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Dads Dating After Divorce
Dating after divorce isn’t what it used to be—especially when you’re a dad. The rules have changed, the world has changed, and now you’ve got kids in the mix. Join Dallas and Jude as they share real-world strategies and insights from their work with dads and men at BlackBoxDating.com and TheDivorcedDadvocate.com.
Dads Dating After Divorce
29 - Choosing One Woman: How to Avoid the "Nice Guy" Commitment Trap
The jump from casual dates to a committed relationship after divorce isn’t about perfect timing or a clever script—it’s about self-leadership. We dig into how divorced dads can date with purpose, protect their finite resources, and choose exclusivity for the right reasons: depth, clarity, and real connection. Recreational dating has a place when you’re rebuilding, but it shouldn’t be a cover for avoiding intimacy or postponing your own growth. We talk through a practical one-year guideline—passing through all four seasons post-divorce—to establish a stable baseline with your kids, your work, and your routines so you’re not promising depth while your life is still in flux.
From there, we get precise. Set sober criteria away from the high of the date: How physically drawn am I to her? How much do I enjoy her company? Could I see her in a long-term context, and one day near my kids? Lead by example before you label the relationship. When one woman stands out, reallocate your energy toward her without burdening her: better invitations, steadier presence, cleaner signals. Learn to read her responses—availability, warmth, follow-through—rather than pushing for a title. When exclusivity comes up, make it explicit and simple. Share your truth first: I stopped asking other women out because I like where this is going. Then pause and let her meet you there.
We also unpack avoidant dynamics—when someone enjoys the perks but resists intimacy—and how to set boundaries without accusations by painting a clear, attractive vision of the connection you want. Exclusivity, done right, creates safety that opens emotional and sexual depth; it’s the space where you truly learn if this relationship belongs in your family’s future. Most of all, your leadership lives in the hours she’s not around: purpose, fitness, craft, and fatherhood. Build the man who doesn’t need exclusivity to feel whole, and commitment starts to feel like a celebration, not a cage. If this resonates, subscribe, share with a dad who needs it, and leave a review to help more men find the show.
Hello, and welcome to Dad's Dating After Divorce, the only podcast that helps you, Dads, in the wild west of dating after divorce. My name is Jude Sandval. I am your co-host and the founder of The Divorced Advocate. And as always, my co-host, other co well, I guess other co-host means other, right? Other co-host is Dallas Bluth, the founder of Black Box Dating. Dallas, sorry, man. Like I was saying, it's been it's been a we've been on a break. I've been on a break here. I know you've been, I don't know, maybe breaking. You sound like you've been busier than I have through the through the holidays here. But uh yeah, pretty much I think me, my brain, my lips, it feels like my tongue and everything has been on break. So bear with me here. That was not the smoothest of introductions for you, my friend. I apologize.
SPEAKER_02:Well, good. Happy New Year, Jude. We're in 2026 now. Happy New Year. We're gonna we're gonna get this rolling again. I I was doing some some home improvement projects over the holidays. We're gonna put the hammer away, pick up the microphone, and get rolling here.
SPEAKER_00:Yes, get our get back into what we what we what we do best. I well, I I think we do we do best. I don't know. Maybe your home improvement skills are much better than than than mine. So maybe you do everything best. That's the that's my impression of you. You probably do a lot of a lot of things really, really well, Dallas. So so I guess you know I set high standards for myself. That we all aspire to to be. So that's awesome. So and and on that note, we're gonna be talking about to today. We've kind of over the past, I don't know, well, really the last couple of months been talking more about getting yourself prepared to date, how to do called approaches, dealing with some of the the online profiles and and how to to mitigate some of that. And so what I thought today we would talk about is making that that shift, that shift from kind of recreational or casual dating or multi-dating if you're dating several people, and you think maybe okay, this is a person that I'd like to go exclusive with, and how what the timing is on that. So we're gonna be talking about making that shift into exclusively dating somebody. So with that said, it's a lot different as a dad, a divorced dad, right, than in your in your 20s. Because, well, let's let's first talk about the the the schedule, right? And the timing and and what kind of timing do you do you take? Because the timing of maybe three dates could take four weeks, right? So what is that timing? Yeah, at least sometimes, right? What does timing look like to start off with on moving maybe into that that exclusive dating realm with somebody?
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. Well, I mean, speaking from a from the point of view as a dad, I think I'm gonna let you decide sort of uh where that is. I think let's start with the purpose of going exclusive with somebody. Okay. Because, you know, you you use the term uh dating recreationally. I I really like that. I feel like they put a nice positive spin on it. I I personally don't don't tell men that we're supposed to be dating one person exclusively or we're supposed to be playing the field. I I think that's up to every person's own heart to listen to it and to find what works for you. And that's going to shift and vary at different points in your life. If you just got out of a marriage, you know, and you've done your healing and you're ready to get back out there, you it might be good to to date recreationally for a minute, to discover sides of yourself that you don't know. So I just want to throw out there, first of all, that that exclusivity one-on-one in dating is not necessarily always the goal. It's it's not where we're necessarily trying to go to.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. And I think that's I think that's fair to point out, and and I might add also because I've I've I've described in the past, I feel like I did everything wrong dating post of like I got involved right away during my like all the wrong stuff. And I I would add that I think the you should start with recreational dating. And let me just define what recreational dating is too. It's it's dating with a frisbee. It's yeah, exactly. Yeah, you go, you you bring all of your toys, your paddle, your you know, your paddle board or your pickleball or your and then you just play recreational sports uh while you're dating. No, but what what I define that is is really getting out there and just trying to enjoy yourself and get back into relating with women again, because you have been for a probably a long period of time just relating with one woman. And as we know, women are like a multi, there's lots of different women and the kinds of women, like so getting out there and really just in enjoying the the feminine presence of a of a woman around you that's different from your ex-wife, and just it and dating more than one woman, too, so that you can experience the different types of of women that are out there. So that's what I define recreational dating is and and it's some kind called casual, right? That I think is the the usual thing. I and we've talked about this also. I I don't like the term casual because that that that has it at least for for me, it has the the kind of mindset around casual sex, right? And and when I say retracial dating, I mean that like you're dating for a purpose. Your purpose is to get out there and to start getting used to dating again with uh and getting to to know women again. And so when we sit when we say that, dads, that's what we mean. We don't mean like, yeah, we don't mean like grab your frisbee and you're just doing recreating. We don't mean out there having sex with with everybody. We mean it's for a purpose, but it's more recreational to have fun and get used to dating again. Is that is that a fair assessment, like is as far as your your kind of mindset around that too? Yes, I'm in agreement. It's your term. I'm gonna let you define it how you want. Okay, well, well, we're defining it for the show. Like if we're gonna be using it ongoing, then I think we need to define it for the dads that are listening.
SPEAKER_02:I I think I think the the the quality of having fun when when you're dating, I think that's an important part of recreational. Casual, to me, it's sort of downplaying it. It's sort of saying it's not that important. When you're just getting out there in the field and you're discovering different types of women and you know who you really are and how you relate to them, that that shouldn't be casual, that self-discovery. It should be fun, recreational, but it shouldn't be casual, downplaying it like there isn't much to it. Right. I want to come back to again the difference between recreational dating, which is dating without being committed to one woman and you're you're exploring yourself, you're you're getting to know women, and dating and dating someone exclusively. Despite what we might like to think of ourselves as men, we have finite resources. And that that definitely includes our time, that includes our energy, that includes our money. That also includes our emotional attachments and and connection with somebody. Um it also includes the sexual energy. You know, there's only so much of that sexual energy, and and the older you get, the more, the more that is. We realize that that's that's finite. And and when we're dating recreationally, all of those different resources get spread out among a lot of different women that we're meeting. And and and and that's fine. There's nothing wrong with that because we're exploring the terrain, but we're going broad, we're going wide. When you're going exclusive, you're deciding to focus all of those finite resources in yourself into one woman specifically. And the only the only reason I really see for us to do that is so that we can have depth of connection. We can be we can be more emotionally connected. We, you know, our sexual energy is, you know, is focused on one woman that that allows us to you know not have to worry about S T Ds, STIs, you know, the questions of pregnancy, all of those things become a lot simpler when you're when you're when you're focused with some with somebody and you're you're monogamous. But the real the real benefit or the real trade-off, it's not a benefit, it's a trade-off. You're either going broad and not as deep, or you're focusing and you're going deeper, you're penetrating deeper with one woman. So I think the important the important question we have to ask ourselves before we begin, even talking with a woman about being exclusive, is am I looking to explore the terrain and not go that deep? Or am I looking for a deeper connection and I want to explore it with this one woman? And that's a question we have to ask ourselves.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, and and that's a that's a fair question. And that's going to be it, it's gonna be dependent upon your situation as as a dad and and what your feelings are around as a dad. And some guys are going to be able to do the work that they need to do, get in a place where they feel comfortable to be able to do to to go deep, right? Like you, like you said, and and to have a more meaningful relationship than than than other guys. Some other guys are gonna take need to take a little bit more time. And it's that's just gonna be that is going to depend upon you, dad, as as a person, as somebody dependent, also dependent on how hard you want to do the the the work and how how quickly you're gonna dig into to that, because let me just say there is gonna be residual impact from your divorce and things that you're going to have to work through before you can have what we're calling and defining as a meaningful relationship again. And if you don't do that, I'm here to tell you as a as the poster child of somebody who didn't, that all of the same challenges that were potentially things uh or or were things that led to the demise of your marriage are going to show up again in a new relationship. And so if you have not addressed it, it doesn't mean you're gonna solve them right away before you get into that relationship. Because please, let me tell you, relationships will test you to the extreme. And if even if you are aware of them, you're gonna have to deal with them. But just make sure that you've worked through that stuff.
SPEAKER_02:Well, and let me let me follow that up with if you're going deeper with someone, you're going deeper with yourself. And as you go deeper with yourself, even if you've addressed or started the work or think you've come, you know, you think you've you've got your your a handle on the work that that you needed to do coming out of your your last marriage, as you go deeper with somebody, you're going to discover new levels of yourself. And it the work is never done. There's always going to be more that you're doing. When you're dating recreationally and you're going broad rather than deep, we can fool ourselves into thinking that we know ourselves and that we we have all of this sorted out. That's simply because you're not going all that deep with somebody. And and that that can lead to fun, calcified ways of thinking where we're not that flexible. And a lot of times that turns into pointing the finger at the world, saying that the world has issues, the women have issues. If you ever listen to yourself sometimes and ask yourself, do I have a rigid mindset? When you're when you go deeper with somebody, you're going deeper within yourself that that that that tends to prompt us to soften ourselves and have to continue to evolve and do the work.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, for sure. And so uh now that you said do you have a rigid mindset, I'm gonna lay out there a guideline that I think that's 2020 2026.
SPEAKER_02:Let's hear it, dude. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:That I think the dad should at least consider when thinking about going exclusive with somebody. And that guideline, and it's and again, it's not a stringent guideline, but it it's it's more of something to consider and think about for a practical reason. And that is to post-divorce get through all of the seasons, which is a basically a year before you decide to go exclusive with anybody. And the reason for the reason I say that is because the the dynamic in the environment that you're living in is changing drastically post-divorce, particularly with your kiddos. So this is all new territory, like the holiday seasons, there's new traditions, there's new timings, there's all of that stuff that is very very challenging and takes what you said, uh, an immense amount of mental, emotional energy and physical energy too, depending on how old your kiddos are, that you need to be focused on in order to get that structured to be in a really good spot to then say, okay, well, can I include somebody else in my life that I can work into this new into this new dynamic? That doesn't mean you're introducing. Okay, and let's just be clear about that because we're gonna we're gonna talk about that a little bit later, right? That doesn't mean you're introducing, just means that you're introducing an exclusive relationship, which, like you said, if you're going deeper and you're having a meaningful relationship, that's gonna take more resources. So just wait a year. Wait, get through all the seasons, get through all the holidays, get through a school year with your kiddos, and just know what that feels like and get into a groove with that. That doesn't so that doesn't preclude you from recreational dating. That's why I think that's why I like the recreational, because then it is it's truly recreational. It's when you can fit it in, when you can have some fun, and it's not going deep. Like you said, you're not expending a ton of resources on it. It's fun. And as long as, and we've talked about this in the past on other episodes, as long as you're up front and honest about it, what you're looking for, and you're gonna be very surprised the no the number of women are like, oh, I totally understand. That's totally cool. I'm kind of in that place now, or I respect that and I don't want that. Like it's it's gonna define things and it's really it's gonna work in your I promise you it's gonna work in your favor if you're upfront about that.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, yeah, I agree. It's interesting. Yeah, so you're I I guess maybe a rule of thumb might be a good term for what you're saying. Yeah. The rule of thumb of waiting a year after you're you're divorced. And I don't know if you mean separated or the divorce is finalized.
SPEAKER_00:I mean divorce because it's finalized, and then you have separate living environments, and you're totally, yeah, you have totally different households. The kids have the the parenting time, you've got the transitions, you got all that stuff going on. You're really needing to start to uh to to grasp and understand. And that goes to what you talk about all the time is really having your life in order and knowing what you're you know, what you're doing, where you're going, how you're doing it, all the stuff. You can't do that when you're in the middle of a divorce. It's impossible. You have no idea what the outcome's going to be. Or you don't have it depending on the situation, you you don't know a hundred percent what the outcome is going to be. So it's really hard to try to go deep with somebody and do that because it's all in flux. And sometimes in the absolute chaos.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, yeah. So I talk about with my clients about how a man should be dating from his baseline. And when you're going through a divorce and the separation and it gets chaotic, it's destabilizing. You don't have a baseline. And I think the rule of thumb you put out there about going through a full year, getting through four seasons of the earth traveling around the sun, yeah, that helps that helps you find what your new baseline is. And that's what allows you to know what you're looking for, where you're where you're coming from, what you're offering to a woman. You you need to have that baseline because that baseline is your own rock, your own stability. That's where you're extending invitations from. That's where you're assessing whether or not this woman is a good fit for you. And to bring it back to the topic, that's where you need to be thinking from very clear-mindedly about whether or not this is a woman that you should be exclusive with.
SPEAKER_00:Right. Yeah. So that's perfect. You've got that baseline, you've gotten through the the seasons, you've done all the stuff that Dallas has taught you over the last two months on the episodes and the cold approaches. You've you've you've been having some warm interactions with women, some great dates, you've been making invitations. She's been accepting. She you've been doing all this good stuff, and you're getting better at it. And so now, Dallas, what is there? Is there a timeline or a time frame that is you hear so God, like social media is such a shit show, right? You hear, well, three dates you should do this, or three months, you know, and then and then here's the other thing that that I've heard you say too, but I hear on social media too is well, you should never be defining the relationship or or or trying to put uh parameters on that as the man, etc. Walk us through kind of how we can then if it's our desire, and and so like I have a desire of what I want when I'm looking, and I kind of have an idea of what those kind of I don't want, I want to say like just kind of like marks where I'm gonna hit like certain places where I feel comfortable, and then I want that, then I want to move it to exclusivity. I kind of know that in my heart and and my feelings, just that like so. Then how do we handle that?
SPEAKER_02:So I think a lot of the advice out there, particularly on social media, is let the woman bring up the topic of uh being exclusive, let her ask for the relationship, let her ask for the commitment. What's the mindset behind that? Okay, so that that advice is is for men that are not that that are coming from the nice guy perspective. And the the book that you know kind of had this was Glover's book, No More Mr. Nice Guy. Um he defines the the state of mind and the state of heart that a lot of guys struggle with, where they're being adaptive, it's a sort of a version of codependency. Yeah. The advice there is is intended for men that are asking a woman to be exclusive with them. And the the only rule I have in in dating and in relationships, it extends in relationships, but particularly in dating. The only rule is don't burden the woman. If you are asking a woman to be exclusive with you, and here I'm using ask, not invite, if you're requesting that she become exclusive with you, that's putting a burden on her. That's also saying, hey, I'm ready to commit and I want to lock this down, and I want to be sure you're not gonna be seeing any other guys, and I know that I'm safe and I know and I know and I know. The speed of that thought, the the emotional neediness behind it, that's coming from a nice guy perspective. Bad boys don't give to whatever, you know, that a woman is, you know, that you know, they got what they wanted, they're gonna call when they want to, but they're not trying to lock it down. They're not trying to, they might, they might be kind of possessive about her, but they're not offering exclusivity on their end. That advice is not the from social media about it should come from a woman, is not intended for it's it doesn't resonate with the bad boys. The bad boys aren't on social media looking for advice on how to date women. Like it doesn't that there's a whole half of the spectrum of men that that fall far more to the assertive side that don't care about this. This advice, and this is important for people to realize this advice is for the men that are on the sensitive side of the spectrum. They're they're they're the feeling side, and they're the ones that want to have the emotional depth. The problem is a lot of times they're lacking in assertiveness. lacking in self-confidence and and they're not sure what to do. So we get rules like wait for her to ask for it. So that's where that's where the advice is coming from. And I and I do believe it's a it's it is a good piece of advice from a man that is just looking to that that is not feeling all that secure in himself. It's a good piece of advice to not do it. Now let me stack on top of that one other element. Men are blowtorches, women are ovens. Men men warm up and are ready to jump in a lot faster than women are in general. We're talking generalities obviously women are going to take more time to warm up. You don't want to start talking about a relationship when that oven is only at 145 degrees. Like you can't make anything in that oven. You need to wait until she's all the way up and ready. And I believe that's the other side to that advice which is let her bring up the topic because she'll bring it up once she's ready, once she's fully warmed up. And it can be very hard for me as a man in a blowtorch that can warm up really fast. It can be very hard for me to be fully sensitive and aware of where she's actually at on her ad.
SPEAKER_00:Okay. Let me ask you a question about that though. Does that show a lack of leadership in not guiding the relationship in a in a direction by not by by not eventually moving to exclusivity if that's what that's what you want or that's what your intended outcome is or your both intended outcomes are. Because so you know it's so yeah you're not asking you're you're not bringing up the question but then are you leading? Like how can you do that in a leader in a in a way that you are leading but you're not you're not you know you're not doing the the sensitive kind of like I'm just waiting around waiting for her to take direction. I feel like if you're waiting for her to bring that up that then you're not taking the initiative and leading the relationship.
SPEAKER_02:Very true very true. And I'm I completely agree with that. I am not saying at any point to stop leading what what I'm saying is don't ask her, don't request her exclusivity. Let her warm up on her own. Now part of part of her warming up on her own is you leading and engaging with her in the dating process. So you you continue to put out very appealing invitations for the two of you to go out to continue to spend time together. When you're spending time together obviously she's spending time with you and not with somebody else at least in that evening also when you're inviting her out regularly you're demonstrating without talking about exclusivity you're demonstrating that you're interested in her that you have a focus on her she's not wondering well I haven't heard from him in three weeks I don't know if he's out dating other women I don't know how interested he is in me because that's part of what they need to know for them to get ready for an exclusive relationship. They need to know that this guy's actually serious and has and has a focused desire on them. Your invitations, your behavior towards her demonstrates that notice here, I'm I'm I'm not getting into a conversation I'm I'm just I'm just demonstrating I'm asking you out. If I'm out with you I'm not out with some other woman yeah and I'm texting you a couple days later and I'm asking you out again. And and at a certain and women can read between the lines women have a fairly good sense when they ask oh well what were you doing this weekend? Yeah part of that is were you out on a date what how do you answer that question? Yeah right they can they can tell how how transparent or opaque you are in in responding to to what they're saying. Women can sense this out and they can sort it out and and women don't want to jump right into an exclusive relationship until they've until they've vetted you a bit they want to they vetted your desire and and they vetted they vetted that you're you're you're looking for something exclusive rather than just recreational.
SPEAKER_00:Right. And so as usual Dallas this is very nuanced and I want like something clear and concise. All right as most as as as I think like most guys typically are like you said we're a blowtorch and it's like okay well I've hit I've hit this milestone or this this mile mark and now we've been out for so many so such a period of time and like I I do I I do want to know that we're we're exclusive and so what are some of these behavioral signs you you described one of them now like asking questions what are some of these behavioral signs for for me to look to and to try to understand and then try to make this make this invitation in in a way that is relatively clear that I don't want you dating other guys. I want you to take the the the the the the dating app like down I want like okay so so then you can't what do you do? Okay so you can't be you can't be clear on so here's here's here's my other challenge around this is that everybody has a a different mindset around exclusivity right like there have been times where I've been exclusively in the you know in in the relationship and the other person hasn't been and they're not right okay so how do you do how do you make it clear what you believe exclusivity is okay so let let's be clear in today's dating world in the United States exclusivity needs to be explicitly stated in order for it to be there.
SPEAKER_02:If you're being exclusive on your own we'll get into this like there I would say there's a reason for you to be exclusive on your own as a man even without the exclusivity with the woman but that's just because you're being true to yourself. We'll get to that in a second. Okay. Exclusivity needs to be explicitly said like hey so we're not dating um I don't want to be dating anybody else she's like cool I don't want to be dating anybody else there you've both said it implied stuff doesn't work because again everyone's playing out of different rule books. We just can't we can't trust implicit things right if just because you're being sexual with someone does not mean that you're exclusive. It doesn't mean that she's being exclusive you you can't assume things and hoping for them doesn't work either. Okay now to come back to your That's the worst strategy. Yeah right to come back to your your your question about how do you extend invitations that in a way show that you don't want her dating anyone else okay that for me that's a that's that's a mixed message and it's a I'm gonna call it a dirty mixed message because I'm inviting her to something but I'm also making a request of her at the same time. That's a heavy string attached to that invitation and I never want a woman to feel the burden of a request in one of my invitations. I'm inviting her out I'm inviting her to have a wonderful experience. I want her to enjoy my company more than any other man's company on the planet. That's my job when I'm extending an invitation and taking her out on dates. I want to make it so that she desires being with me and with no other man. But I'm not talking about other men. I'm not thinking about other men I'm not I'm I'm not competing with other men when I extend my invitation I extend it and I see how she responds to the invitation. That's that's it. If I try to do it in ways where I'm sort of occupying her schedule or I make her not available she's going to feel controlled. She's going to feel like I'm trying to trap her. She's going to feel like I'm trying to possess her like she's my property like I've locked this down. No woman wants to feel that way with a man. That they a lot of women come out of marriages because they feel like they've been owned in toxic ways. They feel like they've been controlled and limited. A woman doesn't want to feel that way's being lifted by the man that's inviting her out and giving her a a bigger more exalted freer experience than she has on her own.
SPEAKER_00:Right. So I think you touched on it when you said when you when you said the invitation is I don't want to be dating anybody else and then the feedback then you wait for the feedback from from her.
SPEAKER_02:Oh did you mean the invitation of you're actually not talking about a date you're talking about inviting her to be in a relationship.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah inviting her to be in the in the relationship right so so yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah so so so that so that you can clarify around that you're in it in an exclusive relationship and not burning her like not you know it's nuance right like what you're saying is there is a nuance between what you're saying which is making her feel invited and excited and inspired to to be with you and spend time with you as opposed to an ask of like this is a box and I want you to be in this box and this box is called exclusively dating.
SPEAKER_02:Okay so here's the here's are there are a couple of precursors to inviting her into being exclusive with you. And now that I understand what you're saying okay it's a lot cleaner. I I understood something else. Okay there's there's a couple of precursors one of them is you need to decide for yourself what are the most essential qualities you have in in a woman because you need to ask yourself and this comes back to your baseline you need to be really sober. This isn't during the date during the date you could feel anything with a woman this is the day after the date two days after the date three days after the date you haven't seen her in a while you've been taking care of your kids you're going to your job and then you ask yourself how do I feel about this woman I have I have two questions that I ask myself and I encourage every man listening to come up with your own versions of these questions. Mine are on a scale of one to 10 because I don't normally use that scale I felt it was very overly critical but I found it's useful for me with myself. On a scale of one to 10, how physically attracted am I to this woman? I ask myself that question and and and this isn't a how attractive is she? This isn't oh she's a nine or she's a six I'm not asking that. I'm asking for myself how physically attracted am I to this woman and I'm just asking on a physical level. The other question I ask myself is on a scale of one to ten how much do I enjoy this woman's company and that is that is the question that is really sobering. I might be very attracted to her but how much do I enjoy her company I've also found that I really enjoy this this woman's company and I have to ask myself how physically attracted am I to her? Because those two will tend to bleed over. For me, if if both of those are registering pretty high I would ask myself I ask myself well what more are you looking for? And again these are questions I'm I'm I'm sharing these as an example I'm not telling I tell men I'm not telling men these are the questions you should use. I do think you should have two or three at the most I think having six or seven is getting kind of it's a lot try to pull it down to what is most essential for you.
SPEAKER_00:Right. And can I point something out real quickly before you go on that you that you said that I think we really need to emphasize is you need to be doing this when you are away from her right because the the the oxy or what like the the dopamine thank you the the dopamine hit that comes up when you're there and maybe you are really attracted to her but you know like there's other red flags you've got to do you've got to make these assessments when you are away because if you're doing it and you're doing this stuff don't do this basically don't do any of this stuff on the fly on the fly while you're with her and make decisions.
SPEAKER_02:It's fine to ask yourself these questions in the moment and I do. And particularly when I find myself slipping into old nice guy patterns you know and I'm trying to be agreeable and ask this stuff I will ask myself Dallas right now silently in my head across the table from this woman and she has been yapping and yapping and yapping for the last 45 minutes I'll say Dallas on a scale of one to 10 how much do you enjoy this woman's company right I'm doing a great job asking follow-up questions I'm doing a great job of listening and she's just enjoying me being a good listener. She's not expressing any interest I it's important for me to ask myself I think it's perfectly valid to ask yourself in the moment and to your point you know we we we get swept up in the emotions we get swept up in the chemicals and in the hormones you want to ask yourself you know a day later two days later three days later when you're when you're sober so to speak emotionally and hormonally sober ask yourself these questions because you'll have a much more clear minded clear mindset Yeah I I always I always find that my assessment of a date is completely different like the next day compared to when I was on the date. A hundred percent a hundred percent yeah it's yeah totally true so this is an important thing. Now here's the thing when I'm asking myself my questions and again every every man listening to this podcast develop your own questions I've refined these over the years and these are the questions that really they're the two that are most important to me. How much do I enjoy this woman's company? How physically attracted am I to this woman? Those are the two most essential for me.
SPEAKER_00:One so I want I would add one more to to dad's is this somebody I potentially see in my life long term yeah in and or or this could be a separate question or it can be like a part B of that is this somebody that would potentially I'd want to potentially expose to my children.
SPEAKER_02:Yes those are absolutely very important questions. I obviously don't have them because I don't have children I don't have to but yes and that's why I'm saying every man here needs to decide you know whatever the issue was if it was around money you know how responsible is she with money because my wife used to spend all the money that came in you decide what the most important questions are for you. Right. But what I'm saying is have your questions be able to answer them for yourself and then realize once this woman sort of I guess reaches a certain threshold you need to ask yourself and this is self-leadership how much do I want to be recreationally giving my finite resources my time my attention my money my affection my emotional connection how much do I want to be continuing to spread this out horizontally and broadly or how much do I want to actually maybe let go of some of those other opportunities because the truth is they're not really reaching that threshold for me this woman is I want to store up some of that energy inside of myself and I want to focus it a little bit more towards her. This is not me asking her to be exclusive this is not me setting this is not me deciding to be exclusive this is me recognizing that this woman is shining out and the other women are not and I'm starting to readjust I'm realigning the focus and the giving of my invitations and my energy towards this woman as I do that that woman's going to feel it. She knows when you're not really asking out any other woman and she knows when you are right you know not with perfect clarity but there's a there's a certain sense there. I need to I need to honor, recognize and this is where I'm being loyal to myself. I'm like I'm really into this woman going and hanging out with these other women you know even if it's to pass the time I'm not being true to myself when I do that. That's the first step in leadership. Before I lead her into an exclusive relationship I need to lead myself towards what it is that I really want.
SPEAKER_00:Right and and let's this is just a little bit off topic but let's talk about that multi-dating and dating many other women and maybe this is maybe this is a whole episode that that we can do in in the future and you know some people call it spinning plates. So it sometimes it's it's often talked about in a derogatory way that is not beneficial to I I think to relationships in general. What you're describing and in a dating process that that I think you subscribe to in where you are dating multiple people to eventually find the one that you just said shines above the rest of them so that you can be exclusive is very important to be doing because if you're just dating one person, you're just focused on one person, you just don't know like it's it's like when you go car shopping and you just look at one car and you don't like look at what other options are out there. Maybe there's something that suits you better that you weren't aware of and you didn't take the time to pay attention to it to test drive it to to either rule it out or see if it was better for you.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah very true. And and this is where I have those couple of questions the criteria that I'm looking for and to come back to the point I ask my I ask myself these questions in the quiet afternoon where where hormone levels are normal. And yeah when you're when you're when you're dating recreationally you know when you're getting to know different women you don't you don't know after the first date it's like oh I I love her company it's amazing or she's so beautiful. Well it might have been the outfit she was wearing that night you know it might have been that she was in a particularly good mood. It might've been that she was putting forward something that's not actually who she is it takes a minute you know going on a handful of dates with somebody to start to start to see that one test drive she's a lot more complicated than a car. You know you go you go and test drive that car you go back a week later that car is going to perform pretty much the same way that that woman on the date is not so you have to take you have to go on multiple drives and and again you you bring yourself back to that sober baseline where you you know what you're looking for and does this woman really feel like she's naturally leading to that place or not? And so yeah so that's that's the real important step is to be you have to lead yourself without talking with her without asking her you have to decide how much this woman shines out above the others as someone that you would like to go from going a broad distribution of your energy into a focused deeper investment of your energy. Right.
SPEAKER_00:And then so what you described in the beginning of that before we we kind of sidetracked a little bit was that there when then when you're going from that multi hopefully you're multi-dating right but even if you're not you probably have a limited you're only spending a limited amount of time with her in and you said well when you do decide to focus more she's going to know and she's going to feel because basically anything that you focus your energy on is going to grow whether that's your work whether that's your relationship with your children whether that's her so that is going that there's going to just be that that natural feeling of the the energetic the the energetic exchange that she gets from you because you are focused on her your your text messages might be clearer they might be more often the the dates might be more engaging more adventurous more interesting like there's going to be a very big difference if you're focused on her and nobody else and you're trying to you know to to to to use the the Glover uh Dr. Glover's uh analogy where you're trying to you're trying to include her in this great life that that you've designed and expose her to some of the you know some of the cool things that you've that you've created and and cultivated in in in your life that's going to lead then to her Like being drawn to wanting to spend more time with you, right?
SPEAKER_02:If if you are also the man that shines out for her the way she does for you, yes, it'll do that. But this is uh again, we're talking about one side. This is how I feel about her.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:And yeah, and what you're talking about, the quality of your text messages changing and all, and it's because you're not depleting yourself by giving your attention to other women. So the quality goes up. Uh, you probably don't want the quantity to go up too much, but you do want the quality to come up. There's a certain relax side of you. This is also you, you, you, you're going to have to exercise more patience because you don't have the distraction of going out on dates with other women. But here's the trade-off: you can go out on dates with other women and they will occupy your time because she's not available because she's with her kids for the next week and a half, and you're going out with another woman to occupy yourself. Well, you have to ask yourself, how much self-leadership does that really show? If you have to go out with another woman, instead of dealing with being patient and being alone with yourself, you have to ask yourself, aren't you being kind of needy? You know, if you need another woman to just kind of like pass the time with, that's that's kind of that's kind of shallow. And versus if I'm going to go into a place where I'm you know, you know, fixing up the cabinets in my kitchen the way I've always wanted to, or spending more time with my kids or whatever it is, and I'm, you know, and I'm essentially improving the quality of myself and my life. And then when I do see the woman that actually is the woman I want to be with, that there's a there's a there's a quality of energy that you're giving her. It's not polluted because you're not going and spending energy in different places and different attention with different women. This is a shift we make inside of ourselves as a man. And and and that will that will hopefully be more attractive. To come back to your point, that does not guarantee in any way that she wants exclusivity with you.
SPEAKER_00:Right. That's what that was going to be my next thing is then how do you identify that that reciprocal exchange in energy and whether that looks like and feels like it's moving towards exclusivity.
SPEAKER_02:So so as the man, we provide the invitation. As the woman, she provides the response. You look at her responses, they will tell you everything you need to know. She's busy this weekend, but I would love to make this work or something, something, something. The way that she's trying to make it happen, that in in in generally speaking, is a good sign. The fact that she makes herself available, the fact that you're focusing her and your energy is met with her making bringing more availability to the table. Those are all green lights that that she's interested in you as well. If she seems kind of aloof, if she doesn't seem all that interested, realize again, women take longer to warm up than men, but they only take so much time to warm up. And and you at and you have to ask yourself, and this is also self-leadership. Okay, I'm ready. I really am into this woman. This feels really good to me. And I feel like she's keeping me in a holding pattern over her airport. And I don't like burning fuel in a holding pattern, not cool with that. Now, if I follow the the TikTok advice where I'm supposed to wait for her to bring up being in a relationship, yeah, I've just gone into a very passive role where I'm no longer leading my own journey through life. That doesn't work. I have to listen.
SPEAKER_00:But can I can I say one thing about that though? It there's a probab there's a high probability at some point if you're doing the invitation and you're spending as much time as you are spending that she's gonna want to clearly define that in a conversation, right? So right, that's pretty that's pretty natural. So don't don't feel like you're not leading if then she says something like, Hey, are we exclusive? And then you like you can answer the question. It's like, well, do you think we're exclusive, right? I mean, well, how do you handle how do you handle that and keep frame? Yeah, like and and not and not sound like like like she's the one defining it at the moment.
SPEAKER_02:Good. Yeah. So she yeah, she's asking you to define or really to tell you where you are. This is again why you want to have asked these questions with yourself in a sober time when she's not there, so you know where you stand. And if you've already decided she shines out above above the other women, and you can say, you know what, I haven't been I haven't been dating anybody for several weeks now. I didn't tell you because I didn't feel like it was necessarily time yet, but no, I I stopped asking other women out a while ago. So notice that my that was my answer to your question, you know, her her question of are we exclusive? I'm not answering whether or not we're exclusive. I'm telling her where I'm coming from. And that's my masculine feeling. Yeah, what you're doing in the direction that you're taking. Exactly. And what what I want and what I'm interested in. And this is where my heart is. And I said, Yeah, no, I've um I've I've stopped asking out other women quite a while ago because I'm I'm into you. I like what I see here. I'm gonna share that. And and notice this is not I'm talking, I'm not talking about us, and I'm not really opening up a conversation. I'm being vulnerable. And and I'm sharing what I'm gosh, I sound like a broken record saying this. I'm sharing what I want in a positive, attractive light. I stopped dating other women because I I'm I like what I see in front of me. Every woman wants, every woman wants to hear that. If I then followed up with like, well, so do you, you know, do you want to be exclusive with me? Suddenly I took a step down on my masculine frame. I'm gonna share that and then I'm gonna wait and see how she responds.
SPEAKER_00:Right. Well, if she wants it, she's gonna clearly state it.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Especially if she's br if she's bringing it up. So I think if there's a guideline, right? Like, help me in my my non-nuanced mind, like you're a you're pro at this. If there's a guideline that that I can conjure in my head, it's clearly and definitively stating where I'm at, what I'm doing, and how I feel. And some of that, and that last part, you gotta be vulnerable in in in in doing that. So stating where you are, what you're doing is easy, but then you got to say, like you said, like I enjoy the time that we spend together. Right? That's a vulnerable thing. And and but that's gonna get that's gonna get that prompt. That's gonna that's gonna encourage that vulnerable prompt from her of like, oh yeah, me too. Right. Or yes, us too. And then that's the that's the definitive moment that you're looking for without doing an ask and without creating a burden. Am I right? Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Okay.
SPEAKER_02:Now, now I said that statement in response to her house. Yeah. Juju. You're such a germer. She already, you know, I was making that statement in response to a question from her. And I agree, if you're going out on regular dates with each other, more than likely she will bring it up because women want to most on average, in general, women are interested in locking this down and making it exclusive, and men in general are less interested in that. Right. So a lot of times she's going to bring it up. But to my point, you want to have answered these questions on your own by yourself about how you feel about this woman, so that when she asks you, you have you can speak the words that you've already found inside of yourself, and you're speaking them positively. This is all stepping in into a good place. The idea of being committed and exclusive with someone should be a celebration. If for some reason you feel like you're being trapped or you feel like you're being forced, guys, you shouldn't be committed. It's it's that simple. Great point. You should feel excited about this. Yeah. Commit commitment means you get to go deeper. And okay, there was something I wanted to mention earlier. I'm gonna bring it up right now. Women in general inherently feel more vulnerability than men. One of the huge benefits to exclusivity is it makes women feel more safe. And when they feel more safe, they can open up more. The emotions get more energetic. There's there's more being exchanged there. You get more time usually. And then, you know, in a lot of it, a lot of senses, the sexual side will also open up a lot more when things are exclusive. Women, women need the safety of the exclusivity for things to really open up and for you too. And here we'll talk about the dad specifically. You're dating and you're not exclusive, and you're obviously not involving the kids. When you do become exclusive, that doesn't mean you're ready to introduce the kids into the picture. Yes. This means you're able to go deeper and open up more with this woman to really explore and see sides that you couldn't see when you were dating recreationally. Yes. It's it's very important to realize that one of the reasons that women want the exclusivity is so they can open up more. It's so they can be more adventurous, it's so they can be more vulnerable. They need that safety in order in order to be able to open up. It's otherwise they have to keep their guard up. That that's just how they're built. So realize also the exclusivity, it's it's something to celebrate because we're going into a more exciting side of the relationship because you can go deeper.
SPEAKER_00:If you're I want to hit on on that point that you just said from the side of the the dads, too. You need this, you need her to open up to really see what she's about, to especially if you're looking to have a long-term relationship that you are then going to introduce your kids or your your collective kids together. This is the time frame then that you're really getting to know and learning about this this person we talked about last week or the week before peeling the layers of the onion, really, to learn and understand and and know. And so it's an important time frame. And without that exclusivity, like you said, this is just a biological thing for for women that allows them, because you know, once upon a time, that was like that that had to happen for them to be able then to form families and and and everything else. And so that's just wired into them. And so without doing that, guys, I know that you might think that you can, and to a little bit of an extent, you you can, but you're never gonna be able to know if this is somebody that you can really have a deep, meaningful, long-term relationship, somebody you'll never know if it's somebody that you should or shouldn't have in your children's life if you don't go exclusive, if you don't peel those layers of the onion and get to know this person and allow them the opportunity to open up and be vulnerable.
SPEAKER_02:And and Jude, what you just said is what women want to hear from a man. So when the topic of being exclusive or relationship comes up, even if they're not talking about it between the two of you, they ask, well, what are you looking for? You know, this super open, vague question, what are you looking for? Are you looking for a relationship or not? You want to, guys, you want to repeat back a lot of what just Jude just said. It's like, I'm looking to get to know somebody deep enough to see if to see if I can bring them into my family. Yeah. I'm looking to see, you know, I'm looking for the deeper sides of it. You don't just say I'm looking for a commitment. It that sort of sounds like either one, you're saying what she wants to hear and you're being a good boy. Or two, it sounds like you're needy and like you're you're too insecure to be out there sort of dating in the field like a wild beast. Like it neither one of those really sound good, you know, on you as a man. With if if all you say is you're looking for a relationship. If you say, well, I'm looking for a relationship because I want to go to levels that I can't go when I'm just dating recreationally. I I'm not look, I don't want casual connection. I want deep connection. I want to plan a future with somebody.
SPEAKER_00:Well, and also there's the women who, when you do this, think they're getting married in three months, right? So you gotta you gotta you gotta be careful with that as well. Because I mean, that's probably the red flag, and you know immediately that okay, you should probably just end that. But there are those that think when you're going exclusive, that this is then and like here, we're working backwards now from marriage. Like I'm starting to plan, and and to some extent, biologically and physiologically, that is happening with with them too. So you gotta understand that as as as well as the the pair bonding starts happening, and they are kind of working backwards from marriage and in a relationship. And so understand also that that's not your you know, we don't as men don't work from that from that direction, right? We work the other way, uh, but they're working backwards from from that. So understand that as well.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, again, and I'm just gonna come back to this. This is why you want to ask yourself these questions about this woman really meeting a threshold for that you want to be in a relationship with with her long before you start talking about it with her. You want to already have sorted out your stuff. That's how you maintain your masculine frame, is you know where you're coming from and you bring it to her. Now, I want to talk about the situation because this is where uh particularly attachment avoidance style women come in, where women who have walls up, women that are not looking to become emotionally invested, they do still want the attention, you know, they still want to be taken out, they want to feel that you know that they're desired, but they don't really want to open up with a man. And, you know, I'm raising my hand high on this one. I have spent a lot with women like that.
SPEAKER_00:Well, and it's and let's talk about it, but it feels like there are there are a lot more these days, uh, and these days, I mean in the last five or ten years since social media and some other things than there were maybe back when we were younger gentlemen dating without all of these these things. But but be aware, yeah, yeah. So be aware. Whatever the the source, I feel like there are a lot, and because I raise my hand high on this one too, right there with you.
SPEAKER_02:I I mean I haven't done the statistical research, you know, or the you know, the blind tests, you know, to be able to do, to be able to tell you the truth of how things have changed over time. I just know that I just know that it very much exists. And you're going to find yourself in a very different predicament when it comes to exclusivity with a woman that's like that. And here again, you have to ask yourself the question yourself. If if you like what you see in front of you, if you find yourself naturally wanting to focus and and direct your resources more towards this one opportunity and you're letting go of other opportunities, and you and you start to yeah, you you're inside of yourself. It's not that you're fully exclusive. If I meet somebody new at a coffee shop and I'm going to, you know, and it and she really knocks my socks off, I'm not going to prevent myself because I I don't know that we're exclusive yet. I'm still leaving that door open. But once once that I once I feel that a woman is you know really what I'm looking for, but I don't feel that she's meeting, she's not rushing to me with a yes when I when I extend to her another juicy invitation. When when that's not happening, and I feel like she's keeping me at a distance, I'm gonna listen to myself and I'm going to say, at what point do I feel like she's kind of draining my resources? And by resources, it's time, money, attention, all the all the things that we've mentioned. Because that's what a that's what an attachment avoidant person tends to do, is they want to keep someone at a distance. They're avoiding the intimacy.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:They're avoiding the deeper connection that comes from a a committed relationship. They are they they don't want that deep intimacy. They don't what they're what they're avoiding is is the vulnerability of it.
unknown:Right.
SPEAKER_00:And so but they are enjoying the perks of all of the energy and effort that you are expending in moving it in that direction. So we got to be clear that they're they're they're usually showing up and they're still showing up. They're just showing up to a certain point and to a certain to a certain level. Because I get this a lot from women like, well, but I'm you know, I'm still showing up and I'm making the time, etc. But that's that is different than really going deep. And I think that needs to be clarified because I feel like lots of women out there that are the avoidant type personality, like the gaslight men, into thinking, well, I like I'm making an effort, I'm showing up, I'm here, I'm planning, you know, I'm just planning a schedule. Well, you're still doing that, but you're planning and you're trying to go deep, like you're really moving this in a direction, making those invitations, and you're getting met with really just at some point outside of showing up looking pretty, nothing else is happening.
SPEAKER_02:Well, and and this comes back to why do you want to be exclusive? Because you want to go deeper in the intimacy, because you want to go deeper in vulnerability, you want to have deeper connection. And that's what I want to be sharing with her. And again, I want to share it, not accusing this person of being closed off or something. I want to positively paint a picture of I want to, I want somebody that gives me their heart, and I want to be able to meet them with my heart in the middle. Yeah, an avoidant person will run to the hills when you say that. If you say, Well, I'm looking for a woman that wants to give her give me her heart, I've not just show up beautifully, not just consent to having sex. I want, I want to be, I want to be emotionally enrapped. I want to share my dreams of the future with somebody.
SPEAKER_01:Right.
SPEAKER_02:I want to I want to know her, and and right there, again, I'm not asking her for anything. I am sharing with her, and again, this is a while in, but I'm finding she's not responding. I'm going to start sharing what it is that I'm looking for. No request. I'm not asking her to be in a relationship, but I'm sharing with her what it is that I'm after, what I'm drawn to. And then again, how does she respond to that? Does she lean in and say, you know, Dallas, that sounds amazing. I struggle with that, but God, I would love to have it with you. Hey, that's good enough for me. As long as I feel it's coming from the heart.
SPEAKER_03:Right.
SPEAKER_02:But if, but if, but if if a man who's got his stuff together says something like that, and the woman doesn't lean in, either she's not interested or she's got some walls up. And this is where, this is where, again, the next day, two days later, three days later, I'm back to my baseline. There is no beautiful dress, sexy outfit. I'm no longer, she no longer has unfair, you know, I'm not no longer under duress, you know, romantically by this woman. Um, you know, I'm I'm I'm now clear-minded, sober, and I'm at my baseline. I'm asking myself, she's not really putting in. She's not meeting me and responding with what I'm wanting to put out there. And I will feel my heart naturally start to shift because I can see that the woman isn't doing it. I didn't ever have to ask for exclusivity. And here's here's the real catcher. I don't want to be in a relationship with that woman if she's not meeting me with the energy. Even if we got to an exclusive place, well, she might really like that because she's getting all of the perks and the benefits and the affection, yeah, but she's not actually giving you the intimacy and the closeness that you're looking for.
SPEAKER_01:Right.
SPEAKER_00:No, yeah, just and yeah. And and I wanted I wanted to to maybe point out also that lots of these conversations are gonna happen, are are not gonna be unscripted. You're not gonna go into a date thinking you're gonna have a conversation about what it is you want. It might be a car ride, it might be a walk, it might be a conversation over dinner about. Something that then prompts you to talk about what it is that that you that you love in life or that you desire in life or that you enjoy in life and you put that out there as a vision or something that you've created in your life, and that's when you're looking for some sort of response. And if she's more interested in the quality of the tiramisu that you're eating, as opposed to the vision for a life that you've created or are creating, then that's probably you know, that's going to be a time frame where you step away a day later and you're not enjoying how you know how her lips look when she's eating that tiramisu, and and and you have you know a clear mind going, man, I got zero response, and she was making love to that tiramisu, and I loved watching her do that, but she was not tuned, she was less tuned into me than she was to the tiramisu. Like there's a this is the problem.
SPEAKER_02:There's a deeper Italian heritage in me that's not being fed in this moment. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. And and and this is this is a self-exploration when we're doing it. I love that you said that this is unscripted. That is so true. Uh you know, the episode where we talked about escalation and we talked about being sexual, and I was talking about containers, and you have a plan, but then you have to let go of the plan once you're in that container to be in the moment. It's the same thing for these for these items that you're sharing. It has to come out organically in the moment when it makes sense. And and this is in a lot of ways, you're you're not, you you don't want to ask for the exclusivity. You want to share or really just provide transparency in your desire, your readiness, your, you know, where you where your orientation towards her. It's like, oh yeah, you know, do you want to, you know, I'm working on cabinets or something? You know, it's like, well, you know, I got to pick out some doorknobs. Geez, if only I had a woman with wonderful taste that I was, you know, thinking about, you know, the possibilities with come with me to Home Depot to pick out doorknobs. You know, you you you you put you you put that out there and you see how does she lean into that playful dreaming of the future?
SPEAKER_01:Right.
SPEAKER_02:Or does she or does she pull back? And but again, I have to be I I'm the the leadership with her is a byproduct. It's it's it's it's secondary. The leadership with myself, that is the work. That that is the masculine frame. And I feel like we are given the wrong message about this as men all the time. And this is sorry, I'm I know we're we're probably way over an hour already. Yep. But let me just throw this one little piece out there. So much of masculinity for men is defined by our relationship to women. Wrong, wrong, wrong.
SPEAKER_00:Man, that's a whole episode, my friend, right?
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. Like going back through going back throughout the ages, men discover masculinity with other men. And we actually have to remove women from the equation in order for us to discover it. Unfortunately, though, nowadays, when we talk about being masculine, it's how I lead her, it's how I show up with respect to her, it's how I feel with her. Gentlemen, that is not where it is born. That's not where we forge it. We forge it in self-leadership. She didn't ask me to stop going out with women that I'm not really interested in. I'm an effing man. I should know that for myself and I should behave that way. I should stop draining and polluting my energy if what I want is to be exclusive with her. Lead by example. Right. And then she has see how she responds. And then the words of actually becoming exclusive, it really becomes self-evident that the two of you are into each other. We don't want to be, you know, make it explicit, like, okay, cool. So we're not gonna date or sleep with anybody else. And she's like, yeah, of course. Great. Okay, now you're exclusive. But that's that's not a conversation.
SPEAKER_00:And that's unscripted, right? It it's not uh it's not clearly laying out your your 10 points of what it needs to be. It's unscripted. You talk about it, it's done and it's over, and it's not a bit, it's not a burden, right? It's actually exciting because now she's excited because she knows that you're all hers. And let me tell you, that's gonna turn her on. So it will. Then things are gonna really go to the next level, and you're leveling up that that relationship and that intimacy and sexuality and and and everything else with her. I love what you said about the the leadership starts in all the hours. Basically, I'll put it out there as all the hours when you're not with her. Because if you're not leading in your life on those 24 other hours that you're living, then you're not gonna be able to lead her in that hour that you guys are on a date because you haven't you haven't developed that in in yourself. So so stop, yeah, stop thinking about how you're going to do that, how you're going to lead on a date, etc. Think in the morning when you wake up, how you're gonna lead yourself that day, what's your what's your vision is for your life, how you're gonna get there, what steps you're taking. Are you doing more today than you did yesterday? Tomorrow are you gonna do more than you did today? How are you leveling up yourself? And then, man, when you show up for that day, it's just gonna be natural. You're gonna be you're just gonna be you. You're gonna be you, and you are the man.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. You go to the you go to the gym day after day after day. Yep. And then you show up naked one day in a bedroom and you look good. Yeah. That it that that's the analogy. And I just want to throw out that there, there's there are so many different nuances to all of this. And if you really have more questions about this, come to the next live QA that we do. Um, there's one coming up here at the end of the month. I'm gonna let you pull up the dates and times and all that, dude, because you're good at that. But jump on over to the website, get on the mailing list, and dude, I'm gonna let you tell them what the website is.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, we need to, yeah, we're working on we're working on some stuff here in 2026. We're gonna start refining. I think uh Dallas and I have really, man, I don't know about you. I know you. I we're just having a great time doing this. And so this has been real enjoyable. So we're we're leveling up our our podcast and our offerings here to to give you guys some more of what's what you need. Our next QA, our next free, and this is complimentary, guys. It's a a free QA. You get something that guys pay thousands and thousands of dollars to to Dallas for every single week. But our next QA is January 22nd. If you go to the divorced advocate.com, go to our events page, you can find a link there. You can just add it directly to your calendar and and come and check things, check things out. We're gonna be doing some some live stuff here coming up in in 2026, too. So stay tuned uh for that. And then also blackboxdating.com. Man, if you guys want to, if you guys want to level up, that's where you got to get involved and get involved in Dallas's community. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:The the principles, the principles to all of this are not easy, but they are fairly simple. The tricky part is they they they play out in so many different ways, and that's why we have these events, is so we can talk through all the nuances, we can we can unfold them, we can de knot them, and we can we can speak to what to do in certain situations. And dude, it is always a blast when we get to do that with the guys. So jump in, get get get involved in the events. Absolutely.
SPEAKER_00:All right, my friend, that was awesome.
SPEAKER_02:We will chat next week. Chat next week, dude. Take care.
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