Dads Dating After Divorce
Dating after divorce isn’t what it used to be—especially when you’re a dad. The rules have changed, the world has changed, and now you’ve got kids in the mix. Join Dallas and Jude as they share real-world strategies and insights from their work with dads and men at BlackBoxDating.com and TheDivorcedDadvocate.com.
Dads Dating After Divorce
31 - The Kid Readiness Check: Strategies for Moving from Vetting to Blending
Dating after divorce doesn’t come with a manual, especially when your love life intersects with your kids’ lives. We break down a practical, low-drama roadmap for introducing a new partner to your children—starting with the “divorce dust” rule, where stability and finalized paperwork come before any blending. From there, we unpack the six-to-twelve-month guideline that helps you see beyond the honeymoon phase, stress-test values, and decide if your partner’s parenting style complements your own.
We get specific about age-appropriate strategies that keep kids safe and emotionally grounded. For younger kids, it’s simple language and short, playful meetups. For tweens and teens, it’s more openness about your intentions and a plan that respects their slower warm-up. You’ll hear clear first-meeting tactics: choose neutral ground, avoid your home at first, keep it activity-based, and skip PDA. Then let time do the work—space and repetition help trust grow without pressure. We also talk through the hard stuff: what to do if your partner’s style clashes with yours, how to handle adult children living at home, and the signals that it’s better to slow down or walk away.
You’ll learn how to run “parenting strategy sessions” with your partner before any introductions—real scenarios, real answers, no interrogations. We also tackle the ex factor: offer respectful notice, hold firm boundaries, and avoid surprises that put kids in the middle. The throughline is discipline. Patience protects children, reveals character, and raises the odds that the relationship you’re building can become a healthy, long-term part of your family’s life.
If this helped you think more clearly about timing, readiness, and first steps, tap follow, share this with a dad who needs it, and leave a quick review so more listeners can find the show.
Hello, and welcome to Dad's Dating After Divorce, the only podcast helping us dads to navigate the very interesting, fun, challenging, and exciting world of dating after divorce. My name is Jude Sandval. I am the founder of the Divorced Advocat, and my co-host, as always, is Dallas Bluth, the founder of Black Box Dating. How are you doing, Dallas? Doing fabulous, too. Ready to go. Good, good. Yeah, we're back at it this week. And we've got, you know, we've got one of those, one of those kind of high-stakes moments in post-divorce dating that we're going to be talking about. It's the the world where dad life and dating life collide. And that is when and how to introduce your kids to your new romantic interests. So, you know, I just want off the bat, I want so having done this several times and talking to dads about this, I just want to acknowledge there's a lot of tension around it oftentimes, like for everybody, for the dads, for uh for your romantic interest, for the kids, like, like everybody. And so there's there's a there's a few things. I I just basically I would just want to lay the ground. Like the there's a you know, a few things that that I think are the big things that dads fear. And so I'm I'm just just laying this out for us. Uh the and and and probably the the the biggest fears, one are confusing the kids when when you're doing this, right? It's especially depending upon their age, because younger, you know, you're you're no longer together with with your ex, but then there's another woman, and then like if depending on that that that age, conceptualizing and understanding why there's another woman, is this mommy, is this a new mom, like what is it? That's that's kind of uh a big fear. Another big fear is the new partner getting rejected, right? So that's a that's a tough one. And some some Which rejection are we talking about?
SPEAKER_01:Who's rejecting who?
SPEAKER_00:Like the new partner, right? Like, so so and and this happens more so with older kids, right? That they're they're you know, they're they like their mom and they're you know, and they're used to their mom, and now there's a new person around. And then the third one, which is a very legitimate one, especially if you have high conflict or somebody that's not quite mentally emotionally stable, and and you'd be surprised about this, but you know, your ex-wife freaking out, and and oh yeah, yeah, causing problems and creating issues and doing all of that stuff, and that's something that's very common with a certain type of personality disorder out there that triggers stuff. So, and like not all guys are aware that that that this stuff that stuff happens. So this is like this is like a box truck full of complications.
SPEAKER_02:And let me just say explosives. Yeah, right, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:So anybody just joining the podcast uh that just you know listen to this is the first episode. So I don't have children. So not that I'm talking out of my ass in this episode, but I don't have I don't have the the real the real world experience of being the dad, you know, protecting my own offspring. Like that's not that's not where I'm coming from. I've definitely been introduced to women's kids, so I can speak to it from that point of view. I just so I just want to throw that out there and just go, I'm just let me just say I'm really grateful at the moment that I don't have so many complications to bring into the mix. And I have nothing but respect, compassion, and support for the guys out there that uh that that have to navigate all this.
SPEAKER_00:Yes. Well, I'm very I'm very interested to get your feedback because you have been on the flip side of this. And while the dynamic might be a little bit different, it's it's really generally, I would say, this the same concepts and the same things that we're gonna be talking about. We're gonna talk about some maybe some general rules around how you should do it, when you should do it, with the kids' readiness, this you know, stuff like stuff like that. So you've experienced that. I've got plenty of experience of this on on my side, my side. And as as always, I've got quite a few opinions about what's what what this what's going on. I would expect no less from you, Jude. Of course you wouldn't, right? Right. And and then of course I do have my notes, right? So I did document all of those uh opinions in my in my notes. So let's let's just let's start first with with timing. And we talked, maybe it was, I don't know if it was last week or the week before, about some some general rules of kind of about dating, taking some of the seasons post-diving getting through all four seasons post-divorce to get into your groove with your kids, new environments, getting your head on stray, figuring out what we talk about all the time is your values and beliefs and what you want to do and the intentions around dating and and uh and all that stuff, which I think is a is a is a really good general rule for for for dads doing that. So the kind of the the the divorce dust rule, if if you will, is number one, make sure you're divorced first.
SPEAKER_01:You mean finalized, right?
SPEAKER_00:The divorce is finalized, ink is on the paper, filed with the county, and yeah, and and and so and and and look, and a lot of these I am speaking from making the mistakes around this. And this was one of them, like I introduced my kids before I was divorced. What happened?
SPEAKER_01:What happened when you made that mistake?
SPEAKER_00:So so it actually turned out really, really well. The woman that I introduced them to was a terrific, terrific woman, and and was very kind to my daughters and had a very positive influence on my daughters. Now, our relationship was chaotic and a mess and just not really, really positive. And and the the drawback to that was that it didn't la it it wasn't it didn't last long term, right? So so unfortunately and and they were a little bit, they were younger, right? They were like uh five, seven, and and and nine. So so that is disappointing in the in the respect that you know they didn't have a long-term relationship with somebody that was a role model for them, although this particular individual did stay in their lives as a friend for many, many years post-divorce. So it it worked out really well. In hindsight, going back, you know, I did not I was I was I was doing plug and play. Like, oh, the one is uh the one's leaving, I'm gonna plug somebody else in new to that. And guess what? I I basically plugged in very at least from a relational dynamic, a very similar person to who I was divorcing. Oh, imagine that.
SPEAKER_01:Your daughter, your daughter's like, yeah, this this one's a lot like mom.
SPEAKER_00:Crazy, huh? Yeah, yeah. So so I didn't do everything we talk about, which is the the the inventory, understanding, figuring out your relational dynamic, what your values are, your like everything that we always describe, that you always talk about, the great advice you always give. I didn't do any of that, right? So so that's why I say don't. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:So let me so let me speak to the to the other side, you know, of the the the the person coming into the family that's that's not a part of it. That that question of attachment from the children, it first of all, I think we need to break this down into some age groups. I'm not exactly sure what it would be, but maybe one of them is about three, four years old and under, you know, you're dealing with kids that, you know, memories aren't really forming that firmly in their minds, you know, that they don't have a strong sense of identity. I think once you get to like elementary age, maybe five to ten, somewhere in there, then that's a whole different kind of thing. Like, can this person take me to activities that I want to go to? I'd say that's maybe another age range. Then you got sort of early puberty, and then you got late teenage years and a you know, young adult. And you're gonna be, you're gonna be running into all kinds of different concerns of responsibility and guardianship as as a dad, depending on what that age range is. So I think I think for for all the guys listening to this, you're gonna have to adapt it, adapt the advice, adapt the approach to the age of the children that you have. Um one of my concerns as as a as a man dating a woman with children is if and then when I get introduced to those children, what is their level of attachment going to be? And is my relationship with this woman established and is it revealed enough? Do we know enough about each other, our compatibility, and our potential, you know, our the potential for a long-term future together? How much is that established before I get introduced to the children? Because the thing that I don't want, and I've I've had it happen a few times, is I I'm an adult, I can handle severing attachment because I'm independent. That's what adults are. Children are dependent. So their their idea of attachment is completely different. And and you know, they form a bond on somebody, they're not expecting that person to leave.
SPEAKER_02:Right.
SPEAKER_01:And, you know, and I and I feel like that is when it comes to considerations of children, particularly if they're, I'd say, in that five to 10 age range, that's particularly important. Even in the early puberty, you know, up to maybe about age 14 or so, the attachment is still there, particularly if the dad hasn't been around. You know, I know we're talking about you know, bringing women into the situation, but I'm just laying out some of the context for me that I've really been concerned about, and I have seen not enough responsibility um exercised on the part of the parent.
SPEAKER_00:Right. And and yeah, I call that the the kid readiness check. So I I just wanted to the divorce dust rule that I'm calling, I just want to lay that out there. Until you have a finalized divorce, just don't. So the dust is all the dust is settled. The divorce dust rule is that you are completely divorced before you ever introduce your kids to somebody else because that that time frame is so chaotic. There's so much going on, there's so much uncertainty that even the most well-adjusted adults are gonna have a challenge in introducing kids and dealing with that whole thing. Kids, absolutely not, like they have not had the the the time to adapt to two different environments, two separate households, like all that happening. And so that divorce dust rule, at least for me, is don't introduce your kids into at all during the divorce until the divorce is done. So that's what I want to lay out. And then the next one, and and in and this is this is debated uh quite a lot. And and you know, I mean, I don't like making hard and fast rules about stuff. Yes, you do, dude. You love making it. These are not you know, actually, I do. I like to have guidelines like uh in in in general. Guidelines, we just call them guidelines, not rules. But the the the the next one is guidelines, and so you started to hit on it, which I think is really important, and and and and it's debated. Therapists and psychologists talk about it, but they talk about kind of the the six months time frame of dating exclusively with somebody, and you and you started to hit on that around the reasons why that time frame seems to be a general guideline, a general rule uh of why. And so let's let's talk about why that that six months and you and you started to to to to allude to it, but let's expand upon that.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, so one of the things that strikes me about that six-month period is you've probably burned off the honeymoon phase. Now, I'm not saying burn it off as in you shouldn't enjoy it. Absolutely enjoy the honeymoon phase. You know, hormones are going wild, you know, everything is new and fun and exciting. And and of course, people are perfect during the honeymoon phase. Don't skip that. Enjoy that, really do it, but keep the kids the heck out of it. Um the kids should not be part of the honeymoon phase, and that takes self-restraint and discipline uh in order to do that. I think when you reach the six-month point, you can start hopefully to think that you know, we're probably not in the honeymoon anymore. We're starting to see more of you know what the person's really like, and you can see it from a sober point of view. But I imagine six months is the lower limit of what people put out there. I would say probably between six to twelve months is probably the guideline. I would say at 12 months, you definitely know, you know, much more who this person is. You know, if if things are just going to kind of fizzle out, you know, if it was a flash in the pan and it doesn't really go anywhere, you're not going to be dating them, you know, a year later. You're you're just not. So I I think I think time is one of the factors uh that comes into that. The the the funny part in my mind is so I have so I get out of the honeymoon phase. I'm into an established relationship with a woman. And again, I'm talking as this the single guy, and she's got kids, and I have an established relationship with her. We're out of the honeymoon phase and we're sort of constructing, you know, an established relationship, but there's a huge part of her life that I don't know. I haven't met her kids. And so in a certain way, I'm not dealing with the full reality of who and what she is. So there's there's, you know, there's the, I guess there's an interim period where I have to realize, okay, I'm committed, you know, we're we're we're carrying this forward, and I have to just hold space, I guess would be the word, for the fact that I don't, I haven't seen the full package. I don't know everything that's coming down the pipeline.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, and it's not even I like that first six months, I would even call it's not even honey, it's more like uh infatuation and just attraction and like just sheer physiology, right? Like like you're not like like you're not even get you're not even getting in, you're not you haven't even spent enough time, particularly so so here's the here's the the challenge with with this and that I see oftentimes and and was one of the mis what one of the challenges is you've got we've talked about like how to date you've got so much going on that being able to get that time and carve out that time, you're like, man, it would just be easier if we could just like do it with the kids, right? Like that's the that's the mindset you gotta stay away from. It's tempting to kill. Yeah, it's very, very tempting. It's very tempting.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, you have to exercise discipline for the sake of the kids to keep everybody protected. And because again, when we're in that infatuation place, and for me, when I say honeymoon period, that means we're infatuated and we're exclusive. For me, it's not a honeymoon phase if you're just dating recreationally with other women. For me, the honeymoon period is you're still feeling that infatuation and you're exclusive. And but when you're there, you're thinking, this is it, this is her, this is the woman. We should just go all in and take the kids. We're gonna go on trips. And it's like, yeah, it and and it sucks, you know, because before we had kids, you know, you jump in the two of you and you you go for the ride and you take it. Now you have to separate. I mean, it's almost it's almost like tearing yourself apart inside because you have you know your children that you love more than life itself, and then you have this amazing connection with this woman that you have more hope in the world than you have for anything else. Right. And you can't let the two of them come together inside of you. And it it's such a it's such a difficult space to try and hold for really what feels like a long time.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, and and and so on uh on that point, that's why it is critical to wait as long as possible until you really have a very good feel, like a really good feeling. So you could be exclusive, right? Like we we talk about in the past how to go exclusive, how to date, like how to set up the dates. You need to really spend a lot of time dating this person to get a good feedback around what that person is is is like and whether this is person, this is somebody that you want to have around your kids long term. Now, if that's not your intention, then just forget. Like, if that's not your intention, just forget about don't even if in unless your intention is to have a long-term relationship and and blend your environment with this person's environment, whether they're single, whether they have family, just like don't even think about it then.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, right. You know, like and I I just want to say that's a valid approach. I was I was a private saxophone teacher, you know, back when I was in college. And I remember there was one single mom. I would come over, you know, when she was there and give her son saxophone lessons. I never ever, ever met the dad. I don't, yeah, I don't think I ever met him. But what I what I learned later in life, because we became friends, me and the mom, what I learned later in life is she had two completely separate lives. One was the three or four days out of the week when she had her kids and she was a mom. And then she had the three or four days out of the week when she didn't. Her dating life never, ever, ever crossed that boundary. She just made the decision that they were going to be two separate lives for her. Now it worked well because she had the kids 50-50. And I'm not, I'm not trying to say that's the best way to do it, but it is a valid way to do it. Sure.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. And you know what I've I've found that I think women do a better job of that than men. And I I I've found that that men tend to want to well, you know, you you talk about men are blowtorches and women are women are ovens, but I've I have run into women who are like, well, I haven't even dated in three years. And it's like, wow, okay, yeah, that's yeah, that's that's tremendous. And and and they're like, well, you know, I it wasn't time. I needed to have things structured with my kids, and like, it's like, wow, that's that is an immense amount of discipline and and and self-focus and family focus. And absolutely. And and I've had others who have have that I've that I've met and are like, yep, nope, my children don't meet anybody, haven't met anybody, and and I've met others now, you know, at this age, uh like my my kids have never been introduced to anybody, and I'm just waiting until they're old enough to to be on their own to start dating. And you know, that's a sacrifice that that I felt was necessary for for for them, which is is amazing. And I've had I I've met dads that that do that too, but more by and large, it's more women that do that. It's I don't know. I just it's just uh it's just an observation. It's interesting, but I just mostly maybe say that's for guys to just recognize that maybe that's a masculine, maybe that's a masculine thing, wanting to to find a new partner, wanting to to to reestablish that that family thing.
SPEAKER_01:You'd think that that would be the flip flip side. I think I think that's exactly everybody, every man that's ever cheated on his wife is trying to say, yeah, that's it. I'm always looking for my new partner. That is we that could be very, very easily twisted around. Um okay. I've got okay, so I've got a question here. I've never thought through this, and I don't have any visibility or almost no visibility on. On this. So okay, there's there's introducing the woman to your children, you know, and they're interacting and all of that. But what are sort of the warm-up steps that you share with your children? Okay, so we'll start at the very beginning. I am scry, you know, I'm swiping on a dating app, and my daughters are there going, yeah, dad, no dad. You know, they're there at the very beginning before I've even like talked with them. Do they know when I'm going out on a date? Does it do I wait until I've been on three or four or five dates before I tell them, hey, so I've been on a few dates with somebody? When do I show them a picture of her?
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:You know, and even, and I know this is kind of I know this is probably stepping over the line, but you know, is there a place and a moment where they maybe have heard her voice or they maybe have even had a video call, but they haven't actually met in person. I'm curious how you kind of how you pace all that out in prelude to uh introducing, potentially introducing a woman to your children.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, so great questions. I'm gonna step it back a little, a little bit because because this is very age specific, and it really depends upon the I feel the age of the children and what you can, what you should and what you can be sharing with them at any given time. I so the way that I eventually started to view it when I got my shit together was this is a great opportunity to share with them dating, right? Like this is an opportunity that actually I would have never been able to have had I stayed married. So there would be no example with them to help them to learn and understand this whole process. Now that didn't hang on, dude.
SPEAKER_01:I gotta I gotta jump in and say that that is beautiful. Like that is amazing. That you know, when you're in a marriage, you're modeling the marriage, you're modeling how to be loving and showing affection. But here, as a single man, you have the opportunity to model for your sons or daughters how a healthy adult can go about dating and what it should look like. I just want to say that that is an amazing mind mindset shift.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, thanks. And and and I and I encourage the the the dads that do want to have a long-term relationship with somebody that are out there dating to adopt that mindset because then what it what it helps you to do then is be inclusive with with your children about what's going on. And part of that inclusivity is helping them to understand that it's it's okay, it's good, and it's healthy for you to be dating. Like that is natural. And and that was a mind shit, mind mindset shift that I needed to have also, which is well, I don't need to be hiding this. I don't need to be, I I need to actually be sharing that, yeah, daddy is has female friends, daddy likes to go on dates. Like that's how I frame it.
SPEAKER_01:Daddy's lonely.
SPEAKER_00:Daddy's horny. No. Yeah. So so in when they're when they're younger, that was starting the the conversation. Yeah, daddy has a female friend. Daddy's gonna went on a date with uh a female friend. And you know, when they're younger, they don't really, you know, they're like, oh, a date, like, you know, and and and then but I would talk to them with it age appropriately when when they were younger about what what I was doing. Now, as as they got older, they became middle school, preteens, and then in the teens, then that changed a little bit. Now, I don't so I've been thinking about this a little bit recently too, because because of our are talking about cold approaches and stuff like that. So I've never included them in the process of of meeting women, but I have included them with how I go out on dates, how I ask for dates, what we do on dates, kind of the mindset around stuff, how I feel like I need to lead the dates, and and some of the stuff that that we talk to there, talk to here, I share with them because they are that you know now they're young, they're young women actually doing their own own dating, right? So, but one of the things that I hadn't haven't done that I that I feel it would be appropriate is is maybe talking to them about that, like how guys approach them. Like I talk about it with them when when you know they're when boys are approaching them, but I haven't been out. Like when I'm out, I don't talk to women, I don't approach, which I don't think is a bad thing, but it actually can be an opportunity to show them, hey, well, this is an appropriate way to have a nice a warm interaction, like we talk about with a with a woman.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I I I love the expression with children more is caught than taught.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:So when you're talking to them, yeah, yeah, they sort of see it, but it's what you model for them. And to your point, if you're hiding how you approach women or how you interact with women, how you ask a woman out, you're not a you're not modeling it for them. They're not able to actually see it and feel it. If you're like, oh, well, when a boy does this, this is all theoretical in their head, right? And that's not really gonna stick. So I I I think that's true. Also, the just coming back for a minute, the the preparing for a date. I I believe we we touched on this briefly when talking about men's style and how you dress. I I think that could be a really nice way to warm up and include the children in your experience in dating. Yeah. Not involving the woman. They've never met her, they've never seen her, but they can see that dad's, you know, dad's dad's happy, he's excited, he's going out. You know, did you have a good time when they come back? You know, they're involved in the process. Well, do you think I should wear this shirt or that shirt? It, you know, rather than them feeling like they're being left alone with a babysitter and there's a part of their dad that they don't have access to, yeah, involving them in that process of, well, what do you think I should wear? You know, what would be fun? You know, I think that that in a lot of ways helps the children feel more at peace and complete and and integrated, you know, in in your dating process, even even before they're meeting the woman.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. And and you know, it's so it's it's it's kind of weird, right? Because, and especially when they get older, because they start asking questions, and you might be like, ah, I don't want to ask questions. And and I don't do I don't do a great job of this. And and now that we're discussing it, you know, I'm thinking like, because like I went out on a date last night and my and I come home and my like my my my girls are older, like they're in and out of the house because they're teens and they're doing stuff, and so sometimes we're just crossing, but like I I need to do a better job now of just having more, like, oh, you know, how was it? And then I'm just like, oh, it was okay, it was good. Like, I didn't, you know, I that was it.
SPEAKER_01:Like interaction, you're just like the boys I'm trying to date.
SPEAKER_00:I know exactly. They're like, you're a freaking teen, man. Like, do you have any emotion in you or what? Like, so you know, I need to do to do, but you know, that comes back to the to the whole concept, and this is the same concept if you're if you're modeling a healthy lifestyle, you're you're you're you're you're modeling anything in your life, you need to be, you need to include, you need to talk about it, you need to to not like have this weird stigma. Well, you know, and that's gonna be the best way to to prepare them for what you're doing.
SPEAKER_01:And obviously, this is age appropriate. You're talking about conversations you have with, you know, uh preteen and teen, you know, children. But I think even saying saying to them, you know, like, well, you know, she said this to me. You know, if you were in her shoes and you said that, what do you, what do you, what would you have meant? You know, and and it's it's allowing her to really speak into it, particularly, you know, if if you're if you're a dad and you're talking with your daughters, they do have different instinctive insights than we do. Similarly, they might they might have all these questions for this woman, and it's appropriate for a young girl to ask to a woman, but it's not appropriate for a man on a date to ask a woman, you know, and I I think it's I think it's important to start to treat them, you know, in appropriate ways as young adults and and ask them so, well, you know, they said this. What how would you feel? What would make you happy in this situation for me to say, and it's I I I know this might sound like I'm putting a burden on your kid, like they're trying to be your therapist. That's not at all what I mean. I'm I'm talking about just like you're saying, opening up the dialogue, making it so that, you know, as appropriate, you're sharing things, and you're providing the opportunity for some emotional intelligence discussion to take place. It's it's really just including them in the conversation. It's not asking them to coach you or be your therapist or anything like that. That's what me and you were for, Jude.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Well, at least you still learning lots of lots of this stuff. But so so the really the the the next step is kind of the what what I'm calling the long haul question. Is this is this somebody, you know, you you need to be thinking about is this somebody that actually likes kids, right? If she doesn't have kids, does she just not tolerate them? She does have kids, kind of how do you feel about how she's parenting her kids? Like that's a big question that you need to ask yourself first before you decide, well, let's introduce the kids together. Like that conversation, and I'll tell you, Dallas, this has been the biggest and most difficult challenge for me is the differences in in parenting styles. Uh, and I would say mostly because of the what what what I would describe as a of a lack of respect by most women for the the importance of the way a father, the way a father parents, because it's very, very different. And so I would just uh you know guys, I'm gonna be I'm gonna be really clear about this. Having these conversations and and talking about these things is one of the reasons you need to spend that six to twelve months before introducing, because you need to get an understanding and a gauge of where she's at, how she parents, and then how she feels about relational dynamics and dad's importance in in her kiddos' lives, you in your kiddos' lives, etc. Because unfortunately in our society, there is a diminishment of fatherhood and the importance of fatherhood in kids' lives. And if you're running into that with somebody, I would say, look, you're you're not gonna change it. You're not gonna change it, you're not gonna have the there's not gonna be an epiphany, and you don't want that in your life because it's probably a reason why her marriage and or her relationship has has not worked out, and you don't want to be carrying that. And it might be part of yours, but you don't want to be carrying that forward. You want to have a again modeling something that is healthy going forward. So if you start to see those red flags and you're not gonna see those red flags right away and just having fun or like in that infatuation period, or when you guys are like really hot and heavy and not and bothered with with each other, it's gonna be in those quiet moments when you're having conversations, when you're talking about, well, her kid just did this, and what was her reaction to it? So talk about that. I like I'm I'm serious about this one, Dallas, because this is really, really hard and it will only cause more problems for you and your kiddos.
SPEAKER_01:I I think I think you're I think you're right. It takes time to reveal how a person actually parents, especially if there are no kids around, there's no parenting taking place. And you don't want to wait until the kids are around to reveal how this person parents, how you parent, and whether or not those two are compatible. And to your point, if your parenting styles are not compatible, it's easier to just move on and find someone that does have a compatible parenting style. Yeah. I think I think the way we'd look at this, and you know, we touched on this on earlier episodes. I think what the way to look at it is you should have essentially parenting strategy sessions with this woman before the kids are involved. And what I mean by a strategy session is, you know, oh, this happened with my daughters, or, you know, what's going on with your kids. And you talk about real life events. And here we're not we're talking first about the facts. They didn't, they didn't turn in their homework for a week straight. I got a call from the teacher, and I don't know if they even still do that, but you get a call from the teacher and you're and and you're you're you're faced with this with this sticky situation. And then, you know, and so you share the facts with the woman, or the woman, hopefully, you're prompting her to share facts with you. So we all know just what the situation is separate from how we're parenting it.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:And then are we both having an effective strategy session as a male guardian and as a female guardian, as a mother and a father roles? Are we having an effective strategy session talking about, well, you know, I feel like this. What do you think? Is it is it something that is a collaborative effort? And in those strategy sessions, that that other person's parenting style will reveal itself. I think there should be a regular, this should be a regular part of your discussions with somebody is is to hash it out. And last thing I just want to mention real quick is as a man, you need to, you need to go first in your vulnerability of being curious to really hear what her parenting style is. You need to ask her, so as a mom, what would you do when my daughter says something like this to me? Where is she coming from? You have to really be vulnerable. You can't lead with your opinion and think that that's going to open up her mind to an open exchange. It's not. You have to ask her for her opinions first, if you want her in turn to accept your opinions as a dad. Right.
SPEAKER_00:And I think I wanna, I wanna, I wanna clarify. I I don't think they need to be compatible as much as they need to be complementary.
SPEAKER_01:Okay, yes.
SPEAKER_00:And I don't think that that's probably I mean, there's some women.
SPEAKER_01:I think compatible and complimentary are similar. Me and a woman are compatible. I'm more masculine, she's more feminine. But you're right, it's complementary, not the same. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Right, right, right, right. And and and and you need to know that as a dad. And and I think I so I I was this was a difficult learning curve for me because I was there was a period where I parented my daughters 100% of the time. So I was trying to be dad and mom, which is it's impossible. It's it's impossible to do. But understanding your strengths as a as a dad and what you do well with you with your masculine and as a dad is important, but also respecting and understanding what a woman, how a woman parents is very important too. So when you when you're getting that feedback and you're sharing and talking about that stuff, it's it's likely to be very, very different than what you might be thinking or feeling or doing. So having those discussions and having an open mind around, okay, yeah, like I had to, I had to really open my mind to, oh, okay, like that's a completely different perspective on on parenting, and I can appreciate how that helps. Now, it also helped having other like women in their lives that that I was dating to see that in in action and and collaborate on on that with somebody and have those conversations, which which takes us then like to then like how do you introduce once you see once you feel comfortable with this. But I think if you take anything, like this is so complicated, but if you take anything, those conversations are important conversations. Those are the con you're like, it's great, talk about the you know the football playoffs. It's great to go have fun and go to the hot spring. Like, but you've got to be, you've got to be dating, you've got to be having these conversations, you gotta be, you've got to, you it is incumbent upon you to be facilitat like initiating and facilitating these conversations so that you can get the the feedback, engage whether or not it's it's this important, guys. It's that important, guys, because it's your kiddo's mental and emotional state with this with this person.
SPEAKER_01:And and so you know, we we were all dating before we got married, in, you know, from the gut. You know, we're shooting from the hip, we're going with what feels good. We have to integrate much more intentionality because we have larger responsibilities. And and I think in this episode, we're simply spelling out a lot of the components that need to be there to intentionally date with a woman before you bring her into your kids' lives.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. And and then and when you do the introduction, this this needs to be intentional. You need to have the conversations around the fact that they might ignore you if they're teens, they might act out a little bit.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. But just because they're ignoring you doesn't mean there isn't a whole lot going on inside. Right. You know, there's plenty going on, and it takes time. And and that's another reason there's a there's a that warm-up period before you introduce you know that woman, you want the kids to have had a chance to warm up and hopefully get to a positive place where they're looking forward to meeting this woman that makes their dad so happy.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. And some other some other guidelines. You wanna you wanna keep the PDA to like minimum to or or or nothing in in the beginning, right? Like, especially if your kids have not seen you with somebody or it's not been a period of time from divorce. So so help them to get comfortable with you having just another female person around and in your environment. Start on neutral ground. Like your home is your environment, it's kind of their safe place. Don't do it at your home. Go to the park, have fun, go to you know, do something. Doing something is the best way to do it because it doesn't make it weird, it doesn't make force any conversation. Like activity-based is is really good if you can find something again, age appropriate, or if you can find something that any teen is gonna want to participate in that is there's off the phone. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And then, you know, introductions again, this is age appropriate. It can be, hey, this is my when they're younger, this is my friend Sarah. And it's a and it's a friend. That's not gonna fly with the teens, right? So hopefully you're not gonna have to worry that much about it if you've included them in the process of, yeah, like, hey, I've been, you know, dating Sarah, and we've been on this date, and we've done this, and she does this, and she has this many kids, and like having these conversations. I'll tell you, the best place, Dallas, that that I found for conversations like this is the dinner table. Like when you're we if you have a regular dinner time with the with kiddos, you can have you can you can filter in, you can move in these, you know, these conversations about about this stuff, and they're open. Everybody feels good because they're they're eating, and even like to this to this day, my my daughter. Talk more at dinner than any other time. If I want anything, it's like dinner time is going to be the time. And like sometimes I gotta like, okay, we gotta go. Like, we gotta get stuff done. Like they'll talk and talk and talk. So that's a great opportunity.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. Yeah. That's that that's wonderful that you've established that place where they are, they go, they naturally feel relaxed enough to start sharing and blabbing. Because you know, if you go to their bedroom, they're doing stuff. What you know, it might not be something important, but they're occupied in doing things and we're interrupting that activity. When everyone comes to the table and it's seen as communal, and the fact that you've you've gotten your daughters to a place where they just naturally open up, I mean, that's awesome. And I would say let them blab on as much as they want because you miss those days when they're not there doing for sure.
SPEAKER_00:And and the other thing that I've experienced in when working, so I've got daughters. Women, I think, naturally converse and you know, commute like around a table. Like that's something that's natural for women. Boys, not so much. Like, like my daughter just had a like an a new friend, like boy that's a friend over. Like he was silent at at the dinner the the other night, right? So, but boys and then but I've got buddies that that, yeah, just like you know, not making eye contact with anybody, eating his pasta. Anyway, like oh, it takes me back. I'm like, how nerve-wracking. And I'm trying to be funny and nice and and whatnot, but but boys do things and and and like I've got a buddy and he works on his car with his with his son a lot, and that's their conversation time, right? Like they're that's when they're like, hey buddy, you know, and they're you know turning a wrench or or or or doing something. So I think boys sometimes if you're in an activity or doing something, that's a a more appropriate way, but just find it. You're gonna know what your your kiddos are like, but find those times to work in those conversations or work in the activities with them to do that introduction with them because it just makes it's just like takes like the like the stress way, way down.
SPEAKER_01:It does. So, you know, I've heard it as you know, men relate to each other shoulder to shoulder, meaning we're facing the same direction, we're we're attacking as a tribe, we're gonna attack the other tribe shoulder to shoulder. And women relate more knee to knee. So they're they're facing each other, they're squared off with each other, that's how they connect. You know, they they the oxytocin from from the eye contact. So let's imagine for a minute you're a dad and you're dating a woman and she's bringing kids into the mix, and one of the kids is a son, because that's where you're you're in that situation that you're in. I think in most of those situations, it's sort of he's uh he's looking for the lead. You bring that boy to a dinner table and he's supposed to sit still and make conversation, that's not where most young men come alive. I mean, some do, but I'd say that's probably the minority. If you, you know, if you you know, if you're looking, you know, to relate to and connect with the son of or sons of the woman that you're dating, I I would say, come on, man, like I can I gotta do this thing. Can you give me a hand? You give them a task, it gives them a job. I gotta clear out my garage here or something. And it's like, you know, they're gonna do whatever, you know. This might, you know, we can just kind of get to know each other a little bit. And like the two of you going through some kind of a trial or, hey man, I gotta go pick up this stuff from whatever. Do you want to come with me? Again, it's about the task, it's about the orientation, it's about getting something done. Um, I think you know, boys tend to respond to that better. Um, I I think we like to be invited. I think we like to be given something where we feel useful, where we feel like we can do this. Hey, man, I gotta I gotta take some measurements on this. Can you hold the other end of this tape measure while I take some notes? I mean, it thing things like that, you know, that that again, it's you're modeling. And it's not not like you become his dad, but you are modeling for him. Hey, dude, this is the stuff that I do. I'm a physical guy. I was gonna go to the batting cage. Do you want to come with, you know, do you and your mom want to come with me? And maybe, maybe the girls don't want to go do the batting, but you and him go.
SPEAKER_00:You know, I think it's maybe not, yeah, maybe not like one of the first ones, but maybe eventually when you're yeah, when you're building a uh a relationship. And that's that's a good point. So, Dallas, that's that takes collaboration with your romantic partner. That takes uh intentionality, and you really need to talk through this in hey, what like what how like how do we do this? What would be a good way to do it? Don't be like, like, okay, yeah, let's just do it on like on Sunday, and everybody comes over and it's like really take the time, think about it, think about your kids, think about their personalities, think if they're boys or girls, think about what they're interested in, how they uh how you've seen them uh connect in the past, and then plan it out like that. And then, yeah, like you said also, like you can, you know, and that and those first ones really should be short and sweet. Just like not not like not a long, you're not going away for the weekend, like you're not you're not planning a marathon day of anything.
SPEAKER_01:It's just like 45 minutes to an hour and pizza buffet pizza buffet, so you go you go to the park, if everything goes well, then you go to the pizza buffet. There's no sitting down the table. People come and go. There's a crane game in the back that you can go and play. I mean, like stuff like that. You know, Dave and Busters, you know, where there's a lot of noise and a lot of people other than you that these that that can be interacted with.
SPEAKER_00:Well, and how and how you always describe how you want to have create an experience for the woman, same thing. You wanted to create an experience for the the kids and for this opportunity because it really is an opportunity, right? And no matter how they show up, yeah, you can choose how you want to show up in the in in the environment that you create.
SPEAKER_01:And and they're looking to you. You're the older, bigger man. It they're looking to you to take the lead, you know, and you know, and and you know that there's going to be a conversation later where that mom is talking to their kids. So what do you think of Dallas? What do you think of Jude? You know, because it's like, okay, what do we want then? What do we want those kids to say? Oh, he was fun. He was funny, he was, yeah, we just did stuff. Yeah. Yeah. You know, that's their that's a kid's a reflection and summary of a positive experience with with a with a new parent, you know, with a with a new adult being brought into their family circuit.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:That's that you know, that's what you're shooting for. And that's the sort of experience. And again, for and again, I'm thinking about this as you know, I'm thinking about the woman with children because that's where I have the experience. Oh man, making that kid giggle, laugh, have fun. Okay, let me let me actually share with you that this was a uh this was an experience I had with a single mom years ago. She had a little girl, gosh, I want to say she was like let under three years old. Like she was really little. And and we we we had to go to the market. You know, we'd we I'd seen the child, you know, several times at this point. And we had to go to the market to pick up some groceries. And it was it was one of those things where the mom was tired after work and and the kid was like, I don't want to be doing this, you know. And and I'm there and I've got plenty of energy because I don't have kids that are draining my battery all during the day. You know, and so we do it, we do our thing and all that kind of stuff, and we get we get to the we get to the car and we put away the groceries and we got to go take the shopping cart away. And I I asked my date, I was like, are we in a rush right now? Do we have to be anywhere? She's like, no. And I said, Can you just can you just go with me on this one? She goes, sure. So I so I was like, hey, do you want to go, you know, hop in the cart? And she's like, yeah. So I put her in the cart. And they it was like a massive parking lot, and it was in the evening, so it was kind of dark, but there was lights on. And I just started pushing her in the shopping cart, like out to the X, like the outskirts of the parking lot. There were no cars around. And I started to hear these really weird sounds coming from the shopping cart. And I look over at the mom, I'm like, is she okay? Like, I don't know if she's like having a meltdown and crying and terrified. Like, I don't know what's going on. And and the and the mom looks over and she's like, Oh, she's having the time of her life. She was like squealing and giggling, and you know, like all the stuff was happening. All I did was take five minutes to break out of the the the chores, and I took her on an adventure in a shopping cart in in an empty parking lot. And then we and then we said, Well, wait, there's a little more. And then we screamed. Creative, yeah. Yeah. Well, well, it it is creative, but it's it's also, you know, I've talked about how you have a plan, but then you have to also follow your instincts. I sensed that everybody, me included, needed to break out from the should do's of the day for a minute. And especially this child needed to feel like she she needed to go to an amusement park for a minute, you know, pretty much. And I was like, Well, I've got a shopping cart, I'm gonna give her a ride. So I gave her a ride. The mom loved it. It it recharged her battery like 50%, like instantly, to see her daughter giggling and laughing and having a really cool, you know, possibly core childhood moment.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:And, you know, and then we stopped at a planter. I took her out, and there was like big gravel rocks, and she was like taking the gravel rocks and like dropping them into the cart to see if they would pass through or not. And so she was occupying herself in in a good, constructive, you know, kind of playground way. And then I had a moment with you know, with the mom, and we're just chatting about whatever, and then and then everybody was regulated after that. Like everybody felt good. That's an experience. And and let me let me the the whole point of telling that story was you get in good with that parent through the child in ways that you simply cannot with her. And when you're out with the kids having fun or whatever, also understand that the more those kids are laughing, squealing, having fun, all that kind of stuff, the more the mom is getting turned on.
SPEAKER_00:Amen to to to that. And and I want to add that they're also experiencing a different type of masculinity with with you, right? Because they might be used to their family, maybe their grandparents or aunts or our uncles, but specifically their dad. And you're gonna be very like we're all different people. You're gonna be very different. So having that exposure and doing something like that and creating that environment, that is a good thing for kids to to be able to see. And then like all of what you described is great.
SPEAKER_01:I believe it was last week's episode we were talking about do you have to spend a lot of money uh when you're on a date? And one of the core messages was it's really a man's creativity that is that is the the the truly scarce and precious resource. Um it's the same thing when you're interacting with the kids, it's your creativity that's going to really be the thing that shines out. That's gonna be the thing that really delivers the experience, is your your creativity.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, it's it's it does not cost a lot of money in this world to be creative and fun if you can approach it with the right mindset. It's like there's opportunities everywhere to be able to do that. Now, it's hard to release the burdens and the stresses of life to get into that. Basically, what you're just what you what I'm hearing you describe to me, Dallas, is get in that childlike, playful mode and and then live it with them, with their mom.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I'm sorry, but like why did I bother to become an adult if it wasn't so that I could break free from all the rules and do what I want and be the kid that I want to be?
SPEAKER_02:Right.
SPEAKER_01:That's why I pay my bills. It's not to pay the bills and be a good adult. I pay my bills so I can build forts in my living room when I watch a movie and sleep where I'm not supposed to, because I'm a grown-ass man taking care of myself, and I get to do whatever I want now. That's why we're doing this. That it it's weird that you it's sort of like the black belt that becomes the white belt again. You make the full circle back to the beginning. The whole reason for doing all this work as a man is so you can be a fun, loving child again within your own safe container.
SPEAKER_02:I got a question. Okay.
SPEAKER_01:I got a question because I know we're coming up on time here, and there is there is one group of children that we have not talked about, and it is a large group of children. It is it is the failure to launch little birdies, you know, that left the nest and came back. So we're gonna we're gonna call this the children in their 20s, and we're we're saying we're hopefully they're not in their 30s. I I've I a lot of my clients actually struggle when there is a child in their 20s living at home with mom because that's a whole different dynamic. Because it's like, are are you gonna do something with yourself? There's a whole there's there's kind of a stale feeling about that. What uh what do you have to say on that topic?
SPEAKER_00:I would say that goes to those uh that those conversations that you're having around parenting and what is your parenting, what are what's the parenting plan? What are like how are you handling this? What's the situation? Are they paying a rent? Are they responsible? Do they have life goals? Like is there a reason that they're looking into the mindset around it? Why are you paying all of their bills still and they don't have a job or they're not going to school? Like, then you can be like, hmm, all right, I don't know that I want to move into like i again. So what a vetting process.
SPEAKER_01:So what so what I'm hearing, and I this sounds this this rings true with me, is it's an opportunity to have those parenting strategy session talks with somebody and reveal incompatibilities you might have because you're like, well, I I'm sorry, like the only time a child's coming back home is because they are saving up money for something, they're they're working towards something. There's a plan. It's not just we don't know what else to do.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, absolutely. And I I so me personally, and in and this is a conversation I have with almost all the the the women that I date now is this idea around what happens to kids once they're 18 or 19 or 20, because mine are now in in that age, and and I'm not of the philosophy that they got to go out and automatically get their own, you know, figure their life out, because I look, man, I didn't I still don't, but I at 18 did not have my shit figured out, right? And so expecting children to go and do that, I think is uh like a concept I don't quite understand in in our general society these days. So so I I firmly believe that there's this incubation period and you should be help like helping them to figure out their their their life, but how you're doing that is really, really important. And if that's not like if that's not compatible, look, dude, you're like basically you're it's not gonna for me, it's not gonna work because you're got another decade of a like a man or a girl child that is still living in you're just not you're not ever gonna be able to have the relationship you you want to have.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, and what I'm hearing again is you want to reveal all of this through deliberate discussions with a woman before you're introduced to their children or before you introduce her to your children.
SPEAKER_00:Yep, absolutely. The the conversations, conversation is so important, I feel, Dallas, and in in in in this. And just you know, just having convers like I I don't, you know, you can do this without it without having like without having to be DA style, right? Like, like you know, you've all we've all met that woman who shows up with the 20, the the 20 questions and comes at you DA style. Like you don't want to be doing that, and you don't want to do it on the first date. Like it's a it's a you know, I you you tease me. It's like you like peeling the layers of the like you don't want to you don't want to be you don't want to be interrogated or deposed DA style on what like your life is. You don't want like you want to peel the layers away slowly, you want to have these conversations, you want it to be enjoyable and interesting.
SPEAKER_01:See what kind of reactions, if the reactions are bad, then that's the that's the you know I mean you know, and one way to one way to avoid the interrogation or the drilling into somebody is to see see this woman, and I mean maybe this might be the healthy way to look at it. This woman should be a resource to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And and and so when you're so when you're having these discussions, it's not to find out her opinions, it's for you as a dad to get good, you know, intel from a female, you know, as a resource of how you can parent and understand your children better. If you approach it that way, it's going to open her up because she's going to feel respected, she's going to feel heard, she's going to feel valued, she's going to feel like you're really seeing her as a potential future component of your family.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. Maybe we need to do an entire episode just that concept and that mindset because I love that. It's it's something that that I practice because like I'm surrounded by Dallas and all the other dads and and men and everything else. Like I have I have some, you know, I've got some female uh acquaintances and and friends, but like yeah, you know, having those intimate conversations with a mother that you have a romantic interest with that might like want to parent and mother together, like that is a great, you know, a great resource. And mothers are a great resource, dad. Like we don't it's a it's um like the the the knowledge and the insights and what they can like in a perfect we we're unfortunately us dads that are lit on listening to this may not have experiences, but when you have that dynamic with somebody and you have that relationship and you're doing it with the kids, it like it is absolutely freaking phenomenal having that that that that yin and that yang and that masculine feminine that energy and the collaboration and the ability to support and love each other and and have your and and and surround and lift up your families around it. It's absolutely it's absolutely amazing. And the only way you get to that is what you're describing, which is a resource.
SPEAKER_01:See her as a resource. And let me just zoom out one more step. I see women as resources, one, because I'm a dating coach. So I am always listening to them and trying to understand where they're coming from, what's going on. I'm always asking them, so when I, you know, in dating, when I say this or when I do this, how would that make you feel, or how does that make you feel? I'm I see all the women that I mean that are either platonic friends or that I'm on dates with, every woman that I encounter is a resource for me to interact with women. So it's it, you know, it it it she doesn't even have to have kids to to see it as a resource. And any, you know, and I mean, yeah, there's a there's a great expression of how we can see this with other men. Every man, every man is my superior in some way.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:And when I when I approach every man that I see as they are my superior in some way, they are a resource. I can learn from them, I can get from them. It is very hard for that other person to not like me if I treat them like a valuable, precious resource. I just need to find what it is for me to learn and absorb from them. And again, and if I see them that way, they're that that DA doesn't stand a chance to continue to be locked up, you know. It's like it and and if they are okay, let them go, you know. Let them, you know, they're they're not the one for you. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:It's yeah, no, that's you know, the sooner I s sooner I see and hear that, the better, because it's like, yeah, okay. Okay. So we got we we uh we guess I try a little bit, but I it's really, really important. And and and maybe we'll we'll think about how we can we can do that and really talk about the mindset, create the mindset around that, how to do it, et cetera. I think we'll I'll put that on the list. But I got a couple couple things I want to hit before we wrap up and we're we're going a little bit long. You you you you hit on the topic of, you know, they're gonna they're gonna say something, well, he's fun or whatever. So there the conversation post is gonna come up. Do not force that conversation, let them bring it up. Don't be like, hey, you know, in the car ride home, what did you think? Do you like? Like, don't like that oven will tell you when it's ready. Exactly. Exactly. The the the the kids will the the kids will bring it up and just just validate their feelings, right? Like if they don't, if there's something that they don't like, if they if there's something that like, oh hey, it's okay. That's appreciate you sharing that with me. You don't want to be, you don't want to be doing a hard sell, you don't want to be getting defensive, like you want them to have basically what they're doing, uh gentlemen, is they're they are developing their own relationship with that person. So you you need to allow that to evolve and and happen and and you need to to cultivate that if you if you will. And that's gonna take some time, right? So first meeting, they're gonna share. Maybe they don't like it. Maybe there are things that that that bothered the them, you know, and and and that's why you also make sure that it is a slow ramp up. That's what I want to say after you know, after that first. It's not like you go from meeting in the park and then she's spending every week, you know, every waking night there anymore. Like you need to then allow that the opportunity for that relationship to then evolve with them over a slow period of time.
SPEAKER_01:Those children are in that oven, you got to let them warm up with the oven. Yes, absolutely, absolutely. Yeah, and the other part, and I mean that this applies to almost all dating with women. We see a lot of times our mindset is I have to be patient. Okay, that's one way to look at it, but that's also like I have to hold my breath. That is that is not fun to wear you down. The other way, the other, the mindset shift is let the time do the work. Yeah, you pop it in there, let the time do the work. They'll get back to you. You know, you had one interaction with the child, let that sink in, let let that happen, let the time do the work. You know, when you when you put the, you know, it's not the WD 40, but you have a rusty bolt, you spritz that stuff on. You don't try five seconds later to take that thing off. You let it sit, you let it sink in, you let the time and the chemicals do the work.
unknown:Yep.
SPEAKER_01:That's that's exactly and and and that for me, when I look at being patient in any situation romantically, as if I see it as, well, I gotta wait, oh God, like how long do I have to wait? Is my next question. If I look at it as time's doing the work, man, go do something else. You go, you go do some other work while that time does that work. It's like, ah, that that feels balanced, that feels natural, that's that's a whole lot less effort on my end.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, and you're still cultivating your relationship with her, and and and then it's a slow evolving process. I I think if there's a big takeaway from all of what we talk about, all of what we talked about today is it is a slow evolving process. Yeah, take your time, do not like as much as you want to fight, fight that that urge to be a blowtorch, to like pow or plug and play, or what like whatever you're thinking, like pull the reins, talk to your buddy, get get get Dallas involved because like so Dell, we talk about a lot of dating, and we'll get into more relationship. The the the second half, I guess if you will, what Dallas does tremendously well is help you to navigate relationships like what we're talking about here. And and so let's let's let's finish it. There's one more thing that we do need to we do need to talk about, and that's the X factor. The X being the EX factor in in this, because I uh firmly believe there's a right way and a wrong way to to approach this. And the in the right way and the respectful way, no matter no matter what your ex is like, no matter if she has a full-blown personality disorder or issues or whatever, is that you need to you need to give a heads up to them that you're introducing her children to somebody in your life.
SPEAKER_01:You need to give the your ex a heads up. Your ex a heads up. Yeah, you don't want to be happening. You don't want a surprise. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:You don't want this to come back from the kids that they met somebody. Now, when you do this is going to be dependent upon what that relationship is like. You don't, you know, if you've got somebody that's causing problems that you feel is this is going to be an issue, that it might spark things, then that might be a very short window of notice before it happens so that it doesn't become like a big problem or she is alienating the kids or or or or keep like whatever, whatever they they they might be doing. But having that respectful conversation. Now, you might have some legality stuff around this too that you might have written into your uh agreement, which really, yeah, lots of them do, they're basically unenforceable. It's more to keep that respectful tone and and mindset around, hey, there's gonna be romantic relationships, hey, kids might be involved, but let's you know, let's do this in a manner that's that's appropriate.
SPEAKER_01:You know, I I just have to I just have to imagine if if I'm the if I'm the ex, you know, if I'm divorced and my ex-wife is introducing our children, my children, to another man, heck yeah, I want to know about that. Yeah, I mean I I want a heads up on that. I I want the ability. I I I mean, so it it only makes sense if I would want that, it's only considerate to realize, well, she would want that too. She wants to know who her children are being exposed to. That's only fair. And the other thing I would say, along with those notifications, you know, I I see it as a notification message, you know, that we're we're sending them not necessarily a text message, but you're informing them this is happening. Yes. You allow them to speak, but you but at the same time, you need iron curtain boundaries to protect you, the kids, and the other woman coming in, saying, Well, this is happening. I'm not asking for your permission. This is happening, and you know, and that's just I imagine just a major, major part of the development in the, you know, in the the divorce dust, as you call it, getting all that settled down. Part of that is that boundary falling into place.
SPEAKER_00:Exactly, which is another reason why you need to take your time, let the dust settle, be divorced, get through the seasons before you're dating, because those boundaries, some of those boundaries may have need to be established in that time frame with your with your ex because you don't want to have the same relational dynamic. And in to kind of put a bow on this, because you don't want to have the same relational dynamic with your new romantic partner, taking those seasons has hopefully helped you to see what the dynamic was that was unhealthy, that led to your divorce, helped you to establish some of these boundaries, perhaps, that that you didn't have, and then allow you to create those values that we talk about and intentions, and then start dating, and then take the vetting process, and then have all of that in place to have this be a highly successful venture into introducing your kids. So if we're kind of putting a bow on it, Dallas, that like kind of helps to create a timeline for the dads listening to like, why should it take me two or three years before I meet somebody and then introduce kids? That's exactly why, because you just have created a foundation that raises your probability for a successful, awesome relationship that we described earlier with somebody that creates a complimentary, uh, complimentary um parenting style, and you are so attracted to this person, and your your kids love her, and you are just that dynamic man that her kids love you, and the probability of this being successful has just gone through the roof as opposed to what I did, which is like one, two, three, four, until I figured out like I haven't done any of this, and I really need to spend stop. And then I did spend the two or three years figuring my shit out in order for that to happen.
SPEAKER_01:You know, and you're protecting yourself and especially your children from so much stress and chaos and trauma and heartache, attachments that are formed and torn apart. You're protecting everybody from that. So again, you're building, you're not building the quickest little raft you can to get off the island. You are taking your time, felling trees, strong vines, lashing that sucker together so that when you go out on the ocean again, you have a solid vessel that you are sailing under.
unknown:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Let me let me wrap this up with a with a little with a with an equally large bow, but from a whole different angle.
SPEAKER_02:Okay.
SPEAKER_01:Dude, I have learned so much about what you divorced dads go through in this episode. And I just have to say, like I had at the beginning when you laid out sort of the complicated situation, I have nothing but respect, compassion, and and and just respect for for what dads go through to do it well. Yeah. I I I simply I simply don't have to uh navigate all of these other waters. But I can tell you this when when you do navigate the challenges, particularly exercising the discipline to go slow, masculinity is forged in discipline.
SPEAKER_02:Yep.
SPEAKER_01:We do not we do not grow in our masculine energy, fire, heat, sexiness, confidence. The only place that we get it is through discipline. And and and patience, uh taking the time to do it right is one of those disciplines. And I just have to say, as much as I'm glad I don't have a lot of these uh challenges and I don't have to exercise the same level of discipline, there's a part of me that's like, I can't grow into the same size man because heck, I don't have 45 pound plates for me to bench press with. I only got 25, 35 pound plates to bench with. So again, it's just respect, you know, every man is my superior in some way. Respect to the dads out there that are dating.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, and that, and and that that is why you are a catch. One of the many reasons why you are a catch is that that being forged in the fire, getting through that. And then, man, let me tell you, you show up like we're describing here today, that is sexy as hell for a woman, and she's gonna love it. So, you know, take that, take that time and and do it. And and trust me, if you if you make mistakes, you're gonna make mistakes, right? Like I've made most every one of them, but that's why I'm here trying to share all of them with you guys. So maybe like I can keep you from one or two, or or hopefully if you're smarter than me, more than that. But uh, but yeah, this was good. We went really long, but it was really, it's a really important topic. I know that's a lot of stress around it, like I said. And Dallas, thanks for all of your input. And you know, you just you've you've you bring a great perspective to to everything all of the time. We are, let's see, it's this week we're we're doing our dad's dating after divorce QA. So Dallas is graciously giving uh giving some of his time. Check out the events page at thedivorcedadvocate.com and download that to your calendar. And then next month we're gonna be doing a live in-person QA for those of you in the Denver metro area here. Or if hey, you want to come you want to come in and uh spend some time with us and have some fun, you're you're welcome to do that too. But we're that's gonna be on the calendar here too soon. So check that out at thedivorcedadvocate.com on the on the events page.
SPEAKER_01:And if you haven't liked and subscribed to the podcast yet, please like and subscribe now. Share it with your friends so that this message can get out there for everybody. Thank you, Jude. Looking forward to talking to you next week. Thanks, Dallas.
Podcasts we love
Check out these other fine podcasts recommended by us, not an algorithm.
