Dads Dating After Divorce
Dating after divorce isn’t what it used to be—especially when you’re a dad. The rules have changed, the world has changed, and now you’ve got kids in the mix. Join Dallas and Jude as they share real-world strategies and insights from their work with dads and men at BlackBoxDating.com and TheDivorcedDadvocate.com.
Dads Dating After Divorce
28 - New Year, Same Baggage
Ready to swap “new year, new me” for something that actually works? We break down ten real, repeatable resolutions for divorced dads who want to date with confidence, class, and a sense of humor. It starts with the pictures—no fish, no trucks, no bathroom mirrors—and moves into owning your height, improving your posture, and dressing like a man who respects himself. Shoes and watches matter more than you think, and a couple of thoughtful accessories can turn a hello into a conversation.
We also tackle the stories you tell. The “crazy ex” opener? Gone. Early dates are for light curiosity, shared laughs, and future-forward energy—not unpaid therapy sessions. We show how to set boundaries with warmth, add a little mystery, and keep your messages crisp: clear plans, minimal emojis, no “hey” texts, and never while buzzed. Thinking of using Gen Z slang to sound younger? Use it only for self-aware humor; otherwise, speak like the grounded adult you are.
Most crucially, we talk about leading your vibe. The dating world can feel cynical, but you don’t have to mirror that energy. Practice optimism, build resilience, and protect your kids by keeping introductions for later. When you enjoy your own life—your routines, your style, your state—your presence does the heavy lifting. If you’re ready to retire cargo shorts, stop height math, and start showing up with playful strength, this one is your jumpstart.
If this helped, subscribe, share with a dad who needs it, and drop a rating and a quick review. Your support helps more dads find the tools to date better and live lighter.
Hello, and welcome to Dad's Dating After Divorce, the only podcast that is going to help you to make your New Year's resolutions as a dad back in the dating world after divorce. My name is Jude Sandval. I am your host and I'm the founder of The Divorced Advocate. My co-host, as always, is Dallas Bluth, the founder of Black Box Dating. How are you doing, Dallas?
SPEAKER_02:Doing fabulous, Jude. We are about to wrap up the first quarter of the century and and the millennium. Like this is this is a pretty cool New Year's.
SPEAKER_00:Oh, yeah. You know what? I had not even I had not even thought about that. Yes, we are a quarter through the millennium, and that's yeah, that's pretty amazing. I remember Y2K. I'm old enough, like I'm dating myself. Well, I've already done that a long time ago, but and I'm literally dating myself figuratively too. Anyway, yeah, so that's interesting. 25 years since Y2K, and man, it's just an interesting, just an interesting world in general. Very interesting world in the in dating, as you know, because you deal with this every day. And so I thought today, since last week, we kind of had a little bit of fun, just keeping the levity around the holidays, I think, is a good thing, particularly with us dads and going through the holidays. Sometimes divorce dads, this can be a this can be a heavy time, whether you've got your kids all the time or you're not seeing your kids on some of the holidays. So I wanted to I wanted to continue the levity this week because we had some big podcasts the the weeks before. And last week we poked a little bit of fun at the at the ladies and their pro and their dating profiles and and went through decoding and and deciphering some of the stuff on their on their profiles. Today I thought what we'd do is we'd put together some New Year's resolutions for the dad's dating. So it's dad's dating, dad's dating's dad's dating New Year's resolutions. Or as I as I as I've uh affectionately what did I New Year, same baggage, top 10 resolutions for single dads. You know that I didn't want it to be that stupid, like new year, new me. Yeah. So it's new new year, same baggage. Let's figure out some resolutions for for us dating dads. What do you think?
SPEAKER_02:I I think it's great. I I think I think new year, new me is uh is a little wishful thinking, and that usually doesn't last past past about the 20th of January.
SPEAKER_00:Well, hopefully we'll hopefully some of these resolutions will get rid of that baggage. So it'll so it'll be new year reduced reduce the baggage. All right, let's start. As always, you you know that I've got uh a list here. Uh so number one is the profile picture purge. Resolution number one this year. We resolved to delete the photo of us holding a fish. Yes, right? I don't care how big it was, unless you're looking to date a marine biologist or maybe a uh a pelican, she doesn't care, right? Also included in this band, I think we should make glass sunglasses indoors, like get rid of that picture, Jimmuir selfies, where you're where you're you you like pretend you're checking the phone, but you're you're actually flexing your arm, right? And any any photo taking inside of your truck.
unknown:All right.
SPEAKER_00:So yeah. So can we agree that that is probably a good New Year's resolution for us dads? Absolutely.
SPEAKER_02:That that's an excellent one. I'm gonna add to that any picture in which you are wearing a seatbelt is probably probably not there. Unless that seatbelt is on some wild ride at an amusement park or something, you know. But if it's in a vehicle, and especially if you're driving, you should not be taking a picture. Last one that I'm gonna add to that is anything in a bathroom. Do not take any pictures of yourself in the mirror in the bathroom. Um, okay, so a lot of guys are like, well, what's left? Okay, what's left is for you to actually take pictures when you're out socializing with people. A lot of we we don't think of this as guys, you know, like most guys are not selfie takers for social media that women tend to be come to it more naturally. So, in all seriousness, taking good pictures is totally a challenge for your dating profile is totally a challenge for a guy. It totally is. I I have never myself Let's talk about that for a second.
SPEAKER_00:Like, do you recommend actually like taking some time, maybe getting with a friend and like doing some kind of photo shoot and maybe short of the professional photos, yeah, you could do that too, but but short of that, like put some thought into it. You're actually marketing yourself. So I struggle with this too, because I don't like to do selfies and I don't like people taking pictures of me. So but you gotta you're if you're marketing yourself, you gotta do something. Yes, yeah.
SPEAKER_02:So I have found I've tried I've tried it a few different ways. When I go out with a friend to do an impromptu like photo shoot for my dating profile, it never comes out looking natural or good. It it just it just doesn't. And then I actually get comments on, I've gotten comments on the pictures like, so what's with the picture of? And and it it totally comes through as not authentic. Now, I have never paid for the professional photographs on profiles, but I have heard very, very promising, you know, good feedback from clients of mine and other people I've talked to that have paid for it, uh, both men and women. Uh you can usually tell that the that the photos aren't exactly 100% just natural, you know, while you're out. It doesn't matter. If you show up looking in really good light and people are swiping right, they see that you take more pride in your appearance, that's a good start. That's a good start. I think what it comes, I think, I think at the root of this though, is we have to ask ourselves, okay, I don't really like taking selfies. That's fine. But do you want women to see to have a window into your life? I've talked in the past about giving concrete examples and illustrations. Well, nothing, you know, picture is worth a thousand words. Yeah. Nothing, nothing tells people more about who you are, who you hang out with, what you do, what your vibe is, how tall you actually are, than a photo of you with other people. No, seriously. I women are like, is he really 5'10? Is he really 6'2? Well, you take a picture with other people around you, especially women, and you now know, you know, what what how tall this guy really is. Open yourself up to that. It it's it's we tend to be as men kind of a little reserved in that area, but you're advertising, you're marketing yourself, like you said. Remember that when you're in these moments and go, you know what? Yeah, let's grab a picture because I want to show off the like that I have.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. And on on the on the flip side, I always appreciate when I see if a woman, her profile has done something nice, even if it's not natural. Like you can, like you said, you can you can tell, but that's never that's never been a turnoff for me. That's just right exactly what you said. I'm like, oh, she seems to to care and she's put her put she puts herself to you know, puts herself together well and looks good, and she can do that. She knows how to do that. She's taken the time, spent the money. Like that's all positive. There's nothing that for me, there's nothing negative. So I would think that's the flip side, flip side is as well.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, we like to see how good, you know, you look really good when you clean yourself up. You know, we want to see that side. Right. One last thing I would I would throw in there is, you know, so this is a bit of a spring cleaning on the photos. Show them to women. And I believe there are services online that you can put out your photos and get anonymous, like hot or not, on pictures. Oh, really? We yeah, we have we have I the names of them aren't coming to mind to me immediately here, but there are we have a perception of ourselves of where we look good, but that's based from our internal perspective and our internal self-image. We care about how women respond to our photos, get women to weigh in, more than one woman. Heck, this might even be a decent way to approach a woman or strike up a conversation at a bar going, hey, these are the ones. Now, I what I would do if you're gonna do this, I would plan ahead, not not bring up your dating profile right there. That doesn't work. What you want to have is a little folder on your phone in your photos that is specifically your dating profile pictures, and just go, hey, can I get your opinion on this? You know, it's it's the new year. I'm really looking to meet somebody. You know, you seem like an attractive woman. I'd love to get your take on which of these photos look the best of me. Nice. Notice how I worked in a little bit of a compliment. Notice, but what I'm really focused on is her sense of style and attraction. I'm asking for her opinion. I'm asking for her place as a as a woman. And and then implicitly, she's like, Well, why aren't you hitting on me? Could be part of what's going on in her head. And she's like, Oh, this guy is flexible. This guy is open, he's he's open to feedback, he wants to do better, he's looking to put his best foot forward, he's looking to make an effort. All of these really, really good way in January. When you find yourself in the situation, have that little folder of pictures ready on your phone. Ask women, hey, can I get your can I get your take on which one of these are the best? And see what goes. See where it goes.
SPEAKER_00:There you go, guys. There's your there's your cold approach for January this year. That's and and and so work work that one and get back to us on on the success of of that. I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure if Dallas is suggesting it, it'll it'll work really well. But yeah, that's that's fun. Okay, so so you hit on resolution number two already, which is the the the height inflation embargo, I'm calling it, right? We're this year, we're gonna stop doing math on our dating profiles. If you're 5'9, you're 5'9. If you're 5'11, you're not 5'11 in Timberlands, right? You're 5'9, you're not six foot on a good day, because when you show up on a date and you're looking up her nostrils and her chin and she's wearing flash, she's gonna know that you're not actually 5'11. So we're resolved to own our short king or our medium king status, right? No more lying.
SPEAKER_02:Yep, absolutely. And and no more lying on the profiles, and let's let's counterbalance this with give yourself every inch of pride and self-confidence that you should have in your posture. Get used to breathing deeply. You know, uh you and I actually mentioned at the last QA session with the guys, you know, how you know there's a little bit, we were talking about exercise routines and all that, and I mentioned qigong. Yeah, nothing has helped my posture more than practicing qigong. And the thing, so there's the shoulders back, there's feeling like there's a thread at the top of your head that pulls you up. And even if your your height actually does change slightly when you do that, but more than that, you're that you have that kingly presence about you, and that's actually the feeling that women you know are looking for. Small secret that took me a long time to understand, and this this comes from Qigong and Kung Fu, is rotating your hips slightly forward, like you're tucking your tailbone underneath you. You rot that rotate that under slightly, guys, almost immediately you lose one notch on your belt. You're because your stuff your core gets engaged, your stomach gets engaged, and and it and it again it flattens you out, gets you a little more washboard or closer to the washboard, and it improves your posture overall. Posture, I mean, I I I think every man will agree that a woman with a good posture is really hot. You know, I mean, a woman that sits up straight, she has that small of the back showing off, you know, she's incredibly attractive physically, but also it shows a pride, it shows a it a woman just looks so hot when she has good posture. Men, it's the same thing, but we're showing off a radiant strength when we're doing it.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, I think I think the height thing with guys is a bigger deal to guys than it is to women, at least the women that that that I talk to. You hear, and we and we teased a little bit last week about how all the women want somebody six foot or more, and only four percent of the population is six foot or four. So they're just not gonna get it, right? Which I think a lot of them do know, even if that is one of the criteria that they want. So do you do you do you agree with that or do you disagree with that?
SPEAKER_02:Un unfortunately, it is a heck of a bias with women. Interesting. I have I've heard it over and over. And okay, you're let's just say the first this first point.
SPEAKER_00:Biased or or or deal breaker, because I I think there is a bias that they it's a bias, but they do want that, but is it a deal breaker?
SPEAKER_02:Right. Okay, and and you you were you're leading me right into the point I wanted to make. The bias is a deal breaker when you're doing online dating apps. The bias is not necessarily a deal breaker when she gets to experience you in person with your full posture, your full power, your full confidence, your full kingly presence in person. Again, coming back to you know, that example, if I'm in a bar and I ask a woman which one of these would be the most attractive, you know, which pictures do you think are the most attractive for my dating profile? She's not saying, Oh, well, by the way, how tall are you? That's she's you've already short-circuited that in her brain and got her thinking about other things. The it's more of a bias than a real deal breaker. You know, the what women say they want, and then who a woman ends up being committed to. A lot of times we're like, really? You picked him? Really?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, lots of times. I see that.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. And so so the trick is to sidestep the filters. And the filters are happening far more in the in the virtual world than they are in the real world.
SPEAKER_00:Right, right. Okay. So so you you confirmed what I didn't say very well, which was in in reality, that that bias doesn't necessarily play, especially if you're showing up how you describe you, you care yourself well, you're articulate, like you've got your life together. Man, it's just it that's that that that six foot plus bias goes way down the list of deal breakers if you're showing up like that.
SPEAKER_02:When you make her laugh, she will she will adjust, she will adjust accordingly. Really? Yeah, dude.
SPEAKER_00:Like how many comedians get chicks? And like there's not a ton of great-looking comedians out there, right? Yeah, totally. But they get lots of chicks for sure. Absolutely. Yeah, okay.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, and oh, forgot the last point.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. That's okay. We'll we'll move on to to resolution number three, and that's the the wardrobe intervention. And we've gone, we've done, we've done a whole, we did a whole episode of this, but resolution number three will retire the divorced dad uniform. The one, you know, the cargo shorts that have more pockets than you have friends, the polo shirt tucked into the jeans with the braided belts, yeah, the transition lenses that don't transition fast enough when you walk inside and you're eating appetizers with like with uh your shades on, right? So we gotta burn the cargo shorts and we gotta upgrade.
SPEAKER_02:We do. And I'm surprised this one should be resolution number two. Get the wardrobe, you know, purged, cleaned up, and upgraded. In no particular order. Okay, no particular order. Sorry, didn't mean to pick on. Yeah, yeah. Okay, I'm gonna add to that. Stop wearing the most comfortable sneakers you can find. Or crocs. Throw those away. Yeah, let's go with that. Or sandals that say I don't care, or I look like you know, you're wearing those puma strap things, like I look like I just came out of a gym. You haven't been on the football team in 28 years. Doesn't work anymore. That only works when you're 23 and below, okay? Yeah, and you're literally carrying a big lacrosse bag over your shoulder. That's the only time that works. Um, seriously, though, the two items that that women notice first, shoe wear and if you're wearing a watch, your watch. Those are the two items that women notice first in a man's attire. Starting at the bottom, I look, I I I also check out a guy's shoes immediately, and I can't help but sort guys into certain buckets based on that. If you're wearing a, you know, just a pair of sneakers because they look comfortable. I'm I'm sorry, but like either wear some kind of more fashionable sneaker. You know, I wear the old school pumas that just have, you know, the one stripe on the side, you know, or you get yourself some Adidas, or you, you know, or you you make it a little more European and doesn't you don't know what Italian shop that came out of. Like, that's a style that can work, but that's not the same as the casual sneaker that you would wear when you're a tourist and you're walking nine nine hours a day.
SPEAKER_00:Running shoes or the jogging shoes that got the thick sole on them and they got some bright colors, yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Absolutely. That's fine for moving day when you're loading up that van and you're taking stuff up and down the stairs. It is not okay when you're going to the holiday party. It's not. If if you're looking to meet women. And but I would say also, really, if you're a grown man, wear some leather on your feet, wear some dress shoes. You know, there's all kinds of different different ways to go about it. Same thing with the boots. You know, you know, pick nice boots and take care of them. Nothing says I take pride in myself, my home, my domain, and everyone that I care for, which is potentially you, young woman, more than a man that shines his shoes.
SPEAKER_00:Oh, yeah. Absolutely positively. I would say that is one thing I probably get the most comments on from women is like shoe wear. I love Chelsea boots. So I think and I think Chelsea boots are a great investment. Go invest in some Chelsea boots. You can wear them with jeans, you can wear them with suits, you can wear them like cat, like cat. You can't wear them shorts. Please don't wear them with your cargo shorts. But but like they're very, very versatile. And like you said, leather, invest in them. You're gonna you're gonna have them for years and years and years and take care of them. Man, women just go crazy about that. And it's just something, it's like it's not very expensive, right? Like you can find stuff for for for reasonably priced and for the amount of time that you're gonna you're gonna be wearing them. It's amazing.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, and to come all the way back to the episode where we talked about this, get that full-length mirror if you don't have it. Yeah, because you need to check out, you know, from head to toe, how does everything come together and ask yourself honestly, am I looking the best that I could? And go ask a woman. Yep. Absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_00:What do you think of what do you think of these shoes?
SPEAKER_02:Or or do you like these another So I I do that all the time when I'm out shopping. Usually when I go shopping, I'm by myself. I will I very, very regularly ask a woman, what do you think of this jacket? What do you think of these shoes? And I'm again, I'm not saying, oh, hey, you're beautiful and I'm hitting on you. I'm engaging her one, I because I'm I'm I'm I'm validating her sense of style, just I'm assuming that she's got style. I'm asking her for input. I'm showing that I'm vulnerable. And if I wanted to make a move, that's a great place to do it from. Ask the women while you're out shopping. And even if they're with somebody, just practice. Uh, last time I bought a jacket, I was out, there was a woman with her husband, and I said, Hey, excuse me. And I did this intentionally, even though I wasn't with somebody. I said, Hey, excuse me, my girlfriend isn't here with me. Can I borrow you to Let me, you know, to get your sense of style. And the guy laughed. You know, the husband's there. And because I'm acknowledging, not hitting on his wife, but it opens it up. I'm flirting with the world. I'm playing with the world. Um it's always good practice to uh to just do that. Right. Let's talk.
SPEAKER_00:Well, let's talk a little bit more too about accessories, because I think that's something that guys do not do not think enough about. And shoes aren't necessarily accessories, but they can really, like you, like you said, depending on w what kind you get and and what you do, can really have a statement about your personality and and who you are. That goes the same for accessories, which like I like a lot of jewelry. I like rings, I like bracelets, I like necklaces. So so I do that a lot. And I get teased a lot about it too, which is fine, but I I like that. But the other thing, like you mentioned watches too, which is a really straightforward, simple, easy thing to get a decent watch, right? Like, don't go get one of the like the swimming Casio watches with the calculators on them and everything else. I'd also say the Apple watches and all those stupid smart watches, like it's so cliche. Just like get rid of those. I I don't like them. So you and maybe you say something different about that, but find yourself something that's a classic looking watch, a leather band, maybe, and have it something that you wear every day. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. So I I I love watches. I I would actually say at this point I'm a bit of a watch collector. Not super high-end expensive ones, but still good quality and very stylish. I love having watches that really go with my outfit. It's it's my one piece of jewelry that I wear. But here's the thing that you and I have in common you wear necklaces, rings, bracelets, and you say you get teased about it. Okay, what you don't get is ignored. And that is that is what men want. Men want women to respond to their presence. And you're also giving women or people in general something to talk about and comment on in what you wear. If you're wearing all generic, boring stuff with casual tennis running shoes, well, what is there to comment on? And for me, I usually, very rarely do people actually see me wearing the same watch twice, the same person often doesn't see me wearing the same watch twice. That's part of what a lot of friends actually look forward to is what watch is Dallas wearing and how does it go with what he's wearing on the rest of his body, his shoes, his belt, his shirt, his pants, and the occasion that we're having. It's it's an automatic conversation piece. And plenty of times when I'm out in public, you know, when I'm chatting with a woman at a bar, at a coffee shop, on a date, you know, at a networking event, that watch gives them an excuse to make a comment or a compliment to me on what I'm wearing. It's it's useful stuff. It really is. It's again, it's the miniature version of what they call peacocking in the pickup artist community.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, and and so let's just describe that briefly. Peacocking is just like what pe when peacocks are are trying to attract a mate, they like have all these beautiful feathers, so they're popping them up. And they and that's what peacocking is is we're putting something on that attracts people or gains attention or something to to create conversation, like you said. Like I'm not you're right. I've never ignored they're like, oh, what's on your bracelet, or oh, what is that? What is it on your ring, or where did you get that? Or oh, that's an interesting necklace. Like, yeah, all like all even if they do tease me, like you have more jewelry on than I do, it's a conversation piece all the time. So so find us, and this is not expensive, like you can find stuff at the thrift store, you can find inexpensive stuff, just find stuff that that you like that that speaks to you. Hats, another one. That's a great, great one. I love hats as well. I didn't know we had the the the the common watch fetish thing, too. So we'll have to we'll have to talk about that offline too, because I've got a whole like box of and collection of of mine too. So but but it's yeah, it doesn't have to be expensive. It's easy. Find something that that that you like that's uh that's interesting, that speaks to your your your kind of personality, and then then use it. And that can go a long way in mitigating if you just can't put a like you can just like a t-shirt, like you've got a really straightforward, like put together good like jeans and t-shirt, and you know, what you dress that up with maybe a fedora in the summer or bracelets or something like it gives you a little possession, it makes you different from the hundred other guys that she's gonna be looking at and throughout throughout the day. And it's just gonna give her pause or a reason to talk with.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. I mean, you know, to to dissect my wardrobe personally here for just a minute. I like I like the fitted t-shirt and slightly fitted jeans. We're not talking skinny jeans, but I I stay in shape. I want women to notice my body. That's that's how I pick that. Now, I also, by not putting a whole lot into the shirt and pants, what I want to show off is the shoes and usually leather jacket that I'm wearing. Yeah, those are the more stylish pieces that I'm wearing. Again, very simple, not a whole, not a whole lot of busyness going on. And then the other thing that jumps out is the watch. And women can see the shape of what they're looking at, they can see the you know the package that I have, and and they like it. And I vary it slightly depending on uh the situation that I'm in. But for the most part, I stay within a pretty simple range and and I get I get good results with it.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, man, and it's your and it's your look and it looks great, right? So I I'm just gonna I'm gonna tell the guys to go to our episode because we go into like a lot of this stuff in in in pretty specific detail, but I don't think one episode that we did actually talk about accessories and stuff. So I think that's why I wanted to to to to dive into that because it's really really easy and it's a really great thing. And I I think it's fun, like you can find lots of fun stuff. I make my jewelry sometimes too, which is so fun. With the daughters, right?
SPEAKER_02:Bring them around the coffee table, yeah.
SPEAKER_00:I know we literally do, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've made bracelets and necklaces and stuff like that, and then I then I've done that for women, like made them jewelry, and then that's like that, yeah, that's a fun thing. Very personal, that's fun, very personal, shows a huge amount of like uh attention and and effort and care about who they are and what they are, and and it's an easy thing to do. And if you'd like to do something, if you're creative, you like to do creative stuff, then it's you know it's enjoyable for you too. So, anyway, well, we have way digressed.
unknown:Yep.
SPEAKER_00:Uh let's keep it going. So let's let's hit resolution number four, which is the crazy ex narrative. Number four, and this is a big one, guys. Listen up and pay attention. We resolve to stop telling the my ex is crazy story on the first date, all right? Maybe she is crazy, all right? That's okay. I understand. But and but when you tell a woman that you that you just met, that your ex is psycho, all she hears is I take zero accountability for my past relationship. I'll definitely talk trash talk about you when I leave here, right? So swap out the she was crazy for we just grew apart. Okay, or at least wait until like date five.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. Okay, I think you really hit on it when when you're in the early stages of dating and really throughout, because women never stop testing us. Women are looking, are looking, how do you talk about your exes? How do you talk about other people? Do you trash talk behind their back? Because they're wondering if this doesn't work out with me, how is he going to talk about me?
SPEAKER_01:Right.
SPEAKER_02:That's really what she's looking at when she looks at how you're talking about your past exes. A couple other items I would put in with that. One, if you're still stewing and brewing and angry and bitter about that, you've got more work to do. And you know, do you want to be with a woman that is still all angry at her ex? The truth is a good portion of her is not available to you as a new relationship because it's still tied up in anger and resentment with a past relationship. You know, you know that if she's always bitching about you know her ex, you're not gonna get you don't have a lot of her available to connect with. And the last thing is where your focus goes, your energy flows. If your focus, particularly when you're on a date with her, is talking about resentment or nostalgia or whatever, is in the past, your your energy is going there. You need to positively embrace what you're looking forward to out in front of you, and how you are, and again, I I say this regularly, but it bears repeating because a lot of men slip into negative talk patterns really quickly. You need to positively embrace, make it attractive what it is that you're looking for. So when you're talking about past relationships, you know, you're you say, yeah, you know, we grew apart, this wasn't the right fit. I went into it with certain assumptions, we were, you know, maybe a little young and foolish and didn't really uh you know explore the important topics. But more importantly, here's what I'm looking for going forward. Here's what I've discovered that I want. The kind of life I want is way more playful than than what I had before. What I'm looking for, and you start painting a positive picture of the future that you're potentially inviting this woman into. Right. Those are that you want to be sharing.
SPEAKER_00:Would you say at least at least in the very beginning, it it's best to just keep it general and keep it light, like answer the questions without without too much detail. And and we've all run into the woman who's literally got the the like 20 questions, and she's she's you know, she's going at you DA style on that first date. And and you know, and and usually I'll be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, you've hit your mat, you know, you've hit your quota of DA style questions, or I'll like I'll make a joke about it, but just keep it light and keep it general in in in the beginning. Would you agree? Would you agree with that? I would agree with that. And it adds a little mystery too, right? Like, yeah, if you're not gonna go into detail and you're kind of joking about you know stuff a little bit, that's gonna, you know, get her you know, mind going a little bit.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. And and to your point, if you're being grilled DA style, you need to demonstrate that you've got a very strong frame and firm boundaries. And then you're gonna tell her, you know, I've got no problem talking about this, but let's wait until we know each other a little more before we dig into that. And I'm I'm telling her, hey, I want to get to know you more before I get more vulnerable. A woman likes a man that's not necessarily looking to jump right into every bit of intimacy.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:And and she might be thinking about it more from a physical and sexual place, but you're demonstrating it more from a psychological and emotional place. And she's going to think, wow, this guy understands what it means to take your time getting to know somebody and opening up in time.
SPEAKER_00:It's like an onion peeling, like be that onion. Like let like like let those layers come away slowly and enjoy that process, right? It doesn't have to be all at once, it all gets out laid out on the table. Like that's part of the excitement of dating, is for both of you, peeling that onion and having your onion peeled is I guess there's no better way to say that. There are better ways to say that. I'm sure there is a better way to say that, but you know what I'm you know what I'm getting at, right? Like, so so you know. Jude's new resolution is to get his onion peeled.
SPEAKER_01:Jesus, yes.
SPEAKER_00:Okay. Onward. Resolution number six. I can't even go anywhere with that, Dell. Uh the texting hygiene. We resolved to stop texting, just hey, or you up. We're grown men, we have mortgages. Some of us might be on cholesterol medication. We can form full sentences, all right? Stop using the winky face emoji. It's not charming, it's weird. Looks like you have something in your eye, or maybe you're planning a crime. What do you think?
SPEAKER_02:Right. Yes, texting hygiene. So texting is an integral part of today's communication. Um, that means you need to do it well. And the way you do it shows a little bit your style. Are you more sloppy? Are you more formal? Are you more playful? Are you, you know, whatever it is. You can pick your style, you know, of texting. One of the things I would put in there, use emojis sparingly as a man and only use a couple of them. Um let her be more expressive in the emojis. I'm I'm and here I'm pointing the finger myself. I have a tendency to want to use emojis.
SPEAKER_00:I was just gonna say I was gonna be, I was gonna be vulnerable here and be honest too. Like I struggle with that too. I like I like emojis.
SPEAKER_02:I do I do I do too. And I and there's there's a couple rule, there's a couple of rules that I have in my head, is they need to not be about emotion that I'm feeling. They need to be about the impact of the moment, almost a little bit, almost shock value in in the moment. So, you know, a shocked face or you know, the blown top head of the top of the head emoji, right? The upside down smiley face. You know, you can you can use these, but use them sparingly. And I would say here's a here is a situation where if you find yourself using more emojis than she is, you might want to dial that back. Yeah, so you might be being more emotionally expressive, emojiing expressive than she is, but dial that back and make sure that you can make yourself understood with plain old periods, question marks, exclamation points. And uh the other piece that comes into the texting is proofread. Do not babble in speech to text into your phone, assume that it gets it right and sends it off. Yeah, you can, I mean, speech to text, I use it all the time, but before I hit send, I go back and I proofread and I edit, I capitalize, I use periods, I use punctuation. I don't always use full sentences, but I tidy it up. Punctuation is to texting what hygiene is to your physical body. You want to show that you are clean, you've you've tidied it all up. You're not just a mess that's happening. And should we say it? Probably should. If you have a tendency to text things when you're under the influence that you wouldn't otherwise text, maybe you should resolve to do that pretty much not away.
SPEAKER_00:Put your phone away if you're drinking. Let's just say it and make it a rule. Don't text when you're lubricated.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
unknown:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Don't we're back to peeling the onion again. So we need to go on to the next one. Yeah, it's gonna be, yeah, it's good, it's gonna end up bad. So I think that's a that's a fair one to to say. Okay. I think we're yeah, we're in agreement on on that one, and I'm gonna have to use your your guidelines around. I like the winky, the like the winky face, and that's why I put it in there because it's so cringe, but and then I just I can't help myself sometimes. So I might have to get some therapy around that. That might be my resolution this year. Okay, resolution number seven. The the the cracks me up. The cool dad slang ban. We will stop trying to use Gen Z slang to impress a date. Do not say a restaurant has Riz. Do not say the appetizer was bussing. And if you and if you say no cap, I'm gonna basically come through this microphone and come to your house and confiscate your freaking grill. Okay. You sound like Steve Buscemi with the skateboard meme, right? Let's just speak English, full sentences, none of that crap. Now, I do it with my teens just to screw with them, but let's not do it on a date.
SPEAKER_02:Okay, and I would say it's fine to use it, but you use it ironically. You use it, you use it for humor. You use it because you're laughing at yourself that you're using a word that is not part of your vocabulary. Um, I 100% agree. If you're trying to use this to appear younger, I mean, that's the equivalent of like a bad hair dye job, you know? It's like it's nothing wrong with dyeing your hair as a man if you do it well. But you do it wrong. I mean, it screams I'm trying to look younger than I am. Not not the look that you're going for. What you want to do is be really, really solid in the age that you are, in the decade you were born, in the style that you have. You want to own it. A man that owns that well and brings good, solid material to the table is going to be attractive to younger women. And then you sprinkle in, yeah, no, that wasn't, yeah, that wasn't the best Riz I've ever used. And you you but you use it ironically, you know, and you're laughing at it, you're inviting her to laugh at you. It shows that you're what and what that does is when you use it ironically, it diffuses the tension between uh between an age gap.
unknown:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:You're you're because if you're like, oh, you know, you're why do you guys have all these words, you know, that are like stupid abbreviations or yo, this is dumb. When you're saying dumb, you're criticizing where they're coming from. And you're doing, you know, and even if you're not saying it, you know, there's a there's a tension possibly built in. When you're like, when you're teasing yourself about it, and again, I'm not I'm not teasing her about it, I'm teasing myself about it. That releases the tension and shows I'm perfectly fine and I accept you, you know, you know, you you beautiful younger woman. I'm accepting you where you are, and you know, and I'm happy with it because you also want to be sure that she's happy accepting you coming where you're from. Yeah, using that vocabulary should be a relief valve and use for humor, not in an attempt to try to appear younger.
SPEAKER_00:You know, I've got a funny story just about a month ago. I was in a business meeting with another male counterpart about our age, and he dropped like three or four of these. And I was like, and I didn't even know what to do. I was I was trying to figure out if he was trying if he's trying to be ironic or if he wasn't, but after like the third or fourth one, he was not, and I could almost I could almost not contain myself, like, dude, you're you're you're way too old to be talking about Riz and and everything else. Like it's this so it was the per I wish I would have like it's one of those things you wish you had on video so you could like privately tell people this is what you shouldn't do, yeah, because this is horrible.
SPEAKER_02:So unless this is a marketing strategy meeting, you know, and you're working on a campaign targeted, you know, to people in their 20s. Yes, you should not be using it that way.
SPEAKER_01:Okay.
SPEAKER_00:Number eight, the therapist date. We resolved to not treat the first date like an unpaid therapy session. She's there for the margarita and maybe some nachos, okay? She's not there to help you process that your mother didn't hug you enough or that you feel unmoored in your 40s. Yep. So save the trauma dumping for a professional. And maybe, like, you know, with the crazy X, wait until date five or six. Yep.
SPEAKER_02:Yep. What do you think? 100% behind it. Uh, this this is a situation where boundaries are good. You want to limit the amount that you're sharing. Uh, if it seems to get in deeper and deeper, you know, maybe pull back on those reins and go, let's share a little more. I would say the goal when you're talking about past experiences, you know, and it gets into the sort of therapy session, uh, is what we're looking for is to is to create a sense of human relatability. We want connection with the person. And here's the thing like you said, we don't have to brack up the dump truck and just unload all the emotions in order to have the connection. What we know, what we need to find is a place where we get to relatability with each other, and we can both and here's the here's the key we can both laugh about it because it's part of what. Humans go through. This is part of the human experience. I'm laughing. Yeah, that didn't go so well with the ex. But I'm just, I'm laughing about it. I'm not picking on my ex. I'm not picking on me. I'm getting to the place where everybody can laugh. That is the place of the deepest connection you can have with another person. And you don't have to overshare to get there. You don't have to unpack it and go, yeah, I really need to work on, you know, my, you know, my anxious attachment style, you know, because my mom, you know, she would do this when I was younger. And then, you know, my dad wasn't there. And my older, yeah, what's you need to go into all that. You can go, yeah, yeah, we all, well, you know, sometimes we all slip into the way we were raised, sometimes, you know.
SPEAKER_00:Just yeah, just save that for therapy once you're married and yeah, and you're dealing with all that stuff.
SPEAKER_02:But but my but my point with with getting to the place of laughter is that when you can laugh about it, you are actually showing full vulnerability and simultaneously full acceptance, and you're sliding one of the best possible invitations you can across the table for the woman to get into a really close, real connection with you, even on a first date, even without sharing a ton of information.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, I think your your point about connection doesn't like it, it doesn't have to, and and I'm guilty of this. You do you don't have to go that deep to create a connection, right? And I like to have deep, meaningful conversations, but your first dates, like you gotta keep it light, keep it adventurous, keep it fun, keep it interesting, but also leave a little mystery. So if again, if you start getting into this, and again, I've I'm guilty of this all the time. Let's like start getting into a deep conversation, and I'm like, oh yeah, like let's talk about all the like the you know, it's almost like a trauma bonding session, then like and and you don't want that, right? So so I think that's a great point. You can create connection without having to go into some of this stuff, and also and and the best connection is a light, fun, general connection, right? That that that's just gonna be that she's gonna that's gonna keep her looking forward to the next time that you she gets to see you.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, it it it that's that is really what it comes down to. And you can ask yourself, you know, like as dads, I'm sure everyone really, really deeply understands the idea of age appropriate. As the child grows older, there is an age-appropriate way to share it, there's an age-appropriate way for them to understand it. This isn't really a term, so I'm just kind of throwing it out there. What is the the time appropriate in dating this woman? Is this is this appropriate for a first date? No, it's not. We're we're unloading too much. Is this appropriate after three to six months of dating? Yeah, probably. Because you want to go deeper. And you ask and and you let the depth of the connection grow, just like roots from a plant. You know, there's tiny, hardly any roots at all after the first or second date or the third date. There's really not that much. And if we think there is, it's a bit of infatuation that's happening. It takes time for those roots to grow all the way down and for that to happen. But the experience can be enjoyable, and and you can and you can already share the profundity of your own understanding and self-acceptance again through laughter. Being able to get to a place where we can relate with each other, you go, yeah, I want to be on the state again, and she's going to think that.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. Great. Okay. Resolution number nine, the kid introduction. We will stop introducing them to the kids after two weeks. All right. I this seems like oh, you'd be surprised, Alice. Like, oh, you know, the kids are gonna love her. Yes, kids like chicken nuggets, they like YouTube unboxing videos. Standards for the kids are pretty low, so just understand that your standards have to be different. And because she joked or she laughed at your dad joke, doesn't mean she's your next stepmom. Keep the world separate until at least you know her middle name and or your and or her credit score, okay? Yep.
SPEAKER_02:Dude, you come up with some great concrete details. I hope you're writing stuff like this on your dating profile. Not the negative spin, but until you know, you know, chicken chick, kids love chicken nuggets. And yo, I just want to point out for all the dads listening, this episode and last week's episode, the stalking stuffer one. Listen to the humor that Jude is putting out. The reason it's funny is because of all of the explicitly narrative concrete details that you're putting out. Jude, these are perfect examples of the types of humor that men should be putting on their profile. Now, we have to, we have to scrub it clean of you know, of the angry vibe. You know, you don't want to be putting that on the profile. But these are good examples of how you use a concrete detail to really illustrate something and provoke a response in a person.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, and you don't have to look, I'm not, I don't consider myself funny, right? Like I'm not, I'm there, I'm never gonna go to comedy, but just life has got so many silly ass things that if you if you stop and and and do what we've talked about, which is kind of tune into to life, get your stuff stuff in order, you can start finding just a buttload of humor in everything that happens all throughout the day. And if you yeah, if you can show up in that in that humor, and look, like don't don't don't get me wrong. Like my days, like I got into a shouting match driving yesterday with some asshole that was driving like a douchebag. Okay, so like I'm not like light and happy, like one of those guys that's light and happy all the light, but like you can find the the humor and fun in life, no matter the stresses, the difficulties, the challenges, right? Because we are going through that as dads and during this transition. But and and that's gonna be kind of our our our next one, number 10, which is you know, have some optimism. Like we're gonna actually have fun with this. So let's just talk about that with and we can talk about kid introduction and and and the opposite and and optimism. Like it's easy to be cynical, it's easy to be bitter, but if we can just stop treating dating like a job or a job interview and just enjoy it and have fun, man, it is like gonna be it's so it's it's so much different.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. I'm I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say the resolution here on this one, which is a really important one, is I would say show up in a positive, playful way, regardless of how she shows up.
SPEAKER_00:Yes.
SPEAKER_02:Don't don't adapt to her if she's showing up DA style with a bunch of questions, if she's showing up super jaded and cynical, if she's showing up or she doesn't show up at all and just you know, and just you know, ghosts you, you know, on that first date. Do not let her vibe. Let's throw into this also women that are the boss babes and that are being super masculine and have to take charge of that table and everything about it. What whatever the challenge is for you, do not let them pull you into their vibe and their space. You need to lead at the very least your life and the life of your children in the way that you think is going to be the most beneficial experience that you can.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:For them for the most part, that's going to be a little more lighthearted. It's going to be a little more easy-going. It's it's going to have a an aspect of lift to it, life-giving lift. When you walk into every room and when you walk into that date, you want to have the resolution that that's what you bring to the table. And if that woman doesn't know what to do with it, excuse yourself from the table table sooner rather than later. And do not let do not let the status quo of dating out there, which is pretty jaded, it's pretty exhausted, it's pretty spent. All the women are pointing their fingers at men, all the men are pointing their fingers at women. Nobody's gonna get anywhere this way. You have to show up looking to add lift to a woman's life and invite her in to that kind of a dynamic that you're bringing and you're practicing on a daily basis. Obviously, like you say, Jude, it's it's like we say it like it's easy. It's not, it's work. You know, I, you know, you mentioned a you know, road rage moment. Like I have that all the time when I'm in traffic. Is how do I, and I I don't start yelling with guys, but I still get frustrated or angry or I feel self-righteous at a certain point, and I have to practice letting it go. I have to practice like Dallas, just let the guy drive around, you know, move over, let him go. I'm I'm going to come out the other end of that exchange. It is a much better version, much more enjoyable version of myself.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Because you want to have that when you're when you're showing up on the date.
SPEAKER_00:Well, and I think the key word that you said in all of that is practice. It's it takes practice in how you're gonna show up dating, just like it takes practice in how you're gonna show up being a good father, how it takes practice in just getting through this transition period in in your life, going from from married to uh to a single dad. So so it's it's something that just takes intentionality and and working on. So like Dal said, give yourself a little bit of grace uh around this because it is a a transition and it's a challenging transition time, but keep practicing it. So keep practicing that that mindset, just like you've got to practice how to get into the mindset when you're when your kids are on. You're gonna do the same thing when when you're out on on a date. You're gonna get yourself prepared mentally and and emotionally to to do that and hopefully find some fun, even in. I mean, maybe we need to do some an episode on on crazy, crazy dates, right? Like whether she goes, if she doesn't show up or like I had one in the middle of the day literally just get up and say, Oh, I forgot I have an interview right now and leave, right? Like, and then and then the best part of it is like an hour later, she texts me, oh, the interview went great. And I'm like, What in the like you know, you just gotta laugh about some of the shit because it's so so you you just and and and it's just life. And and and some people are a little bit kooky. Take some, but it's good. Then you've got a story like you can tell your friends or on a podcast or or or or something like that. It's just life.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna add on top of your practicing it. Yes, it takes practice, and that's that's the behavior that we're doing. And what we're doing when we're practicing is we're training and conditioning ourselves to be the way that we want to be. That practicing behavior goes deeper and it creates a different state inside of ourselves. We're training our body to be in a certain state, and we're conditioning ourselves to be in a certain state. And if we're passive in the process, we're gonna just pick that up from the environment around us.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:And and even even deeper than the training and conditioning, we're building strength for it. The fact that the world around us, especially the social media world and geez, the dating app world, is so it's so dragging, it's such a drag on everybody that we have to develop a strength through practicing and conditioning and training ourselves. We have to develop a strength and resilience to be able to stand up against it and not let it take us down. And that that takes a lot of practice together.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, and and but but guys, we are we are men, we've got a masculine nature, and you are inherently built to to to have that strength. So just know that it's it's with it's within you. You just got to bring it out, and and you can bring it out. I see it all the time with guys. I know that you see it all the time with guys in the dating scene and and getting out there and doing field work. So it's absolutely there, guys. And and that's part of the reason why we're here. We just we want to help guide that and and and have a little fun with you as well, which which I hope you I hope you found some some humor in us poking, poking some you know, poking at the the the guys. Uh we're equal opportunity here, and we know as dads that's you know, we got uh we gotta just have fun. We just gotta laugh at ourselves sometimes.
SPEAKER_02:You know, and when it comes to these challenges that we're working through and showing up the way that we want to show up at a date, like that's the deeper work. Every client that I work with, every every man that I encounter, and we start talking about dating a strategy, they're always asking, you know, where do I meet the woman? What do I say to her? You know, where do I go? They're asking about very tactical level questions that have to do with their interaction with a woman. The real questions that are difficult is how do I change the state inside of myself into the one that I enjoy as a man? But it takes it takes men a long time to realize when you're enjoying your life as a man, your your dating game goes through the roof.
SPEAKER_01:Yep.
SPEAKER_02:When you are enjoying yourself, when you're walking through life like a winner, like you figured out how this game works, and you're just kind of skipping down the sidewalk because you you found, you know, the lucky, you know, you found Willy Wonka's golden ticket, you know. When you're walking through life like that, your dating game is is easy. It it's it's not, I mean, there are tactics, of course, and there's all these details that we have. The truth is, though, is how do we get to that state inside of ourselves? And I'm just gonna mention there are no more going on in 2025. But in 2026, if you have not yet been to one of our live QA calls, join us for the one in January. Come to the table. You can ask all the questions you want about the dating and how to interact with women. But if you're looking for how to get to a more positive state inside of yourselves, we'd love to jump into those questions too.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, jump into those questions and then I'd say even take it to the next level, which is is is get involved in in the coaching and and the group stuff and and and start getting out there with with other guys. Because then uh, you know, you and I were talking yesterday, Dallas, a little bit about being out in the field. And when you get to to be out there and you get to spend time with a with a guy like Dallas or or other guys that have really achieved that and and gotten to that level, just what just like anything, watching somebody and uh and learning from from somebody that's that's really there, there's no better way to pick up on that. And it's just really enjoyable and impressive to to watch, right? It's like uh somebody that's uh honed themselves into something that that you want. Same as if you see somebody at the gym and and you're doing that. So you know get in get involved at black box dating, go to the divorced advocate.com. Uh our event page has uh those those Q ⁇ A's you can add it right to to your calendar. And please, guys, leave us a star rating and and even better a comment because the algorithms just go off. We continue to to grow the podcast, and and our goal is to just have this be continue to be free, to continue to provide you guys some port some support going through this, and we're looking forward to a really fantastic 2026. So Dallas, have a have an incredible, happy new year. Everybody listening, have a happy new year.
SPEAKER_02:Thank you, dude. I just I want to say I love the resolutions we have going into 2026. I love how we also kind of did a new year's recap of 2025 best hits of the episodes. We worked that in really well. Yeah, and yeah, to all the dads listening out there, happy new year, and look forward to talking to you again in 2026. Take care.
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