill level to to the you know to the to the next to the next point, and and and that's gonna help you have more success. So you hear us talk about this stuff, and we can't get in, like we've already been through an hour, and like I still got a bunch of stuff I want us to talk about, but I don't know that we're gonna to get into it. But I I I just want I just want to emphasize that all the time. There's there's nothing like getting more involved, and you know, so so I just wanted to say that because I do appreciate how you are able to bring it to the core of that every every single time. So, but I'm gonna come back and then say, so we have a warm interaction, right? Maybe a little brief conversation. Is it okay to say, hey, you know, I I'd I'd like to continue this conversation. Can I have your number? Or I've got an idea of how we can continue this conversation. Yeah, would you be interested in that or something? Is it is that okay? Over watermelons in the grocery cart?
SPEAKER_02:Absolutely. Absolutely. Because because women women have this statement of they want it to just happen naturally. Okay. And naturally, we've all heard it, and we're like, what do you mean naturally? I have to make something happen. It's over watermelons in a shopping cart that it just that just happened naturally. No, no, no, no. I actually did that intentionally. Absolutely. If you don't, you didn't take your shot. You leveraged all this scarcity, and then that, and then that beautiful doe, you know. I know we're supposed to shoot the bucks, but still, this beautiful deer crosses your path. Take your shot. If you don't ask, you didn't take your shot, you walked away with no means of following up or asking this woman out later. You absolutely none at all. Swing all the way through, gentlemen. Swing. Don't don't pull your punches, don't choke up, you know, when you're swinging. I know I'm mixing metaphors here, but like, guys, clean, full swing all the way through, knock the ball out of the damn park. I mean, yeah, you know, and it's like, you know, so you're talking about the balance. Oh, you know, it's like, hey, you know, it's like you seem really fun. It's like, would you would you like to get together? You know, would you like to have coffee this weekend? You know, what do you, what are you up to on Saturday? No big deal, you know, and you ask her that. There, you know, and I I find it's I find it's more effective to be concrete about that and then say, well, let me get your number. I mean, I could just, I could just say, Hey, can I get your number? Like, you seem really cute, but I kind of kind of almost put in more playfulness to it. And I have to feel like there's more kind of playfulness there when I'm inviting someone to something concrete. You know, if I if I ask her for her number and she's like, well, why do you want it? I mean, of course, like the reason's obvious, but but it's sort of like there, it's it's it's abstract asking for digits to a device. Or if I say, you know, hey, you know, would you like to grab a drink on Friday? That's concrete. That's an invitation to something specific. It's a concrete invitation. If I just say, Can I get your number? It's just assume there will be an invitation later. It might sound like semantics, but invitations that are concrete, they make her feel safe and reassured. That is like number one key element here of a warm interaction is to make her feel safe and reassured. Tell her what your intentions are. Because for all she knows, you're going to turn around and send her a dick pic, you know, when you get home. Because most dudes do on dating apps at a certain point. Like, I think it's the majority of them. At least talking with women, that's what it sounds like. They're they're all vulgar. She wants to know what are you inviting her to? And then getting the number becomes just a matter of hashing out the details.
SPEAKER_01:That's a great point.
SPEAKER_02:But it's absolutely natural for you to extend an invitation. It's absolutely effective. And again, I'm not hiding my intentions. If I had this whole interaction, you know, and then I just leave it, you know, that's fine. And you should do that a lot of the time just to practice having warm approaches with everybody. You want to practice that. However, when you're attracted to the woman, swing all the way through, follow through on your stroke, and you know, and it you're gonna get, you're gonna get the butterflies, you're gonna get a little bit of anxiety. It's just energy, it's just excitement. It's just the fact that you've been waiting, waiting, waiting, and now it happened to happen. That woman that you cross three times in the supermarket in different aisles, and you're like, God, I wish it was her. She's the one at the end of the line, and you get to walk up behind her, and you're like, hallelujah! Finally, on my side, the odds happen, you know, helped me. I'm it it's it's only your fault if you don't swing through, man. It's only on you if you think that now she is going to start that interaction, that she's gonna ask you out. Guys, that's passive. There's no way in the world that that is going to take you where you want to go most of the time. It is 100% yours to, I mean, well, we talked about escalation in the episode about you know sex and intimacy. It it's escalation is expected. It's your and somebody has to do it, and it's sexy when the man does it, when the man takes another step forward. And when I'm when I'm showing what my intentions are, hey, I'd like to ask, I'd like to see you again. She might reject me, she might not, but the fact that I'm being vulnerable like that, that's hot. That means that I'm not afraid of what's going to happen. So, again, in case you haven't heard the word yes enough, yes, absolutely. But it's not just ask her for her number, it's show her your true intentions in speaking with her, assuming that she is someone that you want to ask out after you've chatted for a few minutes. But yes, absolutely follow through. Otherwise, you're you're you're cheating everybody. Every her, you, everybody gets cheated. We didn't have the opportunity 95% of the time, and then she's there. If you don't take your shot, nothing can happen. Absolutely take your shot.
SPEAKER_01:Well, and so I want to I so I want to clarify. So you're again, like we talked about in the beginning, you're you're not working backwards from a goal. So you've had a warm interaction. So if you can think about this as like on a on a on a on a timeline, right? Like you're having a warm interaction, but you want to continue this warm interaction. So you're not looking to get a date, you're not looking to get a number. Like this isn't something that you're that you're working to get towards. You're working to continue this warm interaction. So, like what you're saying is if then you're inviting to continue this warm interaction, that creates a whole different interesting vibe with her and energy with her by stating something like, Hey, I've enjoyed this conversation, or hey, maybe you can give me more tips around you know selecting watermelons. Would you like to have coffee, you know, this Saturday?
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, you make, yeah, yeah. I'll never see melons the same way again. Yeah, after meeting.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I'm gonna actually go to the grocery store after this and put some watermelon. There we go.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, you're primed and ready. Yeah. Yeah, that that's exactly it. You said if you have a goal in mind of what you're trying to get, realize that's selfish. Realize that that is I'm trying to get something for for me, I'm trying to consume, not the proper orientation, and she will feel that. Right. No woman wants to be taken from. They don't want a guy that's trying to get something from her. What you want to follow through with, you're saying continue the connection, that's 100% there. And the and the the the method, the vehicle, the tool for it is an invitation. You have to invite her to something. Even if it's like, you know, I would love to ask you out next week, but my schedule's crazy and I don't know what's going on. Uh can I get your number? And you know, and when I know when I'm free, I can invite you out for a drink. I mean, even if it's just a placeholder, you're still extending an invitation.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:The in the invitation is is the invitation to continue connecting, really. That's that's that's what it is. But that's also something that you're offering rather than trying to get from her, it's something you're giving to her. And that that change as a 180 difference. Those are two totally opposite directions, and they will land on the woman very, very differently. And your response from the woman will be completely different.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. And so if you go into this just with the intention of having a warm interaction, no matter what happens, because it look, a lot of times it's going to be circumstantial. Sorry, I'm I'm married, or sorry, I'm dating, or or I'm I'm not interested. Like, yeah, like okay, that's fine. But you've still had a warm interaction, right? You've let that person feeling better than they were when you've before they met you, right? So that should be the goal and the intention of the entire interaction. And look, the vibe might not happen. She might not be the vibe that you're looking for all the time, and you're gonna know that too. So that's where you just even even if it's not, then you just it's a warm interaction. You leave that person feeling good. You felt good that you had a a good warm interaction with that person, and you didn't pull the trigger because it wasn't, you know, it wasn't the one that that you wanted. So that's okay too.
SPEAKER_02:Let me add one more piece though that I think is also the goal and that you're guaranteed to come away with successfully. And that is you're redefining yourself as a man who makes warm approaches. Because if you're wondering and you're not sure and you feel awkward about it, if you feel torn, you'd like to, but you know, you don't quite know how. Your identity as a man is well, sometimes I approach if it's easy. But if you change that too, I'm the kind of man that when I see my shot, I take it. Because I want to. Okay, every time I I you know I invite someone to have a connection, you know, I have an interaction, I am rewiring myself. I am redefining myself. I am setting my identity as a man that takes his shot when it comes across my path. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. That is part of who I am, and I'm making that clear and true inside of myself. That is a guaranteed result if you continue to do this. And as you continue to do that, and that becomes your identity, it becomes more natural and easy.
SPEAKER_01:Okay. That's a perfect segue to what I want to give as a homework challenge for the dads that are listening this week. Let's hear it. And that's what I'm calling one compliment, zero expectations. And and what this what this is gonna be is I want you to approach man, woman, whomever this week and just give them a compliment, and that's it. So it's not about doing anything, it's not about a romantic, you know, not a romantic opportunity or anything. It's just being open, being vulnerable, approaching strangers and people and giving a compliment and creating some sort of warm interaction with somebody that's gonna help you to like what Dallas just said, be be the be the dad who is the dad that is able to have warm interactions with everybody he comes in contact with you. And then what that's gonna do eventually, gentlemen, is gonna allow you to do that all the time with everybody, but it's gonna open up way more opportunities for those romantic, but potential romantic relationships and interactions. What do you think of that?
SPEAKER_02:I think it's great. I think it's great. Giving a compliment is always good. It's really good if when you give them the compliment, such as a you know, nice boots, that you're dressed and presented well enough that they can return the compliment to you if they'd like to. It's that the the rule of reciprocity in human socialization is really, really, really strong. It's not always going to happen in that scenario, but it more than more than once it has happened to me that I genuinely like a jacket that a woman's wearing. And you know, and I'll do that and she'll come and she'll compliment my watch or the jacket that I'm wearing or something. And it and and people like to be complimented by people that they that they they like what they're they're they're you know, this is a well-dressed man and he's complimenting me on what I'm wearing. If you're a guy showing up in like, you know, tattered sneakers and you know, a loose t-shirt, and you're like, oh, nice dress, and she looks beautiful, she's like, Yeah, thanks. You know, you're not, you know, it's like I'm sure you do think this is attractive, you know. But if it but if you're showing up looking sharp and you give her an a compliment, that compliment's going to mean more to her, and it's gonna open up the interaction. You might be surprised actually how quickly that can open things up. I think that's an awesome assignment. Nice and simple, direct to the point, very executable, very executable.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, awesome. So so Dallas, we're out of time, my friend, but that was terrific. Yeah, we bust through these these weeks every single week, and I say it every single week, but some great stuff. Remind the guys listening, the dads listening, how they can get in contact with you and and get involved with the black box dating community.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. First of all, if you guys haven't liked and subscribed to this podcast, please do that right now. We're growing the audience and uh that you're listening, but we want to be sure that you're continue listening and share it with other guys that you feel this content could help. Yeah, if you are interested in upping your dating game, jump on over to blackboxdating.com. Uh check out the men's coaching program. There is a group coaching program that I that we start out. We do live office hours with me online every week. There's a higher tier at the end of the month where you can join us in the field and we can do live interactions and work together, get some get some of that state work that we were talking about going. And um the highest tier uh involves uh one-on-one work if you're interested in that. Jude, how can the uh how can the guides learn more about your services?
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, so I wanted to touch on what you said about the listenership. We're up like 25% over the last month, which is really terrific. So you guys please continue to to share, like, give us comments that that helps uh uh immensely, and we're just gonna continue to to to grow this. On that note, you we've you're probably listening to this. We probably I think we just had our our our last uh divorce dad's QA, dating uh ask a dating coach Q ⁇ A. But check out the divorced advocate.com website and under events. It's this is a this is a free engagement. It's a QA with Dallas that he's been kind enough to to to share his time with us once a month. And you can you can get online and and you can come and ask Dallas some specific questions. We've done a couple of them now, they've been really, really tremendous. But check that out at thedivorcedadvocate.com. And then there's all the other resources that that you can find there as well for for you wherever you're at in your divorce. Uh, and then I'm also gonna tease Dallas. We're we're gonna be putting together some some live stuff coming up here in in the new year. So so just know that uh Dallas and I are working on some of those things. So if you've got ideas or you've got thoughts or anything that you want us to address, just send us send us a message via your your podcast platform or at dad's dating at dad's dating after divorce at gmail.com. I don't use that that that uh that uh email address that often, so it's hard to remember. Dallas, always a pleasure, my friend. We'll see you next week.
SPEAKER_02:It's been a blast, dude. Talk to you next week. Bye bye.
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